The RHOM ladies live it up in Mexico

We are BACK for our second episode set in Mexico with our favourite Melburnian filthy rich housewives, so as Jackie would say over a shot of tequila, SAH-LOO-TAY! Will Gina finally accept she’s a bully? Will Jackie secure whatever alcohol related business deal she’s in town to do with husband Ben? Will Janet fall over again? And will we finally solve the rock n roll mystery of where exactly the Hotel California is located? Let’s find out!

We open with the ladies clambering aboard a “catamarang”, as Jackie charmingly calls it, so everyone can drink, dance, and explore the coast.

Looks like a terrible time.

On the boat, Sally whispers to someone that there’s a “new sheriff in town”, and Gina remains furious about the the bullying accusation (“She’s a f****n idiot!”)

They disembark for a drink at a place called the Hotel California. COULD IT BE?????? If only we had a psychic on hand to sense the general vibes of the place! Because god knows the staff cannot confirm or deny if this is the actual establishment the Eagles sang about (Memo, the tour guide: “The only thing I know is this hotel is oldest”). Janet spots a mission bell next door and believes it to be concrete evidence of the hotel’s authenticity. Okay!

Gina, Venus and Lydia have gone for a walk. Lydia couldn’t find a hat that matched her dress so she’s enlisted one of the staff to follow her around holding an umbrella, because OF COURSE SHE HAS.

Back at the Hotel California, Jackie considers the evidence (the place is called the Hotel California, Janet saw a bell) and after consulting with her spirits, concludes that yes indeed, this is the actual Hotel California as immortalised in the classic hit by the Eagles because in her head she can see “the spirits” (Don Felder, Don Henley and Glenn Frey?) writing that song. And she is, as she explains to Memo the tour guide, “an accurate psychic” so there you have it, case closed.

Maybe Memo’s not convinced.

Meanwhile, in another bar somewhere in Mexico, the posse of Lydia, Gina and Venus sit down for a refreshing fruit drink and Venus shares with the girls that she had a good talk with Gamble the previous night and they’re on the right track for a real friendship now. Gina grimaces to the camera, “I’m really happy for Venus and Gamble if they have a new friendship.”

Jackie, Janet, Sally and Gamble are also talking about Gamble and Venus’s tequila fueled relationship mending, and we flashback to Gamble staggering around telling Jackie’s business associate that she just “blew up” his toilet, and has left fifty bucks for housekeeping. Gracious! Jackie points out that Gamble’s drunken behaviour could actually have negative effects on her and Ben’s business dealings here in Mexico and Gamble is appropriately contrite.

JACKIE: “He allowed all of us - who he hasn’t met - into his home…”
GAMBLE: “Well, he won’t be letting me in again!”

Cue a classic Jackie cackle.

Gina is still ranting about Sally and has certainly rewritten history a little to make it sound like Sally has been accosting her and screaming at her, and poor Gina has been the victim of bullying at the hands of this total nobody and she won’t take it. She vows that if Sally “starts” on her tonight, she will storm out.

They toast with the words, “Here’s to tonight!” and my blood runs cold on Sally’s behalf.

It’s now tonight! Jackie’s hired out an entire venue for a private dinner so the Housewives won’t annoy any other patrons, which is a hilariously expensive way to handle misbehaving drunken middle aged women.

At the dinner table, Jackie regales the tale of how she and Ben ended up together. Abridged: they knew each other at 14, ran into each other years later as grown ups, dreamed the same dream one night, and then the angels hooked them up. Or something. Look you should probably Google it, it’s in an article somewhere and it’s actually a pretty amazingly Jackie story.

Gina and Lydia then share their first husband stories - they met them as teenagers as well. Lydia gets surprisingly upset talking about how painful leaving her first husband was, bless her. Thankfully marrying a super rich second husband who flies her in a helicopter to buy cheese directly from King Island farmers takes a little of the edge off.

Janet confesses that her first husband was her hairdresser - “he used to give me free blow waves” - and the ladies are somewhat shocked on several levels, I’d assume. But the fairytale didn’t last and once she and George were married, he stopped doing her hair entirely. Which is, I assume, the box she ticked regarding the reason they were splitting up on the divorce papers

Gamble shares that at one point in the early days, she was worried she and Rick were going to break up so she went and got her eyes done by him in case it all went to hell in a handbasket, and everyone chuckles. Then, somewhat maliciously and with a cruel smirk, Gina asks, “And how did you meet him? Just for the record?” E-Harmony, you moll!

It’s a good chance for Gamble to raise the fact Gina’s been telling people she married Rick for his money. Gina’s response? A straight out lie, claiming she’s never said that in her life. Umm, is Gina aware she’s on a television show and everything is being filmed? Sally steps in, reiterating that Gina did indeed say exactly that to her by the pool with Lydia.

“What? No! You’re really making something up!”, insists Gina. Girl, are you serious? Under pressure she suddenly explodes, “HEY I’M ALLOWED TO B*TCH ABOUT ANYONE IF YOU’RE UPSETTING ME” and everyone takes a moment to appreciate what a sane, level-headed thing this is for a grown woman to shout across a table.

A terrific opportunity to enjoy some classic Janet + Jackie reaction shots!

Anyway, things explode in a predictable way, with Gina trying to scramble out of this debacle of her own making and lashing out left, right and centre. Eventually she just says it straight out: “If you really need to know, just for your pea brains, clearly she married him because he’s got money”.

Oh Gina.

