We’re back from Mexico!
And once again, we start the episode in a dining establishment with Gina and Lydia as they catch up post Mexico and exchange stories about how their dogs reacted when they returned from overseas.
You do get the feeling sometimes looking in Gina’s eyes during these conversations that a small part of her hates herself for somehow ending up with Lydia and having to tolerate non-stop depth free chit chat in exchange for having a sworn ally.
Over in leafy Toorak (or a suburb spiritually identical to Toorak, same diff), Janet and Jackie are popping by to check in on how Sally’s coping after her clashes with Gina in Mexico.
Over some champagne (“SAH-LOOH-TEH!”) Sally regales the girls with a moment she saw on the trip, where Gina plonked herself down and began sending Venus off to fetch her tea, then later some lemon to go with it, then some third thing that Sally can’t remember but must have been suitably humiliating.
Cue Janet and Jackie reaction faces.
Janet and Jackie reiterate that they don’t believe that Sally EVER called Gina a “wog bitch”.
Meanwhile, Gina insists that it happened, announces to Lydia she suspects Sally has fake orgasms, and bangs on more about the whole “new sheriff in town” thing.
“She’s really on the cusp of an arsehole!” declares Gina, before ranting further about the bully comment. Gina’s also pretty unhappy about Janet saying, “Go drown in the pool” during the fight in Mexico, and then Gina and Lydia announce that they believe Janet is a “drunk old lady”. So, things are going well then.
Venus has, at the urging of Lord James, decided to become the model for her new brand of cosmetics (plug plug plug!) and today’s the photo shoot.
The photographer says no wind machines. Cut to James holding a wind machine! Man, there’s nothing photographers love more than the husband of a client standing over them and taking charge of their shoot.
We finally get to spy Jackie’s new business venture in action this episode, namely her debut ‘Shine It Up’ show.
After some initial microphone issues, it ends up being quite a heartfelt kinda event, lots of audience members reaching out to discuss lost loved ones.
Jackie giving life advice, and my personal highlight is when Jackie shares the following emotional memory: “And I remember crying on my bed one day... and I said to god - exact words, verbatim - yer a f**cken see-yew-en-tee."
Didn’t see as much bum dancing as I’d anticipated, but we can’t have it all. Good motivational seminar, Jacks!
In further Housewife business news, Lydia is holding her first cooking class! Which from what I can tell involves backseat chef work while her “interns” actually prep all the food, and then presenting it to guests to eat… so, basically, more of a dinner party than a cooking class. Ideal!
“Cooking class” attendee Gina does seem to have a good time, sozzled after half a glass of champagne and donning Elton John glasses in order to chop onions and present them to the Genie from Aladdin. Best not to ask.
‘Shine It Up’ attendee Venus is inspired by Jackie’s recent onstage pep talk, so she’s invited some of the girls to her make up “masterclass” for her new brand.
She tells sister Rebecca that she’s invited Jackie, Gamble and Gina along to her event, and asked them not to wear makeup so she can give them a makeover. What are the odds Gina would turn up anywhere without makeup on?
Jackie and Gamble actually DO arrive without any make up on, with Gamble explaining, “I actually owe it to Venus… for being such a bitch”. I do love Gamble’s moments of brutal honesty toward herself sometimes.
After having all her guests sit down and giving a brief introduction, Venus tells them all she’s about to do a big reveal - she’s going to share a photo of her taken shortly after the birth of her second daughter….
Gamble: “I’ve got chills”
It gets a little emotional (Venus’s sister Rebecca bursts into tears?) but it’s okay everyone, Venus says she got her boobs done and figured out how to contour her face using make up and Bob’s yer uncle, a lil pocket-sized glamazon appeared!
Afterwards, Jackie and Gamble get makeovers from Venus while they discuss, in order, Gamble’s plan to hold a seance (Gina and Jackie are very much in the anti-seance camp), and Janet’s relationship (Gina makes some assumptions about Janet having split from her fella and why that might’ve happened, and Jackie sets her straight).
In the meantime, Venus is just contouring away busily… and the end result made me laugh so loudly, I woke the dog.
Later, Jackie fills in Janet about the fact Gina seemed to be spreading some gossip about her relationship with her boyfriend, and Janet is not happy.
She’s pretty furious at Gina’s partner in crime Lydia too, and if I know my Janet Roach, she’ll get ‘em for this!
Janet joins Venus at Gamble’s seance, where the ladies are joined by a medium named Drift (!!!!) and attempt to contact the ghost allegedly living in Gamble’s garage.
This is Drift, and I SWEAR TO GOD I KNOW HER FROM SOMEWHERE.
Anyway, the spirit appears to be taking the piss with the ouija board, and also it’s possibly Lord James’s grandfather? Look, it’s all a bit weird. I think Janet must have gotten a bit bored so at some point she finally asks the question we’re all dying to know.
“Did Sally… call Gina… a wog bitch?”
Drift responds, “I don’t know if the spirits are really concerned about that.”
WELL THEN THE SPIRITS CERTAINLY HAVEN’T GOT A BLOODY CLUE ABOUT THE SCANDAL THAT IS CURRENTLY SETTING SOCIAL MEDIA ABLAZE AS WE SPEAK (AND BY SOCIAL MEDIA I MEAN SPECIFICALLY, ONE EYED GINA LIANO FANATICS ON TWITTER)
Janet insists: “This is like, a really, really, really major question. Did… Sally.. Call… Gina… A… Wog… Bitch?”
The planchette suddenly moves like a thing possessed over to ‘Yes’.
Janet’s throws her hands up in the air as if to say, “Well, who knew?”
Then Gamble chuckles evilly and confesses, “I might have had some control on that.”
Man, if you can’t trust a ouija board to get to the bottom of a mystery like “Did a fully mic’d up person on a filmed reality show actually say something or not” then who can you turn to for a definitive statement?
- turns pointedly toward the camera and looks dead on* Hello, producers.
NEXT WEEK: Jackie receives a key to the City of Newcastle! Gamble rehearses her song for the Wolfpup! Venus’s youngest kid has a birthday party and Gamble does something that makes Venus cry!
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