Yahoo Lifestyle Dating Rut? 4 Ways To Get Out.
Have you ever gone on a date and felt a strange sense of déjà vu? Perhaps you looked at the person sitting across the table and thought, "Wow -- all of this feels familiar." Beware, readers: You may have fallen into a dating rut. This occurs when you continually -- and seemingly accidentally -- date the same type of person over and over again.
A dating rut is dangerous, because if you're consistently dating the same type of individual, you risk ending up with the same outcome as in previous relationships: a painful breakup or a dead-end road.
How can you prevent yourself from falling into this common dating trap? Here are four tips to get you started on a path to healthier and happier relationships.
LOOK INWARD. You may think it isn't your fault that you keep dating the same type. In fact, you may even be convinced these people are seeking you out, instead of vice-versa. But the fact is, in order to break out of the cycle, you have to accept responsibility for your choices. You may not consciously be seeking out a "bad boy" or a controlling woman, but studies show that many people have what is referred to as a "love map." A love map is formed before we even reach adulthood, perhaps from watching the model of our parents' relationship, or from early childhood crushes and societal structures. This love map conditions us to find certain qualities attractive in our potential mates -- and while some of these qualities might be positive (such as someone who finds compassion attractive) -- others might be very detrimental (such as someone who's drawn to people with volatile tempers). You need to look inward and ask yourself why you're choosing to invite certain people into your life. If you're following a blueprint of a negative relationship (which you may have received from watching domestic abuse in your home as a child), you might need to seek a counselor to help you work through these feelings.
CHANGE YOUR SCENERY. How many times have you heard a woman complain that "all the good men are already taken," or a man complain that he "can't meet a good woman"? How many times have you said these things yourself? Well, ask yourself this: What have you done differently in your life to meet new kinds of people? If you're continually dating jerks, it might be because you're only meeting people out at the clubs or bars. You need to change your scenery if you want to meet a different type of person. The old stories about meeting Mr. or Mrs. Right at church or the grocery store might not work for everyone, but they make good sense. You have to pursue people outside the nightlife scene if you want to meet someone with your interests and values. This isn't to say no one ever meets their future spouse in a bar, but if it hasn't been working for the last few years, you need to re-evaluate spending your energy in that situation. Join a social club where you can meet people with shared interests, and make yourself try new things. People often stay in a rut because it's comfortable and non-threatening. But love isn't going to come looking for you ... you have to seek it out.
LOSE THE "REQUIREMENTS." Do you have a strict rule that you'll only date blondes, or only marry someone with your educational background? While shared interests often lead to a strong relationship, your list of requirements can become a hindrance. Some of you might be thinking -- "But I don't have a list or requirements!" Well maybe not consciously, but you may have a subconscious checklist in your brain that you don't even realize you're ticking away on. It might be helpful to ask your friends if they see a common thread among the people you date. Once you learn what that is, it's helpful to ask yourself: Why is it so important that I date someone with a high-paying job? And am I really willing to miss out on the potential love of my life just because they're a few pounds heavier than people I'm accustomed to dating? Some requirements (such as common religions or morals) are necessary for a happy marriage, but most are easily sacrificed if you're willing to leave your comfort zone.
GET THE WORD OUT. If you're single and looking for love, spread the word! Tell your friends and family members you're on the lookout for a great new guy or girl, and ask if they know anyone you might be interested in. It might seem embarrassing at first, but your friends are the ones who know you best -- so they know the people that will best fit your personality and needs. And when the time comes for your friends to meet a new mate, you can return the favor.
Finally, don't miss out on love because you're comfortable in your rut. Explore new ideas, places, and people, and keep an open mind. Love rarely follows a set plan or schedule, so allow yourself to enjoy the mystery and excitement of the unknown.
Get Dr. Laura Berman's customized advice for you:
Free Assessment
