Yummy Mummies recap Ep 3 : As bumps grow bigger so do the demands

Welcome, friends, to the third episode of the thrilling, culturally revolutionary, and edge-of-your-seat viewing that is Yummy Mummies. If you’re only just joining us, here’s what you need to know before we kick start this recap.

Our three best pals from Melbourne — Lorinska, Jane, and Rachel — recently visited Adelaide in order to attend the completely over-the-top baby shower of their new Instagram pal Maria, a meek and down to earth gal who yearns for the simple life.

Just kidding! Maria is capitalism personified, and can’t get enough of gaudy baubles and designer living!

RELATED: Watch Yummy Mummies online now

The only good thing about her obsession with buying only high end designer labels for her unborn daughter Valentina is the fact that her Facebook friends can rest easy knowing they’ll never be hassled to vote for Maria’s daughter when the Bonds Baby Search rolls around next year and everyone else’s newsfeeds are dominated by an endless sea of cherubic faces accompanied by parental pleas to vote!

Maria’s mother Margherita continues to be A Bit Of A Unit, as they say in the industry, and hijacked her daughter’s baby shower to inflict a lip synced choreographed dance routine on the attendees. Good times!

Mother-to-be Lorinska continues to have some pre-baby jitters over the idea of breastfeeding as she has a fear of it due to a childhood incident with a dairy cow (!!)

Meanwhile, Maria and her mum Margherita have issues with breastfeeding in general, because they are basically weirdos who live in an isolated Versace-decorated cave far, far away from the real world!

Maria and her partner Carlos are heading to the Gold Coast for a babymoon and plan on staying at the Palazzo Versace, because GLAMOUR, SHINY GOLD, RICH etc.

I think that’s all you need to know. Oh, and for fun we’re going to do a ‘Versace’ shout out count, really looking forward to seeing how many times Maria’s love of the brand is shoved down our throats. Place your bets! Ten times? Twenty times? A THOUSAND TIMES? All are reasonable guesses!

Onwards we go! Let’s start with Maria and Carlos who are travelling to their babymoon destination.

Adelaide’s most successful part time barber has picked the perfect pre-birth vacation for his partner, a visit to a Versace-themed hotel that is no longer actually owned by the brand as it was sold to a Chinese consortium in 2012, but oh well, there’s still lots of gold to look at.

They head upstairs to the Imperial Suite (because you know anything less than the best would be a crime in Maria’s eyes, well played Carlos) and they open the door to their own little slice of Versace paradise.

Wow, that is certainly some garish interior designing right there, huh! Maria is naturally thrilled by her holiday surrounds.

She wanders around the room pointing out individual furnishing highlights (Cushions! Bed heads!) to Carlos before sighing dreamily to him, “God, I want it! I need all of this, I need EVERYTHINK.” I guess when you’re rich, it’s super easy to confuse ‘want’ and ‘need’.

Anyway, Maria declares she’s in heaven, and I suppose in a money hungry kinda way, it is nice that she has found the perfect partner who knows exactly what she wants (sorry, “needs”) and is happy to give it to her. There really is somebody for everybody huh?

Meanwhile over in Melbourne, Jane has taken Lorinska shopping for baby gear as it’s becoming rapidly clear that Lorinska’s prepping for motherhood so far has basically consisted of trying to settle on an appropriately expensive push present, bless her. First up Jane shows Lorinska something called a Nuna Leaf (RRP $350) which is an infant lounger that apparently imitates the movement in the womb to soothe the baby. Lorinska is baffled.

Lorinska fakes it til she makes it, insisting that she’ll get one swingy thingy for home, and one for the beach house. Buy two of everything you don’t understand, is my life motto. The ladies then move on to examining breast pumps, laughing hysterically the whole time. To be honest, I kinda pitied the saleswoman who seemed to be dealing with two 11 year old boys trapped in the bodies of pregnant thirty somethings.

Jane is optimistic about the (retail) therapeutic value of today’s outing, announcing confidently,“So I think that this little trip to the baby shop has helped Lorinska with her phobia of breastfeeding.”

We’ll see.

Back at Palazzo Versace, Maria and Carlos are sauntering out to the pool for a pre-baby photoshoot with Uncle Shane, the brother of Margherita. Side note: I love the idea of naming one child something super exotic like Margherita, and then dubbing the other one Shane. It’s either that, or Margherita has jazzed up her birth name a little. Will we ever know? Unlikely!

