Bachelor In Paradise kicks off with trysts, triangles and two-minute noodles

IT’S FINALLY HERE: the premiere of Bachelor in Paradise Australia we’ve all been waiting for has arrived. And hoo mama, was it a spicy meatball.

If you’re anything like me I recommend watching future episodes with captions because I spent the majority of the debut screaming.

The series opened with aerial views of tropical sandy beaches in what we can assume was taken from a hefty drone budget, followed by Osher popping out of some foliage exclaiming “Welcome to paradise!” THANK YOU OSHER, we scream in response from our crumb-covered beanbags.

A summary of what’s to come hints at an extraordinary season: laughter, tears, a same-sex kiss, more tears, declarations of love, even more crying, Jarrod’s quintessential tomato-esque glow… folks, it’s going to be a wild ride.

So who’s sipping mojitos on BIPA - this acronym will surely catch on - so far?

First up, hilarious Tara from Matty J’s season, perspiring heavily and saying she wants to “live every day like it’s your last.” We assume her last day on earth will be similar to that of a Fijian prince or retired millionaire baby boomer because the resort they’re hunkered down in is beautiful and comes with its own friendly bartender (who we hope is allowed to go home to his family during evenings and public holidays).

Impeccably groomed Michael, from Sam Frost’s season, strolls in and politely points out how sweaty Tara is like any gentleman would. He’s followed by Luke (fresh in our minds after surfing with Sophie Monk) and Lisa ‘Blake bullet-dodger’ Hyde.

If you’re thinking that happy quartet seems a little too happy, ominous music tells us the next set of legs belongs to a villain… it’s Leah!

She tells us “I get along better with boys than girls” but no comment of how she will engage with the adult men and fully-grown women she’s about to see. Tara is not too happy to see her former colleague/love rival, that’s for darn sure.

Self-described larrikin Davey bounds in full of confidence and laundry washed by his mother, followed by Brett, a.k.a “who is that”, who Tara reveals is dating her friend. This isn’t Polyamory in Paradise, mate! Let’s spare a thought for his current squeeze viewing the show. Hoo boy.

We’ve got Nina who is single-handedly keeping the word ‘pash’ alive in common vernacular, breakdancing Eden who reveals himself to be some sort of fish doctor, and smiley-faced Mack (Mack’s flashback leaves us hoping guitars are outlawed in Fiji).

Fan favourite Florence is a star of tonight, saying the powers that be on Matty J’s season “milked the Dutch-ness out of me” but we reckon there’s still plenty of Nederlands references and puns to be squeezed out of the televisual teat. Sorry.

Villainous music introduces Blake, looking slightly less menacing without facial hair and sporting a matching summer get-up. You’re not Taika Waititi, bro. More crimes to fashion greet us with ‘nice guy’ Jake, sporting the classic pool attire of a blazer and shorts.

We learn that Flo and Jake have a history! Her words of “People talk on instagram, you meet and get smashed and things happen” gives all of us hope for romance in 2018.

Osher gathers the sweaty singles to explain the rules - familiar date cards will be handed out, but roses will be given by different groups each ceremony: ladies have the power for the first off. And new faces will arrive at literally any moment (hopefully parachuted directly into a conversation).

Davey gets the first date card and panics between his lust for Flo and his friendship with Jake.

Mates before dates wins out and he picks Leah in what is an incredibly awkward first date and smooch.

Tara reveals she cooked up two-minute noodles in the time that pair pashed and dashed. Yikes.

WOOP WOOP what’s that? It’s the first new face alarm!

Enter Keira, showing off her new rack and veneers, ready to stir the tropical pot. She’s arrived in time for the second date card given to Jake, who does not abide by the Davey bro-code and whisks Florence away.

Ouch… our first Bachie love triangle! We can only hope a love trapezoid is to en route.

Highlights:

• Menacing shots of tropical birds: will this season provide our first ever avian attack?

• Brett’s politician-esque response to questions of his relationship status: “to go on the show, we had to be single… let’s leave it at that.”

• Keira describing her ideal partner as being tall, having huge hands and the propensity to chase things: it seems her dream man is in fact a Kodiak bear

It was a jam-packed debut of old faces, new rules, same schadenfreude. The first Rose Ceremony is tomorrow - sending three beach blokes home. It’s going to be a cracker.

You can follow Deirdre on Twitter here.

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