Yummy Mummies recap: 'My boobs have exploded!'

Welcome to the very first Jess McGuire recap of the very first episode of Yummy Mummies, a Dogme 95-influenced documentary series that is unafraid to explore the gritty depths and emotional pressures of motherhood in the modern age.

Just kidding! This is a shiny new superficial reality TV show about “mummies” who are “yummy”! That’s it! That’s the concept! It’s uncomplicated and it’s exactly what it says on the box. Who could possibly ask for more? Now, it’s time we delved head first into the glorious, utterly skin-deep world of Yummy Mummies…

WATCH: Episode One of Yummy Mummies is streaming now

The first thing we learn via our good friend the narrator is that, “These gorgeous girls have got it all - the cars, the money, the perfect life”
And, it seems according to the opening montage, they also have bouquets made of $100 notes? Is this a thing?

We first meet Yummy Mummy #1 Lorinska, who is a… model? Probably? I’m sure we’ll find out down the road.

She declares “Mother’s Group, it’s a safe haven… NOT!” and yet goes on to be shown confiding in her fellow YummyMummies that, “I don’t know about you, but my boobs have exploded!”

I’d get that seen to ASAP.

Lorinska also expresses some serious disdain for the idea of breastfeeding (FYI highbrow types: this is her Chekhov’s gun moment, we will find out more about this later) and then, with a slightly unhinged chuckle, confesses that being pregnant has led to her being a bit high maintenance as far as her husband is concerned, and she finds herself constantly nagging him about when he’ll be home. Sounds fun! Lucky Mr Lorinska.

Time to meet Yummy Mummy #2, Jane. She’s pregnant with her second child, so I’m guessing she’s slightly more grounded in actual reality than her fellow “reality” show stars. I’m inferring all this from a short clip of her teaching Lorinska a thing or two about pumping breast milk as once again we don’t really find out anything about what Jane does for a living, or her interests, but we do see that she is indeed both yummy and a mummy, so we’re getting exactly what we signed up for I suppose.

Then we meet #3 Rachel, who resembles a slightly hyperactive and super-Oz version of Sarah Jessica Parker, described by her pals as a “pocket rocket”. Short and full of energy. Got it.

And now, it’s time to meet the Yummy Mummy who has clearly been designated the role of The One Who Is A Bit Much, and given we are about to start exploring a world where money bouquets exist, that’s truly saying something. Meet Adelaide’s contribution to the Yummy Mummy (potential?) franchise, #4 Maria:

Maria has literal crowns lying around her house, and declares in an offhand I-have-no-grip-on-real-life kinda way that every mum should have their own “Hollywood powder room” although I’m pretty sure Maria has confused “Hollywood powder room” for “Duty free cosmetic counter”.

Maria reveals she has an impressive collection of expensive AND TOTALLY LEGIT AND NOT AT ALL FAKE designer bags that she likes to ruin the resale value of by personalising them with her own monogrammed initials.

I bet you’re asking yourself, wow, I wish we had some way to gain an insight as to how Maria turned out like this! Friends, your wish is my command. I give you: her mother.

In the first 30 seconds we see Maria and her mother Margherita interacting on screen, I cannot help but completely empathise with the woman who walks away from them, mid-heated-discussion, saying, “I can’t deal with youse both!”

Well here we are. And I know what you’re thinking. This show is just full of rich awful people that will make me want to stab my eyes out with a fork! But look, it’s not ALL obscene wealth and detachment from the real world. As our narrator chum tenderly tells us, “No matter what, friendships and love will help them get through it all!”

And whatever happens, this show will inevitably end with all these women in extreme pain as they push out a squirming, tiny human who will probably be our boss in 20 years.

Onwards! We find ourselves doing a spot of designer shopping in Melbourne with the Lorinska/Rachel/Jane triumvirate, and the girls start talking about the big issues straight off the bat.

Lorinska asks her pals, “Do you know something that I just cannot STAND?” (We wonder to ourselves what this could be. War? Cancer? Inequality? Barriers to education in the developing world?) “Really frumpy maternity clothes, I just don’t think there’s a NEED for it!”