Maria assures us that her Uncle Shane is an AMAZING photographer, and her story checks out because clearly Shane is so dedicated to his craft he won’t even drive a car without holding a large cumbersome camera in one hand so you KNOW he’s legit!

Uncle Shane makes some small talk by the pool, asking stuff like, “Have you got a name for the baby?” to which Maria replies, “Valentina, Valentina Vannini” and then promptly awwwws her own choice of name supportively, which was kinda weird. She then insists that Valentina would “love it here” and I can only assume that by “here” she means “in the pool” because floating around is pretty much Valentina’s only interest given that she’s yet to be born.

They start the shoot with some clothed photos, and then after a few pics are taken, remove Maria’s dress so she’s left in a bikini and revealing her baby bump as apparently, “This photoshoot is actually all about Valentina” although we all know that this is a blatant lie as everything is actually about Maria, including Valentina.

The good news is the shoot is a success, and Valentina In Utero has been exquisitely captured by Uncle Shane, the Gold Coast’s finest photographer.

We return to Melbourne to discover that Jane actually DOESN’T think the retail therapy was enough to cure Lorinska’s fear of breastfeeding. So cue up the country music because we’re going rural!

(And by rural I mean we’re going to Collingwood Childrens Farm which is 5km from Melbourne CBD, but please, keep the country music playing, I’m already wearing my Rayna Jaymes cosplay.)

Rachel primly insists that Lorinska will have to just get used to the stench of animal urine at the children’s farm as they’ll all be hanging out there a lot once their respective babies are born. Really? I had no idea that visiting Collingwood Children’s Farm was an obligatory part of parenthood. In any case, we hear that Lorinska is scared of cows, which we already knew, and also chickens, which we did NOT know but apparently also stems back to a childhood incident.

Hmm, somebody had better tell Rachel it might be a better idea not to take small children to farms lest they develop lifelong phobias?

Over at the Palazzo Versace, Carlos hands Maria a babymoon gift purchased presumably using money from the tip jar at his part-time barber job — it’s a (surprise) Versace necklace covered with Swarovski crystals!

Maria is so thrilled that she insists to Carlos that she’s going to be wearing this necklace when she gives birth to Valentina, a life changing event which may be closer to happening than Maria thinks.

Meanwhile, over in Collingwood, a dairy cow is in the middle of enjoying some lunch when all of a sudden she gets a frightening chill up her spine, indicating that something wicked this way comes.

Lorinska insists that her hands will not be touching a “cow’s teats… tits… ooh, what do you call them — orgs? Norgs? Utters? Udders.” Phew, that was quite the linguistic journey.

And yet, eventually…

The girls ask Lorinska if she thinks this little farm excursion has helped at all, and she enthusiastically replies, “Yes!”

Seconds later, direct to camera, she confides, “I’m lying, this hasn’t helped at all.”

In the imperial suite of Palazzo Versace on the Gold Coast, Maria emerges from the no doubt tastefully decorated bathroom with an announcement for Carlos — some water has come out, and not from a gold-plated medusa-decorated tap fitting!

MARIA: Water just came out

CARLOS: Your water just broke!

MARIA: I don’t know!

CARLOS: Well, what do we do? Call someone?

MARIA: I don’t know! Should I call my mum?

CARLOS: Call a doctor or something, that’s your water. Your water just broke.

MARIA: *considers* OK, I’m going to call my mum.

Yes, sitting down for a loudspeaker chit chat with Margherita definitely seems like the right thing to do, and should certainly be listed above ‘call a doctor or even seek the advice of any kind of medical professional’.

After finally getting a hold of Margherita and having a chat with both her and some random employee at Margherita’s office, it is established that yes, it is quite likely that Maria’s water has broken, and yes, someone should call a medical professional. Or at least consult someone in the same state?

It’s okay everyone, Carlos knows someone who has a wealth of knowledge about every topic under the sun at her fingertips. That’s right, it’s his good friend Siri!

Siri tells Carlos that Southport Hospital on the Gold Coast is a major teaching and referral hospital, and…

No one cares what you have to say, Siri. We’ll return to this debacle (SERIOUSLY WILL SOMEONE JUST CALL A DOCTOR FFS) shortly.

Jane and Lorinska (was Rachel a bit busy during this episode’s filming, btw?) decide to hang out at Jane’s husband’s beauty spa which operates above his hair salon, and they both enjoy some relaxing massages while chatting about how babies moving around in a third trimester pregnancy look a lot like aliens.

