Mannequins and goats help Sophie find her 'perfect match'

The talented and hilariously entertaining Jo Thornely is back with her latest recap of The Bachelorette.

Roses are red,

But the roses are dying

There’s dust in my eye,

So shut up, I’m not crying.

We’ve reached that part of the series where Sophie is legally obliged to record voice-overs telling us she’s got a difficult decision to make before hometown visits. We’re there. Well done, everybody.

Well done also in sitting through a thousand borderline ridiculous date concepts – I’m sure there won’t be any more.

Except.

Osher’s here with the ‘Chief Matching Scientist’ from eHarmony, a job title that is one hundred percent not fake. He’s here to put the lads through a series of compatibility tests, a date that is one hundred percent not stupid.

Test 1: Fun Craft With Triangles

Each bloke gets a “blank pie chart” (read: circular picture of a rose) and a “number of coloured wedges each representing a different personality trait” (read: can’t we just do this on an iPad). The lads must make a pie chart representing their spread of personality traits, with the guy whose wedges least reflect Sophie’s being knocked out.

“I don’t want to waste any opportunity to show Sophie who I am” says Jarrod with his usual treble-pitch fervour, getting straight to work.

Because James is mature and organised and quite clearly the best of all humans, he’s knocked out first. “Paula Abdul always said opposites attract and I’ve lived by that” says Sophie, reluctant to play the game by the rules. Mind you, Paul Abdul was saying that about an animated rapping cat, so I dunno, maybe don’t base your fundamental life philosophies on Paula Abdul lyrics.

Test 2: Dress-Ups But Not Creepy, Nope

“Dress these mannequins up as you would like Sophie to appear on your perfect date” says Osher, indicating a clothes rack, a row of unsettling nude mannequins, and the gold medal at the Stupid Date Olympics.

“I usually have no problem around the female body” brags Blake utterly unexpectedly. “My strength is taking clothes off” he says, trying to show his sensitive side.

The outfits the guys choose are fine. They’re fine. Skateboarding with Michael Jackson, riding a motorcycle to your own wedding, on sale at Sportsgirl, hailing a cab in the Arctic Circle fine.

“I’m a hundred percent confident that I’ve nailed this round” boasts Blake, wearing his heart on his sleeve. Apollo loses the round either because his imaginary date plan is the least appealing to Sophie, or because his mannequin looks the least like a dropped suitcase.

Test 3: We’ve Run Out Of Ideas

In a knock-off of 80s dating show Perfect Match, 2017 dating show The Bachelorette gets Sophie to ask the fellas some questions while they hide behind a hedge, because everybody here is an adult and some even went to university maybe.

“I’m really confident in this one, I know what Sophie wants” crows Blake, getting in touch with his feminine side.

The first question is about holidays, and Stu already knows where Sophie goes on holiday.

The second question is about winning the lottery, and Stu mentions a ‘boatload’ of money because Sophie knows he has a boat.

The third questions is…. oh, for crap’s sake.

Stu mentions a monkey because he knows that’s Sophie’s nickname.

Basically, Stu wins because he’s recently gone through Sophie’s Facebook page.

During the resulting one-on-one time, it’s impossible to tell if Stu’s insistence that he and Sophie are compatible and that he doesn’t want to leave without her is charming or an indication that he Googles her daily.

Still, at least Blake is super-bummed that he doesn’t win.

Until he’s SUPER-PUMPED that he finally gets a single date. Stu gives him some tips by demonstrating the best way to go in for the pash.

“It’s crap” says Jarrod in his customary relaxed manner. “Blake’s the one guy that’s sat back and done nothing” adds the guy who has sat forward and done everything and yet has still had only one date.

For the first part of the date, Sophie takes Blake to what appears to be a country post office to feed some goats, because she wants to take him out of his comfort zone. I reckon anywhere without a mirror would put him out of his comfort zone but hey, kids will be kids.

Having put milk into goats, for the second part of the date Sophie and Blake take milk out of goats.

“Ha haaaa! It’s like a massive nipple!” exclaims Blake, holding a massive nipple.

For the third part of the date, the pair make goat’s cheese in a weird puppet-style embrace as Blake has a revelation. He realises that romance is, as he puts it, “emotion-based”, and “that’s what girls want”. It’s like he’s learned about human non-bro feelings from a series of educational flash-cards.

We can see through Blake, though. He calls this a ‘competition’. Like… okay, it IS, but you’re not supposed to SAY it is. Blake talks to us about tactics and strategy and his game plan. Blake talks to Sophie about how cuddly and communicative he is and how he’s a bit turned on by milking a goat. In a nutshell, he is the worst at pretending to be human in the entire world.

“I always try to make whoever I’m with feel like they’re the only one” he tells Sophie, reading directly from the Big Boy’s Book Of Things To Say To Girls You’re Cheating On.
The problem is, it seems to work.

Actually no, that’s not the problem. The worst thing that can ever happen on a date is the problem. The our-record-company-is-promoting-us-so-here’s-an-awkard-gig-for-just-two-people thing.

Back at the Bromansion, after seeing how many times he can use the word ‘Sophie’ and telling Blake he’s a dud, Jarrod sees how Sophie might look if he kept her in his basement.

But there’s no time to waste - the boys head to the Rosatorium where Osher, dressed in a galvanised blueberry suit, introduces Sophie, who looks gorgeous.

Slowly but surely she slings roses at the hometown champions until only the greatest bloke and the second greatest bloke remain.

The violins reach fever pitch, the screen goes all blurry because shut up I’m not crying you are, and Sophie Monk makes un unbelievable error.

Goodbye, wonderful essence of perfection James. You lit a fire in all of our hearts, because you were demonstrably the only one with the skill to do so. We’re free to be together now, in the flatpack wardrobe of our hearts.

Dumb stupid show.

• Carnage on The Bachelorette as Sophie breaks Rosatorium rules

• Sabotage, shenanigans and Stu's kiss fail

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