Roses are show-offs
And violets are vain;
To find your true love
Push them out of a plane.
If you’ve felt the frisson of frustration in the air today, it’s because yesterday’s cliffhanger ending has been playing uncomfortably on our minds like a trained chicken on a glockenspiel.
Here’s how the conversation went last night:
Sian: “I want to leave”.
Matty: “Okay, but can you stay until the next episode so I can make it look like my decision to chuck you out?”
Sian: “LOL sure, that sounds like fun”.
It’s up to Osher to break the Sian-departure news to the girls, mostly so Tara, our trusted mood barometer, can do this face:
Matty assures the girls that he’s not just some puppet that’s being told what to do, and admittedly he does look sincere when he says it.
But all of that doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, because you know what?
TARA GETS A SINGLE DATE.
Somewhere deep down, you knew you loved Tara, and you were RIGHT. Matty picks her up on a tandem bicycle for a relaxing cliff-top ride, and she exhibits possibly the most adorable terror of all time.
“AH! SHIT! THESE THINGS MOVE!” she exclaims during her helmeted near-death experience, as they climb a small hill amidst breathtaking ocean views.
“We’re going off-road!” shouts Matty as he leads the bike through a puddle the approximate depth of Jen’s soul.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” says Tara, instantly becoming Australia’s sweetheart.
Somewhere in the distance Florence reminds everyone that she jumped off a BUILDING yesterday.
Barely escaping plummeting six or seven inches to their death, Matty and Tara de-helmet and head towards one of the most inevitable dates in all of Bachelorhood: the cooking date.
“ARE WE COOKING?! I LOVE COOKING, MATTY!” Tara shouts right in his face, somehow avoiding being annoying.
“DO I GET TO KEEP THIS?!” she squeals as Matty puts an apron on her, and you wonder if her family needs an ambulance on standby when it’s time to unwrap presents at Christmas.
They’ve barely started kneading Matty’s pasta dough when Tara notices his arse, and honestly zero attention is paid to the food from that point on. “You should take your pants off and just wear the apron” she says between open-handed gropes, as loungeroom windows across the country steam up in agreement.
“Nice, good looking, can cook, loves a drink. Tick. We’re done. Marry me” she says to camera. You know what this means, if those are things she likes? TARA AND I CAN GET 75% MARRIED. All we need is for her and me to be gay and for the dumb stupid laws in this country to change, and at this point I honestly don’t know which is more likely.
As soon as the pair reach the traditional candle couch they eat pasta and talk about children. Matty, taken with her mature side and possibly shocked by the concept of a woman on the Bachelor willingly swallowing carbohydrates, looks at Tara the way we’ve always looked at Tara.
It’s the most genuine date chat we’ve seen so far, and Tara is so busy having absolutely no artifice or affectations that she doesn’t even hear the swelling violins indicating that she’s about the get the face pashed off her.
Tara gets a rose, because that’s the kind of thing that happens to properly great people.
Meanwhile, a group date card magically manifests at the Womansion, and it hints at something above the ground. “I don’t like heights” says Simone resolutely, hoping it’s nothing to do with being up in the air.
But it’s fine, you guys. Simone will be completely fine unless she sees a tiny blurry aeroplane in the background and a sign that says ‘SKYDIVING’.
Matty relaxes all the group date girls by reminding them that skydiving is just freefalling thousands of feet and hurtling towards the ground, and then they’re up in the air – climbing, climbing, swerving, swooping, and laughing at the hilarious pilot who switches the engine off suddenly as a funny joke. Simone LOVES it.
As the girls drop one by one out of the plane in descending, squealing tandem corkscrews, somewhere in the distance Tara reminds everyone that she rode a BICYCLE yesterday.
The plane inhabitants dwindle to just Matty, Simone, and their corresponding human flesh backpacks, and the only thing rising is Simone’s abject terror and probably a little bit of vomit.
She screams “nooooooooooo” so they hold off.
She sobs “no-ho-ho-hoooo” so they don’t jump.
She wails “nooooooooo” so they pause a moment.
Then she grows a pair of ovaries, whispers “okay” and:
She does it! It’s exciting! Everyone’s so proud! But when all is said and done, remember the important lesson we learned today: nothing seeks attention quite like legitimately thinking you’re going to die.
Simone wins some private wine time with Matty for her bravery, and their mini-date has no chance of being interesting when we’ve just watched a bunch of people jumping out of a plane. Also I was looking at an unbuttered piece of white bread earlier.
Potentially more interesting is the cocktail party, or Brunette Insecurity Symposium, where Jen wishes Nat would respect the elegance of the occasion, please. “It’s just bogan, bogan, bogan“ she whinges, dismayed that there can’t be more reverence for the sophistication of this months-long televised catfight in borrowed frocks.
To further extend the highbrow motif, Elise takes Matty fishing for Facebook profile photos in the swimming pool to make it clear to him that… um… that she brings a fishing rod to a cocktail party.
Aside from the usual arguments around who should go and speak to Matty and the producers’ adorable insistence on trying to convince us that Sharlene exists, the party is a snore, so let’s get to the pointy end of the stick figures.
THE ROSATORIUM, where true intentions and acres of flesh are exposed.
Osher enters in a roast paua-shell suit and introduces Matty, who bookies are giving two to one odds on actually staying until the end of the episode tonight. He slingshots roses at the girls one by one through pick-me faces and cello crescendos until only Constable Michelle and I-Turned-Straight-For-You Nat remain.
Come on. This is The Bachelor. There’s no place for brunettes with personality and fluid sexuality, so Matty sends Nat home, for the very reason we love her so much.