Yummy Mummies recap ep 4: Did Maria go into labour?

Folks, it’s my great pleasure to welcome you to the Episode Four recap of Yummy Mummies, a show that has forced me to sit through more baby showers on screen than I ever have in real life (probably) and recently won a non-existent Logie for Most Shout Outs To Versace.

Let’s get cracking, shall we?

We open on the Gold Coast where last episode Maria and Carlos were enjoying their tasteful Versace themed babymoon before an unexpected release of liquid caused Maria to believe her waters had broken, and the pair made their way to a nearby Gold Coast hospital to get checked out. A midwife checks Maria out and runs some tests to figure out if Maria’s actually in labour, and announces that baby Valentina is head down and ready to go… wait, didn’t ALL OF THIS happen last episode? I am so confused.

We switch over to Melbourne where Lorinska is discussing her outfit selection for her baby shower with one of the town’s best stylists who apparently only dresses celebrities, and also pregnant party mums. Lorinska tells us she plans on having a “high class, classic, and very timeless” baby shower, which is her way of saying that she wants it to be the complete opposite of Maria’s baby shower in Adelaide.

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Lana Wilkinson runs through a couple of outfit options for Lorinska, and also helps answer a couple of questions from Lorinska regarding the increase in breast size that new mothers can expect.

LORINSKA: Do they get bigger? Your breasts?

LANA: Very much so, my love. Like, yeah.. It’s usually about day four after you’ve had a baby…

LORINSKA: What happens!?

They settle on a dress by designer Schmablero Mareeblewerrooooo (okay sorry, it just sounded like a blur of vowels and consonants to me because I am poor) and take a moment to insult Lorinska’s Adelaide rival by remarking that Maria’s Chanel sunglasses are very Paris Hilton circa ten years ago, and also guess where she’s gone on her babymoon? PALAZZO VERSACE LOL. ON THE GOLD COAST.

LORINSKA: It’s like a constant verbal diarrhea of Versace!

LANA: (scraping to think of something generous to say) I think Versace… is great… for… red carpet events?

Anyway, Lorinska says now that she has an amazing dress sorted, she’s all ready for her baby shower and it’s going to be “brilliant”. I can’t imagine what could possibly ruin her special day for her.

Back on the Gold Coast, and Maria’s still getting examined by the midwife and in the midst of it all, Carlos gets a text. Guess who’s on their way?

The midwife is all, “Oh, so your parents are flying up from Adelaide because your waters have broken?” and she says it in a super calm voice but her face indicates she’s also secretly thinking, “Ugh, rich people are the worst”.

In any case, the test results are in — Maria’s cervix is long and closed, like her heart, and her waters haven’t actually broken.

I am a monster for asking that, I am so sorry. Carry on.

Maria realises it’s too late to stop her mum and dad from coming as they’re already on a flight, so it’s decided to go back to the Palazzo Versace and wait for Margherita and Joe to arrive. Which they do quite swiftly, thanks to the editing department, and Margherita enters the room and starts circling Maria and Carlos, mouth agape, as though they’re some kind of evil doppelgangers conjured up by witchcraft and she can’t quite believe what she’s seeing.

Margherita and Joe find out that Maria’s water (not actually) breaking was a false alarm, and Magherita chooses to look on the bright side — this means she and Maria can go shopping on the Gold Coast! Plus, she gets to crash Maria and Carlos’s baby moon which is, to quote Margherita, “what I really wanted, anyway”.

Carlos must be stoked.

We now pop into Joey Scandizzo’s salon in South Yarra (I assume… because, c’mon, it has to be, right?! If not, then Toorak? Prahran?) where the World’s Most Beautifulest Husband With The Most Beautifulest Heart™ is busy tending to the locks of his beloved Jane.

It’s like, I don’t want to be jealous or anything but I can’t help but feel envious at how convenient it would be to have married a hairdresser/beauty salon owner and always look impeccable. Maybe that’s where I’ve gone wrong in my life? Not marrying a hairdresser, and also, these trackies from Bonds that I’m wearing?

But wait, what’s that on Joey’s head?

A workplace akubra? Jane, he’s all yours. Enjoy!

Anyhoo, Jane gives a nice little speech to camera about how she wants only the best for Lorinska’s big day.

JANE: “I’m really hoping today’s going to be a wonderful day for Lorinska! She deserves it! And I just want everyone to spoil her, with hugs and kisses, and just embrace the fact that she’s going to be a mum soon!”

I’ve heard this speech before.

Jane mentions to Joey that Maria, that rando from Adelaide whose baby shower they all inexplicably attended, will also be coming to Lorinska’s baby shower today with her mum Margherita. Jane goes on to explain that Maria is a little competitive, which is a nice reminder… Joey, have you got something for Jane to shove in Maria’s face?

The number place is ‘PUSH-2’, please kill me.

“I’m not a competitive type like Maria is,” explains Jane, “but I cannot wait to ram this Range Rover down her throat.” (not verbatim)

After Maria’s recent labour scare, she’s currently sitting with her mum Margherita at a Gold Coast airport weighing up whether or not to fly down for the baby shower of a veritable stranger. Yes, because your destination should 100% be the last thing you decide when you head to the airport, right after you’ve chosen what overpriced nonsense you’d like to nab yourself from the food court.

