By Deirdre Fidge
So we all watched the inaugural Love Island Australia premiere last night and were blown away: we were reunited with Sophie Monk (yay!), witnessed budding romance (yay!) and saw slow-motion footage of incredibly zoomed-in buttocks (y-wait, no – don’t cheer for that).
Welcome to the second day on the island of love.
Couples are adjusting to their new lives, arranged-marriage style couplings, and the horrifyingly tacky early 2000s aesthetic of their Spanish villa.
Anyway, enough chit-chat: DING DONG, HERE COMES A NEW ARRIVAL!
Honestly, it’s doubtful anyone would notice if they added new women in or replaced everyone entirely because they all look identical.
We can only assume there is a Russian Doll-esque factory where sculpted, bronzed youths pop out of each other, flying along a conveyor belt towards whichever reality show is accepting new participants. Zoom!
Kim successfully turns everyone’s heads to the point of overcooked noodles, causing jealousy.
Justin and Kim get to know each other by asking questions like favourite colour or “apples or oranges?”
The faceless Irish voiceover man attempts to mock them but honestly these questions are important because who wants to date someone who won’t appreciate your apple pie?
Everyone then goes to bed in their incredibly weird jumbo shared bedroom that is perfectly fine and not at all a horrifying public nightmare.
So which man will Kim choose? A long night of lying alone in a bed next to people loudly smooching would have sent most of us bonkers but for some reason she’s still here.
Cassidy is feeling insecure after having some nighttime smoochies, but Grant reassures here everything is A-OK.
He says “I hope this hasn’t put a damper on everything” provides a nice mental image of a large loaf of bread floating on two spray-tanned millennials.
Aaaaand it’s lucky Josh who first gets to head off on a picnic with Kim, where they enjoy insect-filled wine and awkward conversations.
She reveals she has a “two year old son”, with Josh clearly being momentarily stunned because his response is “boy or girl?”
Her date with Charlie involves almost identically awkward conversations, and was confusing to follow because all the men on this show also look the same.
Meanwhile, Grant and Tayla are flirting in the shower, involving some sort of bizarre hyper-masculine feat of power with Grant throwing her over his shoulder (is that how straight people court one another?).
Grant’s lady Cassidy sees this and becomes upset. Sad!
They have a conversation where not much is said at first because nobody here has a great grasp of healthy and direct communication, but then smoochy-smoochy, everything is happy families again.
Wait, is it? Now Grant is openly talking about wanting to hook up with the other women, and confesses this to Tayla: we now have our first Love Island triangle.
But, oh no! Kangatarian Justin overheard their declarations of attraction! He starts crying and all of our hearts break in unison.
“Love is hard,” he weeps, and I have never felt so much empathy for a male model before.
He wipes his eyes and promptly moves on to Kim, who now has a sizable selection of men to choose from. Time for dinner, drinks and decision-making.
For some reason this decision is made after a text message to Kim, in a misguided attempt to look hip and modern by some producer in his 50s who is most likely in charge of those zoomed-in bikini shots.
Anyway, Kim chooses Josh.
Tayla is now officially single and free to pursue other dudes.
So will Grant follow his pants – sorry, heart – with Tayla?
Or will he remain loyal to Cassidy? Will this love triangle end in disaster?
Could any of us have dreamed that one day our lives would dissolve into asking these questions to ourselves? Tune in tomorrow for more.
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