Advertisement

Jo Thornely recaps Episode 2 of The Bachelor 2017

Welcome to Episode 2 of The Bachelor, the episode where we get to see what the girls look like with less make-up but more underwear, and where Jennifer asks herself questions and then answers them.

“Have I actually forgiven her? Gosh no” she says about a vague argument with Liz roughly a year ago. “Am I going to play nice? Yes” she adds. Is she going to do everything she can to be this season’s b***h? Gosh, yes.

But enough of that for now. Osher’s just pulled a single date card from Osher’s Dark Place.

The paper cuts are worth it. Source: Channel 10
The paper cuts are worth it. Source: Channel 10

It’s a date with Elora! You remember Elora – she of the impressive fire-dancing entrance, the human equivalent of a slight burning sensation.

She’s excited, but not so excited that she doesn’t walk the full length of a beach in wedge heels to meet Matty. Matty’s excited too, but not so excited that he doesn’t stop for a contractually obligated stare off towards the horizon.

Everyone cross ‘searching the horizon’ off their bingo cards. Source: Channel 10
Everyone cross ‘searching the horizon’ off their bingo cards. Source: Channel 10

They’re on a boat, they’ve seen some dolphins, and they’ve had their vitamin C, so it’s only a matter of time before their kit comes off and there’s whacky maritime shenanigans.

Everyone cross ‘pert man nipples’ off their bingo cards.  Source: Channel 10
Everyone cross ‘pert man nipples’ off their bingo cards. Source: Channel 10

Matty swears he can hear the dolphins squeaking at each other underwater, but considering Elora’s outstanding general rig and tiny bikini, I’m pretty sure the noise is just coming from Little Matty Downstairs straining against his board shorts.

Best we cool off by popping back to the Womansion to see if Jen’s still asking and answering her own questions.

“Do I think they’re going to make out? Hundred percent. Do I think that she’s coming back with a rose? Hundred percent. Do I think she’ll be here long term? God, I hope not”.

Jen should have just stuck with “Do I think they’re going to sit on a couch?” and answered herself with “Dude, yes”, because this is The Bachelor, where there’s more casual furniture than body hair.

To be fair, Jen gets the rose part right, but despite Elora spending a full hour looking at Matty like this…

Can you feel the burning sensation, Matty? Source: Channel 10
Can you feel the burning sensation, Matty? Source: Channel 10

…she only gets a kiss on the cheek sort of near the mouth but not enough to count.

That doesn’t stop new evil besties Leah, Jen and Sian from mocking Elora to her face when she arrives back at the Womansion. Imagine coming home from your dream date and facing this Great Wall Of ‘Gina:

Like a tub of Neopolitan not-nice-cream. Source: Channel 10
Like a tub of Neopolitan not-nice-cream. Source: Channel 10

Look, all I’m saying is:

Hocus, pocus, trying to pull focus. Source: Disney
Hocus, pocus, trying to pull focus. Source: Disney

Still, there’s no time for those *itches, we’ve got a Woman’s Day photo shoot we’re pretending is a group date to get to.

It’s an 80s-themed shoot, so there’s cute supportive girls dressed for an eighties prom while Leah says mean things about them:

This is known as 'The Seduction Worm'. Source: Channel 10
This is known as 'The Seduction Worm'. Source: Channel 10

There’s cute supportive girls dressed as cheerleaders while Leah says mean things about them:

If you forget what to do, just read your boobs. Source: Channel 10
If you forget what to do, just read your boobs. Source: Channel 10

And then there’s a poolside shoot, where Florence is dressed in a smoking hot red bikini and Jen is in the background, dressed as a lifeguard.

Is she happy with her costume?

Less than two percent. Source: Channel 10
Less than two percent. Source: Channel 10

Florence snorts “she looks like a Jewish banana!” through laughter which in a Dutch accent is obviously the greatest thing known. Undeterred, Jen rips off her skivvies, gets her bum-cheeks out, dives into the pool, and clings to Matty’s chest like eczema.

It's rash behaviour. Source: Channel 10
It's rash behaviour. Source: Channel 10

The only thing that could possibly beat this is if someone who’s been saying mean things about people and thinks she looks amazing in pleather (primarily because she looks amazing in pleather) gets a bit of comeuppance. BUT WHO?

It’s Leah Newton-John’s turn for a solo photo-shoot with Matty on a Harley, and the seething jealousy of the other girls is like a drug to her. She inches her face closer and closer to Matty’s until he can smell that lozenge she always looks like she’s sucking on, and then BAM! She goes the pash.

And BAM! He pulls away. “Brutal”, says Florence. “You’d be DEVOOOO” says unofficial series commentator Tara. “I think it’d be a little bit inappropriate” says Matty, but what he means is:

Cher always says it best.
Cher always says it best.

Leah reckons if she’d tried five minutes later, things would’ve been different. Leah is incorrect.

Embarrassment forgotten (as if), Matty hauls his muffins to the Womansion the following morning to take stunning if-she’s-not-in-the-top-three-I-misunderstand-life Lisa on a surprise tennis date. “I’m slightly sh*tting myself a little bit” says Lisa, but she needn’t worry. Matty thinks tennis is five minutes of bad serving followed by an hour in the pool eating strawberries and cream. The guy may not like kissing on a first date, but he sure likes taking his shirt off.

MAN NIPS 2: ELECTIRC BOOGALOO. Source: Channel 10
MAN NIPS 2: ELECTIRC BOOGALOO. Source: Channel 10

Let’s not kid ourselves. This date is ADORABLE. It’s relaxed, it’s easy, he’s ripped and funny, she’s natural and fun, everyone knows how this is going to end.

Someone always gets some on their face. Source: Channel 10
Someone always gets some on their face. Source: Channel 10

There’s a rose, but still no kiss. Matty seems to be distinguishing himself from last year’s wet beige towel Richie by being both interesting and coy. It’s enchanting, but we’re the audience equivalent of a blue-balled teenage boy. Come on, mate.

Equally enchanting is Jen’s relentless quest for notoriety at the cocktail party. She tells us she thinks Elora is a “cocky bitch”, and if she was to answer her own question when Elora in turn calls HER a b**ch, it would be: “Can I dish it out but not take it?”

Yes I can and no I cannot. Source: Channel 10
Yes I can and no I cannot. Source: Channel 10

Is it time to head for the Rosatorium and find out who’s getting turfed? Gosh, yes.

RELATED: Elora lands first single date with Bachelor Matty
RELATED: Things get VERY catty on the Bachelor first group date

Osher greets the girls in a a roasted agate suit and introduces Matty while the girls dutifully make Pick Me faces as their desperate voice-overs play. Roses are squirted at the girls one by one until only lozenge-sucking Leah and Laura-Ann Kardashian are left, and my theory seems true: that if you stand close enough to a Kardashian, they’ll just absorb all of your make-up.

Yesterday nude dress, today nude lip, tomorrow NUDE WORLD. Source: Channel 10
Yesterday nude dress, today nude lip, tomorrow NUDE WORLD. Source: Channel 10

Relax. Of COURSE Leah stays and Laura-Ann, who we’ve never spoken to at all, leaves. Everybody knows that narcissists are more interesting than Kardashians.

You can follow Jo Thornely on Twitter for some more brilliant Bachelor commentary.

Want morecelebrity, entertainment and lifestyle news? Follow Be on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Instagram