She’s back up by Rachel, who adds, “Some young mums, I just feel, like, they lose it through pregnancy, like… normally glamorous people are walking out of the house looking daggy? Like, people are still SEEING them?! You’re pregnant, it doesn’t mean you’re dying!”

Hmm. After this wondrous insight into the disappointing fashion choices of less glamorous pregnant women, we then learn that Lorinska is super horny, and possibly utterly clueless as to what life with a new baby will be like.

Let’s see what’s happening in Adelaide.

Oh great, Maria is showing off the clothes she has already purchased in anticipation of the arrival of her baby daughter in two months time - and it’s all designer wear, of course, because nothing bounces back from a barrage of vomit and baby poo explosions quite like a Versace onesie. She even has matching outfits for her, her partner, their unborn baby, and their dog.

Maria announces that she’s gonna birth a glamour princess, and knowing how much the universe loves a good gag, I’ve got my fingers crossed that when her progeny emerges, she’ll be the reincarnation of Kristy from The Baby-Sitters'Club.

Turns out that the woman we heard earlier snapping, “I can’t deal with youse both!” at Maria and Margherita is actually Maria’s little sister Bianca, who Maria charitably describes as “not AS glamorous, she likes the laidback look”.

Anyway the whole point of this scene is that we’re about to learn that Maria is planning her baby shower, and she’s decided on a theme - BURBERRY. (I need to stop hanging out with plebs, I had no idea that baby showers could be designer themed. The closest thing to a “theme” I’ve ever experienced was one where the cupcakes had sperm drawn on them with icing, which matched the sperm-decorated balloons hanging from the ceiling).

Maria announces to camera, “My Burberry baby shower is going to be the BIGGEST in Adelaide! The BIGGEST BURBERRY BABY SHOWER YOU’VE EVER SEEN!” which seems like a super specific category to me. How many others are vying for victory in the ‘Biggest Burberry Baby Shower In Adelaide’ competition?

MARGHERITA: So the whole babyshower, everything, is going to be in Burberry?
MARIA: I want everything Burberry.
MARGHERITA: Everything?
MARIA: Burberry, Burberry…
MARGHERITA: The table settings?
MARIA: Burberry.

I’m getting the feeling that Maria’s keen on Burberry.

Back to Melbourne, where the ladies have discovered a little something called Instagram and created themselves an account because, as Lorinska puts it, “Evvvvvverybody wants to know what we’re up to! Evvvvvvverybody wants to know what we’re wearing!” Yeah sure okay, please continue.

Lorinska, Jane, and Rachel take a couple of selfies for their Insty followers and then settle in for a couple of mocktails and a no-holds-barred discussion about impending motherhood.

LORINSKA: When I fell pregnant, I thought, “Oh my goodness!”
JANE: [finishing her thought] “I’m going to have to give birth to a baby!”
LORINSKA: No… I’ve got a phobia about… breastfeeding.

Lorinska believes her fear of breastfeeding stems from a childhood incident where a rogue farmer sprayed her in the face with milk direct from a cow’s teat. Well, of course.

Her fears aren’t helped when, after confessing the origin story of her phobia, Rachel advises her that once the baby is born it will slowly, menacingly crawl up her body in a frenzied attempt to latch on to her nipples. Fun!

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Back to Adelaide, where the DiGeronimo family are on the hunt for a suitable location for THE BIGGEST BURBERRY BABY SHOWER IN ADELAIDE’S HISTORY™. Ladies and gentlemen, you’re about to meet the most patient, unflappable, professional person working in hospitality today - Jess, the venue coordinator at this apparent Adelaide hotspot.

Facing off with three vaguely terrifying women with delusions of grandeur who seem to believe that baby showers of the rich should rate above literally any other event in the eyes of the world, this young lady calmly tells them that no, they can’t have the bigger room at the venue as it’s already been booked for a wedding, and besides, their baby shower is a much smaller party and therefore needs to be in the smaller event space.

