Jarrod learns his place in paradise

In the words of Mack: wowee. We’re five episodes in and Paradise is losing its initial glow for almost everyone except Wise, who continues to be the world’s most charming bartender.

Rose Ceremony hangover is in full swing and the lads are swooping on Ali like seagulls who have spotted half a sausage roll in a bin, but with less subtlety.

Florence who?

All this attention is stressing Ali out and she decides to let down Mack gently by sobbing on his shoulder, and then has the same chat with Michael (sans tears, thankfully).

This show can be hard to keep up with as every episode new people are thrown out of helicopters willy-nilly to land in paradise.

I recommend devoting a wall in your house to crudely drawn pictures of the contestants that you can draw a red X through when they leave to stay on track and add a sense of fun (please do not contact my landlord about this).

Anyway, welcome Grant, a buff American firefighter who proposed to and got matching tattoos with his gal on his Bachelor season.

Will he make more extreme and regrettable public life choices in paradise? We can only hope.

Everyone feels various levels of steam for Grant (as visibly demonstrated by Jarrod’s increasingly red face) who chooses Leah for his date card.

Their canoodling begins with Leah unbuttoning his shirt with the thirst of a middle-aged mum of four sitting alone in a cinema for Magic Mike.

More fresh meat arrives in the form of Daniel, a lumpy Canadian with the posture of a haunted mannequin.

Daniel and Nina have a spa date primarily involving Daniel talking about his body and saying “I’m a bad boy”, causing me to have a violent nausea/brain aneurysm episode.

Unfortunately his robotic body is waterproof and he doesn’t malfunction, but it’s only early days.

Meanwhile, Sam and Tara have been getting chummy and have an official date making cocktails for each other.

Sammy adorably fudges the recipe and adds bucketloads of alcohol to Tara’s drink because nothing says romance like deliberately trying to get a woman drunk.

Tonight’s Hot Mess award goes to Jarrod, for initially self-censoring and saying he was ‘P-ed off’, then later not self-censoring and saying ‘aw f***’ when feeling threatened by Grant and Daniel, finishing with a red-faced rant at Mack. Classy.

Who knows what tomorrow’s Rose Ceremony will bring? We can only hope for more tears, tantrums and love triangles.

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