Jo Thornely recaps Episode 3 of The Bachelor

Roses are elegant
Violets are dashing
About freakin’ time we got
Down to some pashing.

Yep. Finally in Episode 3 of The Bachelor, we get to suck face. But before we mash those particular faces together, tribute should first be paid to those most treasured of faces: the Simone vs. Leah competitive side-eye.

We open in the Bitchin’ Kitchen, where a single date card for Laura is pulled abruptly from Osher’s Dark Place.

Laura’s delighted and we’re not surprised, because if Laura’s not in your predicted wifey top three already you just haven’t been paying attention.

Matty picks Laura up on an unimpressive little boat to take her to a big, pulsating man’s boat, without any evidence whatsoever that they’re allowed inside it.

They indulge in the show’s most boring and irrelevant practice – discussing love and relationships – before landing at the front lawn of a house that they’re also not allowed inside.

Two easels are set up for a portrait-drawing exercise, a good excuse to gaze at each other quietly and repeatedly. It’s… look, it’s a bit nice.

Until they show each other their drawings.

Laura’s drawing of Matty is less about accuracy in portraiture, and more about accuracy in representing the diversity across all the contestants this year.

Whereas Matty’s drawing of Laura is… well, it’s um…

“At what point did you spend such an aggressive amount of time on my nose?” asks Laura, and instead of answering, Matty takes her off to a late-afternoon date couch to spend an aggressive amount of time on her mouth.

YEAH THAT’S RIGHT

In his post-kiss interview, Matty gushes about how obvious it is that he likes Laura. In Laura’s post-kiss interview, she just can’t wipe the smile off her face.

Back at the Womansion, a group date card sends a thrill through the girls waiting in the ‘drama cabana’ as Jen calls the outdoor setting, missing the opportunity to call it the ‘cattio’.

Twelve girls, including a healthy representation from the I-have-never-seen-you-before-in-my-life category of bachelorettes, are sent to a decorated sports oval to compete in some medieval games. Because Matty spent a couple of years in London, you see.

I guess next week’s group date will be a complex plumbing challenge because Matty once went to the toilet.

There are three games, each undertaken by four girls, the best two of which get to join Matty in a banquet afterwards. Or for those of you not great at maths: bottom six wenches are left on the benches.

For the first outrageously graceful game, Simone, Leah, Cobie and Akoulina must capture two colour-coded piglets each in order to prove the potency of their passion. Leah, being a country girl, pushes the porcine passion a little far.

The second game is an intensely feminine combination of quoits and sack racing, or for those of you more comfortable with the Austin Powers version: you have to jump in the sack and put your hole on the pole baby, yeah.

The final game is a round of medieval soccer, and Alix says she’s “just gonna close my eyes, kick a few balls, and hope for the best”. Look I know it SOUNDS like she’s talking about human testicles, but she’s not. She’s talking about Frankenstein’s testicles.

The entire range of ladyness is on display during the soccer game. You have the sporting Elora, who announces with concern “I was worried about playing physical games in this dress. It had no mobility”.

And then you have the hitherto softly-spoken Stephanie, who offers “GAME ON MOLLS!”.

The final victors convene in Ye Olde Medieval Salad Hall, where they undergo the twin English traditions of getting sh*tfaced and all sitting on one side of the dining table like they’re in a 90s sit-com.

Just like the classic 90s sit-com ‘Matty Asks A Question And Leah Lies’, Matty asks the girls if they’ve had any difficulty settling into the house, and Leah responds with “I’m very protective and maybe it’s the mother instinct in me, but I take on everybody else’s feelings as if they’re my own”.

Okay, Simone didn’t make it to the banquet, so for a response I’m just going to throw back to some side-eye from earlier:

The more buckets of wine she consumes, the more trouble Leah wants to cause, so she butts in on a one-on-one talky session between Elise (who we totally remember from before) and Matty to pretend to cry and tell him it’s in her nature to care too much.

“I come from a background of absorbing people’s problems” she says, and provided “problems” means “Riesling”, it really rings true.

“Whatever it takes to win” says Leah’s voice-over as she breaks both the fourth wall and the legal blood alcohol limit in one fell swoop.

The Rosatorium ceremony looks like a costume shop seconds sale, while Matty tries to maintain the sombre mood in the very highest pants possible.

Tensions are also high as Matty harpoons girl after girl with popularity-contest roses until only side-eye Simone and ribbon-twirling Akoulina remain.

Matty somehow senses that Simone has many more facial expressions to offer, so he sends everybody’s favourite pixie unicorn rhythmic gymnast home.

Bye, Akoulina. We’ll always remember you how we saw you first: twirling. Twirling. Forever twirling.

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