Janet points out that Gina’s partner actually pays her rent for her, to which Gina’s responds, “So what? I can afford to pay my own rent - she can’t!”

Honestly, this is a horror episode as far as Gina is concerned. Then to top it off, Venus brings up Sally calling her short, then asks, “What if I continuously, just because you have short hair, call you a dyke?"

CHEQUE PLEASE. WAITER, PLEASE HURRY. THIS DINNER IS GOING DOWNHILL RAPIDLY.

Actually nah it’s all good, Venus has “a million and one lesbian friends and I adore them all” so she can say stuff like this, the lesbians universally love it as much as a new Tegan & Sara album.

This dinner is an absolute shitshow and I am so relieved when it winds up.

The next morning Venus is in the mood for some b*tching about the previous night’s arguments, but throws a small tantrum when Gina and Lydia seem less interested in listening to her and more interested in playing some terrible pool.

When they finally sit down for a debrief, Gina’s core squad of enablers Lydia and Venus agree with their queen about everything relating to Sally (namely: Sally is a demon from hell summoned to make Gina’s life a misery, and Gina has never done anything wrong in her entire life), and then Venus pipes up with this anecdote.

VENUS: “Something like that happened to me in high school. They threw my lunch away. One of the boys… shat in it. He shat in the lunch box.”

Gina finally displays signs of the level headedness we used to know and love.

GINA: “Ok well, that's sort of a little bit further than where Sally's gone.”

Where she’s gone so far, Ms Liano.

Later on their last day in Mexico, Lydia and Venus head out golfing, which is a great excuse to drink and drive golf buggies erratically.

On a beach somewhere, Jackie takes a romantic walk with husband Ben and shares how concerned she is about Gina’s behaviour. Then they hold a sombrero wearing iguana named Margarita because, when in Mexico etc.

And now, as a mariachi band plays a menacing tune in the distance, we return to the villa for one final group dinner as the ladies say farewell to their Mexican adventure. Janet, Jackie and Venus are waiting for the others to arrive, and conversation turns to Lydia’s behaviour on the trip. Jackie asking Venus incredulously, “Was she really having someone carry an umbrella for her all day long?”

The answer is affirmative, and Jackie declares, “I would’ve grabbed that umbrella and jammed it up her arse”.

Jackie’s heard that the poor guy who had to be Lydia’s umbrella boy got heat stroke and couldn’t come to work the following day, and she’s concerned that Lydia might not have even tipped him for his devotion to her well being under the Mexican sun!

The rest of the women join the table and Jackie points out how amazing the staff has been and suggests that it might be appropriate for everyone to give a tip and she thinks $200USD would be a suitable amount… then adds that Lydia might wanna muster up an extra $500 for the man forced to follow her around holding an umbrella for a whole day!

“Did you tip him?”, asks Gina, and Lydia looks suddenly very awkward. “I will,” she replies, “because he’s part of all of our’s [sic] staff… so, thanks for everyone for tipping in as well”.

So… she wasn’t planning on tipping him herself at all and just expected him to take a share of the group’s contribution. Good moment to throw your head back and just chuckle at the vulnerability of the poor locals you’re visiting as an entitled rich tourist, eh?

Comrade Jackie is a friend of the worker, and she is disgusted.

JACKIE: Well I’m just telling you, and I feel that you should give him some money.
LYDIA: Absolutely! Why wouldn’t I?
JACKIE: Well… cos you would’ve done it already.

Honestly, Jackie Gillies for MVP this season.

Jackie announces to the table that she and Ben have signed off with a company to distribute their own tequila, so the visit to Mexico is officially a resounding business success and vision boards actually work! She also chucks in a reference to women supporting women, which seems like an excellent opportunity for someone to try to start a fight over dinner - and it’s Gina! She starts asking questions about when Lydia and Janet made up, then declares that she and Gamble have also made up because deep down they actually love each other.

This is news to Gamble.

Suddenly everyone is loving everyone else!

Geez, is there gonna be any conflict left for the last ten minutes of the episode?

You know there is.

Gamble asks if Sally and Gina have made up and the answer is a strong and resounding NO.

In a last ditch attempt to get power back within the group and to lessen everyone’s affection for newcomer Sally, Gina pulls one more grenade out of her arsenal: she accuses Sally of having said “shut up, wog b*tch” to her at dinner five nights earlier.

“This is now next level!” exclaims Jackie, and she’s not wrong. Gina insists that it happens, everyone who was there on the night (except Gina’s chief enabler Lydia, who backs up Gina’s stories no matter what at the best of times) is adamant nothing like that was ever said, and there has been absolutely nothing in Sally’s past behaviour that would indicate she’s even slightly the kind of person who would say something like that in the heat of the moment.

And look. This is a show where these women are being filmed and content like that would be suitably scandalous for the producers to air, but nothing remotely that has appeared on our screens. There were other people around that night, the whole time, and none of them heard anything vaguely racist coming out of Sally’s mouth. And finally, Gina - a woman who blew her top at hearing the word “bully” aimed in her direction and has ranted and raved about it ever since - has said absolutely nothing about this apparent racist insult until tonight?

I don’t buy it, and neither do most of the ladies.

Gina ends up storming off because no one believes her, and I don’t think this is an issue that is going to be left at Mexico City International Airport when the ladies board their flight home to Melbourne.

NEXT WEEK: Gina’s still ranting about Sally, Gamble experiments with ouija boards, and Jackie hits the stage for her very first Shine It Up show!

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