An aside: I have not once been jealous of the lifestyles of these women, but now as I watch this scene, and slowly begin to comprehend that Jane can just toddle upstairs for a relaxing massage whenever she likes at the beauty salon her husband owns, I am finally green with envy. Why can’t I marry someone who owns a luxurious massage and beauty salon?! Life sucks.

Anyway! Lorinska admits she doesn’t like wearing underwear anymore, and Jane finds this alarming because undies would protect the baby from… dust?

Oh, and they have a quick chat about how attending Maria’s baby shower was an odd experience, and Lorinska confesses she’s been plagued by the realisation that they forgot to buy Maria a baby shower present. They both chuckle at the fact Maria has been invited to Lorinska’s baby shower in order to further the plot of this TV show, and agree that it would be pretty funny to kick Maria out should she unleash her diva side on Lorinska’s big day. To be fair, I would probably pay to see a debacle of that size unfold live.

To the Gold Coast!

Continuing to refuse to speak to any medical professionals, Carlos and Maria are now consulting with Maria’s Aunty Val, who joins the chorus of people basically saying, “Yeah Maria, sounds like your water’s probably broken and you should see a medical professional”.

They give a midwife a ring and receive the bad news that if her water has broken, then Maria cannot get on a plane to return to Adelaide to give birth.

Valentina’s gonna be a Gold Coast baby! As far as answering how long until labour starts properly, the midwife has no idea but suggests Maria pops on a maternity pad to assess how much water is coming out and after an hour, they will have a better idea of where things stand. But where would one source maternity pads at Palazzo Versace?

I’m joshin’ with ya. Carlos doesn’t ask Siri for some maternity pads, he asks the front desk.

Beautifully handled, Carlos. Sadly, Palazzo Versace is not armed with maternity pads, which is a real shame because I was kinda looking forward to seeing how ostentatious a pad can possibly be. Coated in real gold! A picture of Medusa smack in the middle, waiting to receive fluids!

Maria cannot BELIEVE that they are paying good money for the imperial suite and there are no goddamn Versace pads! Is she expected to just use some kind of non-designer pad, like a peasant? Appalling.

We switch back to Melbourne where Jane has stolen Lorinska’s idea of a Range Rover for a push present, and visits a dealership with husband Joey and son Jagger. They are on a first name basis with the car saleswoman Grace, and Lorinska explains that this $150,000 is going to be her push present.

Joey buys her the car because he is, in the words of proud new Range Rover owner Jane, “just the most beautiful, beautifulest man with the most beautifulest heart”.

Jane asks if she can specifically have the car in time for Lorinska’s baby shower, which I think has more to do with Maria being there than rubbing Lorinska’s face in the fact that Jane nicked her push present idea.

While Maria gets a massage from Aunty Val on the Gold Coast, Margherita is busy trying to pack as many orange coloured clothes into a suitcase as possible, and chiming in dramatically as daughter Bianca chats with Maria on the phone.

Maria’s main concern while chatting with her sister is that there is a Burberry bag filled with Burberry pyjamas and Burberry baby clothes ready for the trip to hospital in Adelaide, and getting it to the Gold Coast is the most important thing in the world because how gross would it be for your baby to wear non designer clothes? I almost threw up even thinking about it.

The DiGeronimo family swear a solemn oath to take the ring and destroy it in the fires of Mordor, and by that I mean Margherita’s gonna take the next flight to the Gold Coast and she’ll bring that dang Burberry baby bag if she knows what’s good for her.

After presumably sitting on the peasant pad for a while, Maria makes a quick call to the midwife again, who asks how much liquid has come out since they last spoke. To be fair to Maria, given that a pad’s whole entire job is to absorb properly, I feel like it would be difficult to answer that? Nevertheless, Maria tries.

The words, “It’s… moist… enough…” will haunt me forever.

Good old Uncle Shane gives Carlos and Maria a lift to the hospital where the midwife checks them out and diagnoses them with a severe case of BABY. Head down, bum up, and definitely heading downwards.

Next episode… will Valentina finally make her life debut? Is Lorinska’s baby shower going to be the classy affair she hopes it will be? How will Jane’s Range Rover push present go down?

Will we actually see a bit more of Rachel? All this and more will be no doubt answered in a week’s time. See you then, and may god have mercy on all our souls.

PS: I lost count around the time Uncle Shane turned up with a camera in hand to take the photos, but by that point we’d enjoyed 16 Versace mentions, and I suspect it would have hit 30 by the episode’s end if I’d kept track.

Wantmore celebrity, entertainment and lifestyle news? Follow Be on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Instagram