Bachelor's shock move leaves three girls in tears

My fellow garbage dwellers, can you believe there are only a handful of ladies left (depending on the size of your hands)?

Nick probably has muscular, mighty hands but even so – must sadly let one hopeful lady slip through his palms each night.

No matter how loudly she wails, or how firmly she grips onto his veiny thumb, he must shake her loose like an unwanted mosquito. Anyway, this is a weird analogy.

So, what did we just watch? Some top-notch drama bananas, that’s what.

The day starts with a good old-fashioned race course.

But the race isn’t just zooming around on the dorkiest scooters ever – it involves being quizzed on facts about Nick.

Questions focus on dating issues like ‘who should pay on the first date?’ and ‘what is the most important quality in a relationship?’

I didn’t really listen but answers were probably ‘Karl Kennedy, the fictional doctor from Neighbours’ and ‘cheese’ respectively.

But just as we’re enjoying a break from close-up shots of uncomfortably small bikinis, suddenly… INJURY STRIKES.

Just kidding!

It was all a very minor slip that was unnecessarily dramatised for entertainment purposes.

Good one, guys!

The blue team wins, but everyone is smiling.

Champagne is poured, hugs are exchanged and I madly start googling ‘two-piece yellow tracksuit’ for my fresh spring aesthetic.

Nick chooses Brooke for some one-on-one time, and they’re forced to have yet another ‘date’ of sitting on a park bench nibbling grapes.

These two clearly have a ~vibe~ going on.

We know this because the generic piano music always comes on when they chat about ~connection~ and being ~genuine~ and all the ~laughter~ they share.

Alrighty, that’s enough piano music and heartfelt smooches for now, time for another silly date experience.

It turns out Emily used to be a ballet dancer, so she and Nick take a class for that reason only and definitely not because it’s a bit of a laugh to see a manly man jaunt about in tights.

Hilariously, they are then forced to perform in front of the Australian Ballet in some sort of bizarre puppeteer situation.

What will those wacky producers think of next?!

But the bench-seat nibble date afterwards consists mainly of uncomfortable silence… and no rose is given. Oh no!

It’s now everyone’s favourite time – over-dressed and drunken conversation time. Oh sorry, I mean – cocktail party.

Tensions are high. For some reason Sophie drags out a whiteboard from the staff room and scribbles some weird illustration of her feelings.

This Mr Squiggle routine seems to do the trick because he gives her a date card… but what’s that sniffling sound? Oh no, it’s Shannon!

With so many ladies feeling insecure, how will the Rose Ceremony eventuate?

Will they all empower each other and realise they don’t need a man’s approval in life, and then embrace sexual fluidity and live in a giant all-women polyamorous commune?

It’s decision time for the Badgie Boy. Will he vote with his head, his heart, or his ballet bulge?

Shannon performs the routine pre-exit speech, and it’s actually quite sweet, especially when she mentions nooks and crannies. Just because that phrase is cute.

But what’s this? Dasha is on the floor, weeping!

As we know by the endless crying, this ridiculous charade is heading towards the business end.

Good luck and godspeed to all future commune residents.

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