The talented and hilariously entertaining Jo Thornely is back with her latest recap of The Bachelorette.
Roses are red
And a room full of dudes
Will make jokes about murder
When new ones intrude.
Okay, I know it’s a very exciting intruder episode and we should get on with it, but I just want to point something out real quick:
Apollo gets a single date! Here is Apollo celebrating his single date. The cameraman had to change lenses just to get Apollo’s whole arm into shot.
Because we’re one hundred percent pushing the fact that Apollo has old fashioned gentlemanly manners, the date has a 50s theme, and will you just LOOK at this dang goddess?
Okay again, I know it’s a very exciting intruder episode and we should get on with it, but Sophie makes Apollo dress for the oldey-timey theme, and I just want to point something out real slow:
The pair sit on an old-fashioned couch in an old-fashioned house and try to think of the stupidest old-fashioned concept for a date they possibly can.
“Back in the fifties it took time to express something, so I thought we’ve got an old school camera here and if I ask you questions, we can kind of recreate the answer through the picture?” suggests Sophie, nailing the brief straight away.
The first question prompts Apollo to tell Sophie something she doesn’t know about him, and he admits that until he was thirteen he was afraid of butterflies. How does that look as a photo?
“How do you take care of your partner after a stressful day?”
“If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would you win a gold medal for?”
Suddnely we’re at the soph-a part of the date, and let’s see how the set-up rates: crackling fire, abundance of cushions, multi-level candle distribution, gigantic patient magician – very high chance of nookie.
Sophie and Apollo dance, dip, sit, sip, and chat – about how worldly he is for his age, about how he had a bit of a heart attack and kidney failure but no biggie.
“It humbled me massively” says Apollo, giving us all a heart attack right in the pants. He gets a rose because duh, Sophie has eyes, and a kiss because duh, Sophie has a face.
From Apollo to a polo, next up is a group date in a paddock with all of the fellas, but we know it’s not a real group date because we watch promos in between episodes, because we’re intellectual.
Osher tells the blokes that they’re all a bit on the young side, so he’s helicoptering in some older bachelors to see if Sophie likes them.
“Are they all in wheelchairs?” says Blake, making a funny joke about old people.
“Food poisoning time” says Jarrod, making a funny joke about killing people.
“Why don’t you get to the chopper?” says Osher, making a joke about a movie that came out before most of these guys were born.
OKAY. NEW BLOKES, WHO DIS.
This is Guy, who is quiet-ish and Brit-ish. Sophie thinks he looks like James Bond.
He has brought Sophie some sunglasses because he is an optometrist. He has brought Sam some consternation because he didn’t look him in the eye. “He’s either nervous, or he’s an asshole” complains Sam.
“Guy’s already digging his own grave” seethes Jarrod, kinda overdoing the whole death motif.
This is AJ, who is a relaxed father of two. Sophie thinks he looks friendly.
He has brought Sophie a menu because he is a chef. He has brought the other boys an instant new friend, because he seems legitimately awesome.
This is Paul, who has five children. Sophie thinks he looks young.
He has brought Sophie nothing, because he is a university student with five children and so probably can’t afford it. He has brought the boys news that he is also a grandparent, causing them to all quickly do some sums in their heads.
And finally this is Stu, just some dude and not at all a minor celebrity like the promos led us to believe. Sophie thinks he looks familiar.
He has brought Sophie champagne, because he is a publican. He has brought the boys an excuse to make jokes about old men’s penises, because he cannot pour champagne without dribbling some on the ground.
Jarrod reckons that out of the four intruders Stu’s the biggest threat, because he recognises that guys who can sometimes come across as just a teensy bit stalky are like, super-masculine and impossible to resist. So he’s so totally fine when Osher tells the group that four men will be leaving at the rose ceremony tonight.
Look, let’s all relax by doing something artistic and sophisticated.
The game quickly becomes the Jarrod Show, as he aggresses his way to a goal in an effort to get Sophie to see what a big baby-man he is. “My strategy going into this is: annihilate the new guys” he toughs, still on that whole charming homicide vibe.
His plan backfires though, as he slams into and draws blood from Blake, who’s on his team. The game stops and a medic is called.
Jarrod sees straight through Blake’s namby-pamby bleeding and minor concussion schtick, though. “He was probably milking it a little bit, it was just a cut gum, like, alright. I think I did a favour to Blake. I mean, he’s glad that he cut his mouth open because that’s a perfect opportunity to get touchy-feely with Sophie”.
Yep. You did him a favour by injuring him. Mate, I think Sam speaks for all of us when he says:
The cocktail party is a tense affair: between the old guys and the new old guys, between the wardrobe department and the fact that the blokes are still wearing their polo shirts just with jackets over them, and between Jarrod’s fantasy that he’s in a relationship with Sophie and the reality that he’s an idiot.
About the only relaxing thing at the party is the realisation that new Guy has quietly run out of battery and is waiting for his personality to be rebooted.
The rose ceremony starts with Osher deserving a slow clap for not cracking up when he walks in on this:
Roses are handed out one by one, violins reach fever-pitch, and Jarrod’s sphincter is just about to start eating his ribcage when Sophie pops outside for a cry because the stress is too much.
Finally it comes down to Whatsisname, The Funny Dude, AJ, Grandpa, and Homeless Harry in upsettingly asymmetrical formation.
AJ stays, because in less than an hour he’s shown more genuine personality than all of Dormitory B.
Bye, the last of the filler dudes. We’ll miss you like people whose names we never learned.
You can follow Jo Thornely on Twitter for more brilliant Bachelorette commentary.