Margherita says she’s sorted out a great little present for Lorinska and she’s put Maria’s name on in (I promise you this is not the first nor last time this has happened in Maria’s life, I highly doubt she ever thinks of anyone other than herself at all times… MARGHERITA YOU CREATED THIS MONSTER, STOP MAKING LIFE EASIER ON HER) so they decide, meh, may as well visit Melbourne to ensure the tenuous link between the chosen cast members continues through the series.

We all know how awful Margherita’s present for Lorinska will be, right? It’s something you can just feel in your bones. Also, side note: Maria and Margherita are such absolute HAMS in front of the camera at the moment, someone needs to hire them for the English pantomime circuit.

Lorinska’s meeting her stylist for her baby shower onsite just before everyone arrives and after gazing approvingly at the wall of flowers and comparing them to something Kim and Kanye would do…

… Lorinska makes an announcement: “This is going to be Melbourne’s classiest baby shower ever!”

Clearly she’s forgotten the guest list.

What follows after Maria and Margherita’s arrival at the baby shower is a heap of passive aggression, high pitched fake laughter, and general awkwardness that made me wish I was Rachel, who doesn’t appear to be at the baby shower and as such, doesn’t have to witness the world’s worst guests make small talk with two super rich rivals.

There’s a nice little discussion about champagne where Margherita declares that the only champagne for her is Moet because it “looks classier” (it’s not about taste, clearly) and she thinks Lorinska’s chosen tipple Mumm just doesn’t cut the mustard, and Lorinska is forced to mention that, well actually, Mumm is more expensive than Moet, and I just sit here shaking my head sadly, sipping my ALDI prosecco from a Kmart glass.

HEY EVERYBODY WHERE IS RACHEL, WE MISS HER, OH LOOK SOMEONE IS VIDEO CALLING.

She tell everyone she went in for an emergency caesarean yesterday and here’s the result, a little boy named Harvey Glenn. Congrats Rachel, on both the birth of your son and also, getting to avoid The Maria & Margherita Show at Lorinska’s baby shower!

They all say goodbye to Rachel and sit down at the table, and the uncomfortable passive aggressive chit chat continues with Maria talking about her baby moon at Palazzo Versace (the Melburnians look amused) and how her Uncle came and took intimate photos of her by the pool (the Melburnians look baffled) and how Margherita turned up to the baby moon (the Melburnians look horrified). The DiGeronimos reveal that Maria asked Margherita to fly up because she thought her waters had broken but it was a false alarm, and Margherita explains scientifically, “apparently there’s two lots of waters, there’s one in the back and one in the front” and I think Lorinska’s face accurately sums up everyone’s reaction to this revelation.

“So basically you peed yourself at the Palazzo Versace? Happens. Not to me, but that’s okay.”

There’s some nonsense about that dang push present of Jane’s that Maria has been ignoring (which, to be fair, I would probably ignore too given it’s so clearly there to make me feel awful) and then we finally get to the cherry on the cake of baby shower awfulness. You know what’s coming, don’t you? That’s right, Margherita’s baby shower present.

Is it gonna be Margherita unleashing a sensual dance upon a trapped audience? Adelaide’s greatest cover band Jungle Jooce has been flown in to perform?

No, it’s worse. And it’s prefaced with Maria telling the table, “Now I know you didn’t get me anything for my baby shower — not even any cash” to the absolute astonishment of everyone but Margherita, who clearly has no regrets about raising a daughter who would actually say something like that, “but it’s only polite I had mum organised a gift for you.”

The present is...

A LORINSKA IMPERSONATOR.

Oh, it’s bad. It’s so so bad. There are terrible scripted lines that this poor hired actress has to say about Maria being the true star, there’s a fake Logie, there’s a goddawful song, and when it’s all finally finished after several excruciating minutes, even Lorinska can’t pretend to laugh it off by the end, she just gets up and leaves the room… followed by Jane… FOLLOWED BY EVERY SINGLE ATTENDEE OF THE BABY SHOWER, LEAVING THE TWO IDIOTS WHO HIRED A LORINSKA IMPERSONATOR TO INSULT THE MOTHER-TO-BE SITTING ALONE AT A TABLE WONDERING WHAT EVERYONE WAS SO UPTIGHT ABOUT.

Ah, Maria and Margherita. What a pair! They know the price of everything and the value of nothing, as the saying goes, and I am genuinely concerned that the entire family suffered a blow to the head shortly before filming started because what else could account for their shamelessness, their complete lack of empathy or consideration, and their just absolute awfulness?

They leave the party they ruined and begin the trek back to Adelaide, where there are old friends to torment instead.

Join us next week where we see Maria possibly go into actual labour (Burberry bag at the ready, no doubt), Rachel answer some hard questions from Lorinska about what she’s done with her placenta, and other things (maybe Versace related, you just don’t know!)

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