10 ways to avoid the Royal wedding


The Royal wedding is fast approaching, and Mayfair is going mad.

When Prince William and Kate Middleton announced their engagement on November 16 the entire country and much of the world were hurtled into the throes of near-saturation coverage. The media were in royal-watcher heaven during that first week, with some of Britain's tabloids dedicating 5-6 pages to the news every day.

Skip forward a few months and this has been supplemented with special edition glossy magazines, a comic strip love story and a Kate-inspired Mr Men book.

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We now know Kate Middleton so intimately it wouldn't be assuming of us to claim we are all engaged to her too.

But while there's no doubt the impending nuptials have generated excitement from many quarters, there is also a strong sense that a lot of people are underwhelmed by all the fuss.
But where there's a Will there's a way out, and here we give you 10 ways to successfully evade Royal wedding fever in the build-up to and on the big day.

1. Go abroad
This is the most obvious solution. Just don’t go to Britain, actually try steer clear of any country part of the commonwealth.

To play it really safe try Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan or Turkmenistan. Other possible destinations include Argentina, The Philippines, China, Fiji, Madagascar and the Tibetan plateau.

2. Stage a self-inflicted siege
This one can be performed from within the country. Quit your job, lock yourself in your house and turn off the electricity. Spend your days playing pick-up-sticks and listening to the Sex Pistols on a tape recorder. This is the most effective method of wedding avoidance but has potential problems attached to it, such as running out of food.

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3. Be one with nature
If self-imprisonment doesn't cater to your adventurous streak, try an outdoorsy alternative, such as orienteering or rock climbing. Avoid activities situated near rivers as you may encounter a Kate Middleton look-a-like being filmed rowing a Dragon Boat.

Head to your national park, pitch a tent somewhere remote or go bushwalking, embracing your inner adventurer. Preferably go somewhere where cable can’t be accessed or even better, a place with no electricity.

4. Buy alternative Royal wedding souvenirs
If you can't ignore the merchandise, beat it. Clever anti-Royal Wedding souvenirs are on sale, and range from parody-inscribed plates to mugs declaring, "I'm not a Royal Wedding mug". And if you have "throne up" recently, you can also purchase Royal Wedding sick bags (but they're cheaper in bulk, so spew big).

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5. Loiter
Drive up and down your street very slowly, thus preventing any chance of a Royal Wedding street party materialising. This type of protest is highly effective if two or more cars drive abreast at the same speed. Though take note, this is illegal. Shift work may be needed depending on how many days before the wedding you begin.

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6. Propose
What better way of escaping another's engagement than by getting engaged yourself? Pop the question to your girlfriend, boyfriend or next door neighbour – it doesn't really matter who – and watch as the ensuing wedding planning hysteria unfolds. So much will be the impact on your sanity that you will temporarily lose the sensory abilities required to take in your immediate surroundings. Some call this self-obsessed, but it works.

7. Watch cement set
This is best if you are building a house or need a new garden path. Fill the designated area with cement. Sit down and watch the cement. Remain stationary for the entirety of 29 April, and when 30 April rolls around you will have a newly cemented area and have missed the wedding.

Alternatively, begin this task a few days early and kill two birds with one stone by digging a hole in your backyard and pouring cement into the shape of a bunker. Time it so it has set just in time for you to crawl inside on the morning of 29 April.

8. Act out the life of King Charles I
King Charles I never let a silly royal occasion get in the way of what he wanted.

Before we go any further with this, you can leave the execution bit alone. It's not worth sacrificing a teddy bear for. Instead, get in touch with your inner performer and pretend you are a tyrannical monarch, demanding large sums of money from your friends before canonising yourself as a saint. A completely pointless exercise built upon the proven theory of distraction.

9. Do a movie marathon the day of the wedding
Brush the BBC coverage of the real Royal Wedding and have a DVD marathon of your favourite show or head to the movies, grab some pop corn and watch the latest Hollywood flicks (back to back).

10. Shift your news eye
Switch off to Royal wedding hype – and to silly stories like this one – and concentrate on more important issues. There are plenty of people in the world who are just as, if not more unique and special, than Wills and Kate. Think Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan.

What do you plan to do on the Royal Wedding day?

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