Maria delivers a fair few straight-to-camera pieces where she furiously declares that Jess The Venue Coordinator will just have to “cancel” the wedding booking as Maria’s baby shower MUST take priority. She stomps and pouts and points out every flaw in the smaller room and without missing a beat, and with a beatific smile on her face, Jess The Venue Coordinator counters every point with an easy solution. And after all the huffing and puffing, Maria is forced to back down and settle on the smaller room. Brought a tear to my eye, it did.

Over in Melbourne, Lorinska’s getting an ultrasound and giving her husband a rundown on what a “push present” is. I can only assume it’s a slang term for the poos that sometimes happen when women are giving birth, right? Right?

“The bigger the baby, the bigger the push present. I don’t think Andrew knows that he’s in for!” See? Told you!

But wait! Turns out a “push present” is actually super-expensive jewelry or luxury cars given as a thank you gift from husband to wife in the world of rich people!!!!!!!

Maria, meanwhile, is still terrorising Jess The Venue Coordinator with her event demands. Her mum Margherita explains to Jess that the baby shower theme is Burberry, and she’s only halfway getting the sentence out before Jess The Venue Coordinator nods knowingly and finishes it, like, “Ah yes, Burberry, of course, the traditional Adelaide baby shower theme, say no more.” Seriously, just how obsessed with Burberry ARE our South Australian compatriots?

Jess The Venue Coordinator fulfils the final part of her contractual obligations to the ‘Yummy Mummies’ production team by facilitating the plot point where Adelaidian cast member Maria finally fake-learns about her Melbourne counterparts: Jess hands Maria an iPad and suggests she take a look at a helpful Instagram account for baby shower inspo - it’s called @melbourneyummums.

Maria and her family are scrolling through the feed, at first umm-ing and ahh-ing at the glamorous lives of Lorinska, Jane, and Rachel before jealousy hits and they begin live heckling everything that appears on the screen. FINALLY, A RIVALRY HAS BEEN ESTABLISHED. WHERE WILL IT GO FROM HERE, WHO KNOWS?

Well actually we do know. Maria quickly becomes obsessed with the @melbourneyummums Instagram account and can’t stop checking it constantly.

Maria triumphantly announces that by following the Instagram account of her enemies, she can “see everything that they put up!” which is quite the insight, thank you Maria. After an extended period of stalking and judging, she decides to casually slide into their DMs and invite the women, total strangers to her and living in another state, to her baby shower because of course, why not, etc.

Over in Melbourne, the invitation is received and once Maria’s Instagram account has been thoroughly assessed and vetted, our trio decide that sure, why not, let’s fly to Adelaide for the baby shower of a woman we don’t know.

Now that the Melbourne contingent are attending her baby shower, apparently the previously vehemently agreed upon baby shower theme of Burberry needs to be scrapped (I don’t understand why) and discussions are held over family dinner night at the DiGeronimo house as to what the new theme shall be. Maria’s delightful dad steps up to the plate, his ears pricking up when he hears someone mention gold, and he looks up from his dinner and offers with a shrug, “She likes Versace, I think."

NICE ONE DAD, WE HAVE A NEW THEME!

Lorinska, Jane, and Rachel have jumped on a flight to Adelaide for a stranger’s baby shower, because of course, and they powerwalk to the tune of Beyonce’s "Run The World (Girls)" through to the airport to the baggage carousel (funnily enough, also my personal choice of song in the mental musical montages that run through my head whenever I head to claim my luggage at an airport).

They’re driven to a McMansion out in the suburbs where three supposedly well off and sophisticated women gasp with astonishment at seeing a personalised number plate (Maria sure does love putting her name on her belongings!). After entering Chez Maria, the women find themselves… well, the polite word would be “gobsmacked” by the choice of decor, which looks like the Versace empire had a big night on the sauce and threw up everywhere.

Maria sits down with her new friends for a morning tea, and reveals she made her partner Carlos get her name tattooed on him after about a month of dating, hammering home her pathological need to see her name on everything she owns. Eyebrows are raised around the table at this revelation and when Maria dashes away from the table to grab something from another room, Rachel mutters, “She’s a fruitloop!” but in Lorinska’s mind the tattoo branding revelation is not the most alarming piece of trivia that this visit to Adelaide has unearthed about Maria.

