This couple's 1,800-word ad for an assistant is ridiculous

Sarah Carty

Job adverts these days can be pretty demanding but this couple’s extreme assistant post has blown them all out of the water.

The couple from San Francisco, who are both in their 40’s and work in the biotech industry, posted a 1,800-word essay to Craigslist looking for someone to sort out their lives.

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The job, which will pay between $15 - $35 an-hour depending on experience, gives a long list of requirements, including 60-words-per-minute touch typing, the ability to protect their dog from other attacks and willingness to clean up dog vomit.

A couple posted this 1,800-word essay to Craigslist looking for an assistant. Photo: Craigslist

“Work is crazier than ever which means that we don't have time to maintain our personal lives,” the post reads.

“We've finally accepted that we need a full-time (or part-time) personal assistant.”

The couple claim they live on “unhealthy” food, their dishes are always stacked up and their dog “doesn’t have someone to play with”.

It goes on, with the couple claiming their plants are dying, they never have time to organise fun holidays, bills don’t get paid, dry cleaning never gets done and nail polish gets chipped.

Source: Giphy

“Picture frames hang on the wall with no photos inside, the closet is in need of reorganisation, appointments aren't scheduled, information isn't updated,” the post reads.

“Investment opportunities go un-researched, and that crucial "date night" consists of collapsing onto the sofa and watching a movie because we're so exhausted from the work week.”

They go on to list the type of person they’re looking for, which is summarized in a 550-word paragraph.

Among the list of requirements is that the person be level-headed and not dramatic or “sloth-like”.

The person should also “rarely get overwhelmed” by their emotions and not have “regular melt-downs”.

Source: Giphy

“You always know where your keys are or where your wallet is because you make it a point to place them in the same place. You have a great memory and rarely have to say "Oh, I forgot”,” the post reads.

The couple doesn’t stop there, claiming the person should “smile or/and laugh” when they tell jokes and “take pride in how they look”.

The job is advertised as a 40-hour work week, but the person is required to be on call 24/7 for emergencies or important matters.

As if that wasn’t enough, the couple then wrote a detailed list of points the person most definitely have, which include:

Touch typing 60+ WPM
Prior experience as dog owner
Able to swim well in the ocean
Able to protect a dog from being attacked by another dog
Willing and happy to clean up occasional dog vomit and/or diarrhea

Source: Giphy

And for a bonus point, the candidate should be:
Practiced in self-defense or fighting styles (you can protect someone who is in danger)
Former or current aquarium owner (know how to set up a tank and create an ecosystem)
You know how to ski and can watch the dog when we're on the slopes
You can make one-of-a-kind wood furniture pieces
You're able to help push my father in a wheelchair when he visits (stroke).

Now don’t all rush at once.

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