Bachelor Nick cancels rose ceremony after Tenille's shock ultimatum

By Deirdre Fidge

 Well paint my shed and call me Barbara – what a night (sorry, every time I try to come up with Honey Badger-esque catch phrases I end up sounding like a deeply unhinged cartoon character from the 80s. It won’t happen again).

 Following last night’s incredibly weird ASIO interrogation, the gals are probably feeling unsettled. What can we do to make them feel at ease?

Chuck ‘em in a tiny car at high speed, of course! Photo: Channel Ten
The unique stance of a Bachelor enjoying some primo product placement. Photo: Channel Ten

Osher continues his streak of forcing contestants to engage in the weirdest activities ever, just so the viewing public can lean back in our couch of crumbs and laugh maniacally. This is fine. Today is a race track challenge – BLINDFOLDED. Just safe wholesome fun!

You can actually hear Channel Ten’s insurance premiums spiking dramatically. Photo: Channel Ten
Nothing like the fear of death to make you feel more alive! Photo: Channel Ten

 I once read that intense fear can make people feel aroused, so maybe that was the goal of this challenge? Who’s to say. Anyway, Nick barks instructions at blindfolded women who attempt to drive around cones, which is a sentence I never thought I’d have to explain and hopefully I never have to ever again.

Dasha gets to add ‘bunny hopping’ to her list of Australian vernacular. Photo: Channel Ten

 Everyone gets a right proper chuckle from Dasha’s struggling with the ol’ gear stick, but you know what? Learning a new skill is tough and we all make mistakes. My driving instructor was a legend of a fellow who happened to have one leg. One day I asked him “do you teach manual as well?” and he stared at me for what felt like an eternity before saying deadpan: “I have one leg.”

 Anyway, enough about my social ineptitude. Osher has decided to force the women to reverse their tiny cars at high speed – as fast as they can, in fact. My favourite part of this was that nobody wore a helmet.

Why did they censor Brittany saying ‘fish fingers’? Photo: Channel Ten

Obviously, it’s hard for Nick to choose a winner of this traumatic day out. But he goes with Sophie and they have an awkward beer in what looks like the back of a Kmart Tyre & Auto service.

Engine coolant cocktail, anyone? Photo: Channel Ten
“Maybe it’s the near-death experience talking but I’m feeling a bit spicy under my bonnet, if you catch my drift.” Photo: Channel Ten

They tick off every Bachelor Bingo Card of “feelings/connection/experience/journey” etc and he gives her a rose. I tuned out and ate some tuna and rice cakes. (I rate it 5/10, wished I had Savoys.)

Meanwhile, back at the mansion it’s daylight because normal timelines don’t exist in the Bachie Universe.

DING DONG, DATE CARD TIME! Photo: Channel Ten

Jamie-Lee is the lucky lass, much to Cass’s continual disappointment.

“Ha ha have a nice time as you can see by my face I am very happy for you ha ha.” Photo: Channel Ten

The best part of this show is that despite the cameras, it’s really quite a relatable depiction of dating. The activities they choose are typical things any young adult might engage in during the meeting of a potential spouse.

Wait – what the frick is this?! I take that back. Photo: Channel Ten

We’ve all encountered that one weird guy who’s really into swords, right? Maybe Nick’s one of those guys. Reeeeeally affects that initial attraction, doesn’t it.

There’s something about white guys that are really into anime and swords that make me want to hide inside a hollowed out loaf of bread and live there. Photo: Channel Ten

As it turns out, Jamie-Lee’s not a huge fan of this date activity.

“Other girls get yachts and champagne… I get the weird sword guy.” Photo: Channel Ten

Luckily for her, the date also involves some sake and a chat. But unluckily for her, the chat ends up being very uncomfortable and stilted.

“Soooooo… you like stuff?” Photo: Channel Ten
“Um…” Is the moonboot cutting off circulation to her vocal chords? Call a medic. Photo: Channel Ten

In true Bachie form, viewers rejoice at the awkwardness of how the date with these two doesn’t flow. We get to hoot and holler from our beanbags covered in mystery stains while checking our phones for notifications that aren’t there. Everyone wins!

Daydreaming about swords, probably. At least there’s chippies to snack on. Photo: Channel Ten

Jamie-Lee returns from the date sans rose (!) and the girls do a really unconvincing job of pretending they aren’t bloody stoked about it.

“Nice empty hands ya got there, champ!” Photo: Channel Ten
Naw. Let Dasha and that weird disembodied hand comfort you. Photo: Channel Ten

During the cocktail party, Tenille is concerned she’s going to get booted (not moon-booted, that’s reserved strictly for Jamie-Lee). She just needs some good old-fashioned reassurance.

“Tenille, that highly intimidating interrogation expert said you keep people at arm’s length during our televised chat. What’s up with that?” Photo: Channel Ten

Shockingly, she isn’t fully certain if this person she’s just met and is also dating multiple women is right for her, and she might not be ready to let down her guard in front of thousands of viewers like us, screaming from our aforementioned crumb-covered beanbags.

“It’s not you, it’s me. Actually no, it’s this insanely stupid fake reality.” Photo: Channel Ten

She chooses to leave with dignity in tact, so we don’t get a rose ceremony this evening. Instead, we get a very dramatic montage of the girls’ upset reactions.

NOOOOOOO Photo: Channel Ten
Well… maybe they weren’t all distraught. Photo: Channel Ten

Until next time, fellow garbage-dwellers.

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