'I have dark days': Anthony Bourdain's tragic admission

Rebekah Scanlan
Senior Lifestyle & Entertainment Producer

Anthony Bourdain made a tragic admission just months before he died by suicide, saying he “knew what it’s like to hate myself”.

The celebrity chef and father-of-one, who hosted food travel show No Reservations, was found dead on Friday, at the age of 61.

In an interview with AOL’s Build Series which filmed just seven months ago, he talked about the “mistakes” he has made throughout his career and his “dark days”.

Anthony Boudain opened up about his past struggles, discussing he knew what it was like to ‘hate himself’. Source: AOL’s Build Series

Whilst discussing his “fortunate” position, he opened up about the emotional reason why he will only work on projects he believes in.

“I don’t want to wake up tomorrow feeling bad about what I did today,” he said.

The culinary icon was found dead yesterday in his hotel room in France, aged 61. Source: Getty

“Having had those mornings, for much of my adult life, but I’ve been careful about not finding myself in a position where, you know, I have to do something I feel bad about or that I compromise in such ways I feel bad.”

The culinary icon — who was known for not taking any crap — went on to explain that his hard exterior wasn’t a “principal” but a way of coping with that sinking feeling of regret and disappointment.

“It’s not principal so much or integrity, but it’s a quality of life issue. I’d like to feel good tomorrow,” he went on.

“I don’t want to hate myself, I know what that’s like.

Later in the interview, Anthony added, “I have happy days and then dark days, you know, I think my work expresses that.”

He had been open about his battle with drug addiction in the past. Source: Getty

While circumstances around his passing are unclear, the chef turned TV host has battled with drugs and addiction in the past and had been open about his struggle to get clean nearly three decades ago to Biography.com in 2016.

“All I can tell you is this: I got off of heroin in the 1980s. Friends of mine from the ’70s and ’80s, they just got off five, six, maybe 10 years ago. And we’re the lucky ones. We made it out alive,” he told the publication. There are a lot of guys that didn’t get that far. But you know, I also don’t have that many regrets either.”

He also admitted to the fact he doesn’t see the need to hang onto life.

His death comes just days after the loss of fashion designer Kate Spade. Source: Getty

“Look, man, the only thing that matters is life or death. That’s the edge. Embarrassment, shame, humiliation, I can live with those. I’m used to it. Why hang onto it, though?”

His death comes three days after American designer Kate Spade, who built a fashion empire on her signature handbags, was found dead in her New York apartment of suicide on Tuesday.

If you are concerned about the mental health of yourself or a loved one, seek support and information by calling Lifeline on 13 11 14, Mensline on 1300 789 978, or Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800


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