Anyway blah blah blah, Maria continues to make her Melburnian guests smirk and roll their eyes at her ostentatious existence, and she continues to convince herself that they’re super jealous of her exquisite wealth and taste. Everybody’s happy!

But what’s Margherita up to? Oh, only effortlessly rocking the greatest outfit in the history of fashion.

She’s also getting dance lessons, so she can bring a little showbiz glamour to Adelaide’s biggest Burberry, er, Versace baby shower slash treat herself to an afternoon grinding against hot male dance instructors!

Her instructor’s name is Orlando, and he does a terrific job of keeping a straight face as she tells him she’s there to learn a routine to inflict upon the trapped attendees of Maria’s pre-birth shindig. “This baby shower is no normal baby shower,” she explains, “It’s gonna be the baby shower of the year, Adelaide’s all going to be talking about it!”

Margherita breathlessly informs Orlando of what she needs from him (a dance miracle, from what I can tell) but I literally cannot make out what song she’s talking about when she lets him in on the track she’s chosen to soundtrack her jiving, so it’ll be a fun surprise for all of us when we see it play out on screen later. She rambles on without taking a breath, advising him of the difficulties one faces when trying to locate dress material made of vinyl in Adelaide (?) amongst other anecdotes, and poor Orlando smiles quietly and begins mentally conducting a quick cost-benefit analysis of accepting future bookings from the DiGeronimos.

Cut to Maria’s house where the grand tour of gaudiness continues for Lorinska, Rachel, and Jane. She’s got designer bottles! She has a crown above the cot! She has designer hair accessories already put away in drawers! She has bought enough designer clothes of various sizes for her unborn daughter to be able to dress her until she turns 14 years old!

“Now they’re just beginning to see the extent of my collection,” Maria says, leaning in with a slight bulge of crazy eyes, accidentally mixing up the word ‘collection’ for ‘bats**t insanity’ in her direct-to-camera enthusiasm.

She even shows the girls her super special designer handbag collection, and when someone has the temerity to ask if they’re all “genuine”, Maria passionately insists that there’s no way she’d ever buy counterfake handbags.

Counterfake.

I’ll let you sit with that a while longer.

Ding-dong! Margherita’s here! She’s swung past Maria’s house to meet the Melburnians, offering everyone a glass of champagne and assuring everyone that after a quick Googling session, she’s 100% confident that pregnant women can drink expensive champagne twice a week. The visitors seem delighted by this full-on unit offering them Moet, but Maria suspects they’re only being nice to her mum because she’s “not a threat” due to her age. Mmmhmm.

It’s the following day now, and baby shower prep is beginning in earnest at both the hotel of the visiting Yummy Mummies, and DiGeronimo HQ. While the biggest concern at the hotel is whether Lorinska’s bangin’ baby-carrying bod might upstage Maria at her own event, over at the venue a frantic Maria is about to unleash hell upon everyone and everything around her - particularly Margherita, whose suggestions and criticisms regarding decor aren’t being welcomely received by her offspring.

Listen Margherita, it’s probably a bit late now to start saying stuff like, “They look cheap, Maria!” about your daughter’s decorating choices — the ship of good taste sailed a long time ago.

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Next week’s episode will see Adelaide’s Biggest Baby Shower™ play out on our screens, and some important questions will be answered, such as:

1 Will Lorinska’s glamorous silver maternity dress inspire a murderous rage in Maria, resulting in a bloodbath that poor Jess the Venue Coordinator will have to clean up?
2 Will Maria’s family and close friends be somewhat offended that some total randoms from Melbourne have scored prime seats at Adelaide’s Biggest Baby Shower?
3 Just how mortifying will Margherita’s dance routine be?
4 Most importantly, will Margherita have finally developed the necessary skills to inflate a balloon?

See you next week, you brave soldiers of trash.

Yummy Mummies airs Sundays on Channel Seven.

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