By Deirdre Fidge
Dearest viewers, let us gather around a flaming pit of garbage and have a minute’s silence together, for we are but one day away from the final of Love Island Australia.
We’ve learned so much, grown together, and bettered ourselves. Well, actually none of those things. But we’ve screamed at our televisions and wallowed in our own filth which is… something.
Anyhow, after our second-last night, let’s debrief.
Everyone’s feeling antsy about El Grand Finalo tomorrow, so Grant surprises Tayla by masking her eyes, sprinkling rubbish on the floor and whacking a teabag in hot water.
Meanwhile, Dom and Shelby have a “date” consisting of perching on KMart chairs and eating what appears to be a wildly rationed amount of corn chips. Honestly, it wasn’t even enough for an entree for one person. Very distressing.
Suddenly, Dom leaps up and… hands her a donkey. Why? Why is this happening? Did we all collectively fall down a set of stairs and are experiencing a mass hallucination?
Shelby is bloody stoked and screams “THIS IS HANDS DOWN THE BEST DATE I’VE EVER BEEN ON”. Somewhere, her former boyfriends are cursing themselves for all their previous generosity. All they had to do was literally stand her next to a donkey for a few minutes.
They aren’t the only duo to have an awkward date!
Josh and Amelia are forced to dance in front of a tiny adolescent guitarist, confirming that we do indeed live in a bizarre dystopian alternate reality in which nothing makes sense and donkeys grow on trees.
Somewhere offstage, a cackling crew member makes its way down the list of couples: now Eden and Erin must endure a similarly uncomfortable experience.
They each give a little speech about how much they love the other one, and the cynic in me screams “HOW LONG HAVE YOU ACTUALLY KNOWN EACH OTHER?!” while the lonely sad lady inside me smiled feebly and ate a Pizza Shape.
This means of course that it’s Grant and Tayla’s turn for a cheap and laughable – WAIT A MINUTE IS THAT A GODDAM BOAT?!
Tragically, we can’t watch these fascinating people run around Spain forever – it’s home time for Dom and Shelby. Peace out Shrek and Donkey, it’s been real.
Obviously none of us will get any sleep tonight due to excitement about tomorrow’s big final. Who will go home happy? Will the cash be granted via giant novelty cheque? Which couples will last the distance? And whatever happened to all those stray cats?
It’s safe to assume those answers are, respectively: nobody, hopefully, none and I’ve stolen them all and now have a tiny glimpse of joy in my miserable existence. But there’s only one way to find out. Until tomorrow!
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