A love triangle detonates on Bachelor In Paradise

Deirdre Fidge

Wow, is it only day two? It feels like we’ve all been on this island for several years and I can’t tell if that's good or bad.

Flo and Jake head out, trekking through a jungle towards a private picnic with a waterfall backdrop. Um, big deal, who hasn’t been on one of those dates? Bachie in Paro is almost definitely sponsored by insect repellent because it’s extremely distracting watching these two canoodle, knowing they are surely perched alongside hundreds of floating mosquito egg sacs.

The first of many intruders flown in to stir the pot. Ha ha, just kidding, this is very obviously some sort of lizard.

Anyway, the date goes well – they eat the hopefully non-insect-ridden food, float around amongst the hopefully non-hungry leeches and smooch in the hopefully non-yeast-infection-prone waters. Delightful.

Some health experts warn that peeing in a lake can lead to urinary tract infections. Be warned. Source: Ten

WOOP WOOP WOOP it’s the new contestant alarm: say hello to Sam, fresh from mansplaining music to professional singer Sophie Monk. None of the gals are interested but somehow he hits it off with Keira and they form a Children of the Corn-esque alliance.

Sam won’t shy from shedding tears on TV – he’ll use it in his showreel for when he inevitably auditions for Home & Away. Source: Ten
No, Keira! Don’t laugh at his jokes! It only makes him think they’re funny! Source: Ten

Flo and Jake return hand in hand, causing Davey to convincingly splutter, “I don’t give a f***”.

But Flo’s stressing about her rose decision. Should she give it to Davey who she was initially keen on, but who blew it by choosing Leah for a date and also by just flirting with anything with a pulse? Or Jake, who she has a history IRL with and by the sounds of it didn’t treat her that nicely? Talk about a rock and a hard place!

Poor Flo, choosing between two dodgy blokes: an experience most late-20s women know all too well. Source: Ten

WOOP WOOP WOOP it’s that dang alarm again! Another lady joins Paradise: it’s Laurina from Blake’s season, outlining the approximately 153 qualities she’s seeking in a partner.

We see her sitting at home reciting “I am love. I am light. I am laughter” in what we assume is a deeply ironic performance piece? Affirmations give me hives but more power to her, I guess.

TFW you are love and light and laughter. Source: Ten

The walking motivational coffee cup strides in and the blokes swarm around her. Blake makes the first move and Laurina #LiveLaughLoves it, giving him her date card. But their date involves… what?

A beautiful sight sure to entice the loins of any romance lover! Source: Ten

It’s a goddam mystical mud date. DO THE PRODUCERS NOT REMEMBER HOW MUCH EVERYONE LAUGHED AT RICHIE AND ALEX’S CHOCOLATE BATH?!

Laurina’s a fan because of the spiritual minerals in the mud or whatever, and Blake could not be more overjoyed about having the opportunity to slop it on her bosom.

Love is banned. Love is cancelled. Everyone go home. Source: Ten

Meanwhile, Brett “I won’t answer your questions about my relationship status but I will continue to wear this enormous hat” Moore is causing rifts between the women.

Tara feels torn between her friendship with him and the knowledge that he has (or doesn’t have?) a girlfriend, and the other gals aren’t into having him stick around.

We are forced to watch her cry a lot and it’s not okay because Tara is sweet and pure and most be protected at all costs.

Tara does, however, expertly role model how to subtly have a big sob in public, a life hack we all need. Source: Ten

The fourth wall is shattered when a cargo-pantsed producer pushes and prods Brett to confirm whether the woman in question is really his girlfriend.

Despite the fact that we already know her name is Steph and he's been dating her for an entire year, Brett says no and rants about things not being ‘Facebook official’.

At this point, presumably, every bisexual female viewer quietly switches their Tinder settings to ‘women only’.

He doesn’t deserve your friendship Tara, you precious angel. Source: Ten

Osher pops out of a hedge to announce the first Cocktail Party and first Rose Ceremony. Isn’t the entire paradise one big cocktail party? I guess this means everyone has to put on underpants and comb their hair (except for Sam).

Something about nine sweaty blokes in their 30s standing shoulder to shoulder having no power brings me a lot of joy. There’s an affirmation for you. Source: Ten

Feeling the heat are Brett, Jake and Davey – many of the others have already paired up: Luke and Lisa, Eden and Nina, Leah and Mack. Tara chooses dates over mates and doesn’t give Brett a rose.

The four horsemen of the apocalypse. Source: Ten

Flo is the last to choose and it’s Jake who gets lucky.

Bye bye, boys – Brett goes home to his non-girlfriend and Davey goes home to his parents. As Flo said earlier today: “It’s been a crazy two days.”

Mate... that’s an understatement.

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