A double-walk off and another love declaration? What a doozy!
Let’s recap: heaps of our contestants are coupled up, with Jarrod and Keira in their own little blonde and easily-sunburnt world.
J-dog refers to them as the ‘mum and dad’ of paradise which I guess is accurate if you had a deeply emotional father and mum who wore fishnets and always had a cocktail in her hand
The others are chattering about the last rose ceremony, especially Leah who never seems to stop chattering. She was given a Pity Rose from American Jarod which, while not ideal, is certainly better than a Hate Rose or Urinary Tract Infection Rose.
DING DONG DIME, IT’S DATE CARD TIME! Canadian Thomas has his choice of ladies but given last time they all responded with ‘lol nah’, he’s naturally hesitant and sidles up to newbie Rachael.
Rachael accepts, pleasing a now fist-pumping Thomas and upsetting American Jarod who obviously hoped he and Rach were a sure thing.
Rachael and Thomas go on a Love Golf date that is literally one hole of normal golf but with the words ‘love’ strewn on the grass by some work experience kid.
They finish the date with sparkling wine and finger sandwiches, proving my theory that the budget for dates has decreased dramatically since Day 1 in Paradise.
They chat about why they’re on paradise (a common question that, surprisingly, nobody has answered with “to eventually host a home renovation show on Foxtel and design my own range of edible soaps”). Like everyone else, they want love, blah blah, a kiss happens. Sorry American Jarod, you lose :(
Meanwhile, Eden and Elora have been spending time together, resulting in a classic miscommunication comedy of errors: Eden is a keen bean for some smooching, but Elora says he’s “like a really chill girlfriend”.
After that Eden is smitten, Elora pulls him aside to have The Talk to clear things up. He responds in a really respectful chill way; by saying “I am a man who makes decisions!!!” and storming off, like the big manly man he is.
WOOP WOOP ah yes, the newbie alarm, right on time. But this time it’s not a newbie… it’s the return of Flo! And Jake is absolutely crapping his dacks.
Flo shows everyone how over Jake she is by constantly talking about him and the fact that she wants to cause him grievous bodily harm.
Later on, Tara and Sam have a dancing date. These two are goofy and in love and it’s actually quite adorable and only a little weird to think about the cameramen chasing them around to film their smooching.
After an awkward afternoon Jake decides to chat with Flo to clear the air. “Drama! Drama! Drama!” we all shriek collectively.
Anyway, Flo kinda rightfully tells Jake he previously acted like a bit of a banana and it hurt her, and he kinda rightfully apologies and says it was a hard decision for him.
Osher springs out of some foliage to announce that there will NOT BE ANY MORE NEW ARRIVALS.
Leah decides to finally leave and nobody really cares.
Let’s hope Osher wasn’t lying about the contestants being capped, because if a hot new bachelor drops by next ep, that just feels like increased public humiliation.