Leah reveals her topless waitressing past to Matty J

Roses are red

And so is a blister

To pick out the strippers

Just send in your sister.

If you’re like me and Matty J, you’ll know that swimming laps is a great opportunity to think.

I think about Tom Hardy in a light mist, and Matty thinks about how he can use his sister Kate to find out what the true definition of “party planner” is.

But first, sister Kate must justify her presence by delivering a date card, and acknowledge that she bears more than a passing resemblance to the first girl her brother gave a rose to, Constable Michelle.

For today’s single date with Alix, Matty explains that he used to do a lot of wakeboarding when he was a kid. He and Alix clearly also spent a lot of time reading Sartre’s love letters to Simone de Beauvoir as they quote directly from them while they watch that global symbol of romance: a demonstration wakeboarder.

“That is epic” quips Matty J, looking deep into Alix’s eyes.

“That is pretty sick” agrees Alix, her heart fluttering like a sparrow trapped in a pillow case.

The two proceed to write the recipe for a successful date sandwich. Take a slice of inappropriate touching:

Fill with an extremely flexible bet, several attempts, and eventual sunset victory:

And top with another slice of inappropriate touching.

Despite having all the hallmarks of a successful date – rose included – it lacks zing. You know your date’s in trouble when the most exciting thing about it is the bit where you accidentally smack yourself in the face with a wine glass. To add insult to injury, Alix keeps focussing on the fact that Matty’s dating thirteen other girls. Weirdo. Who cares about the truth when we could be somewhere taking the express train to B*tchville?

It all starts quite innocently, as Kate speaks to Leah first and discovers she’s an architecture student and a ‘party planner’. None of the other girls are shown telling us what they do for a living, but from what follows we can assume they are all proficient knife-sharpeners.

“Party planner is a very loose term and covers a lot of different types of parties” says Elise, unfamiliar so far with the type of party that includes going on a date with Matty.

“I wouldn’t want my brother to end up with her… rumour has it that she’s a naked party planner” offers Florence, preferring the much more socially acceptable career of backpacking.

“There’s rumours that she could be some kind of exotic dancer” says Elora, who entered this competition on the first night literally exotic dancing.

It’s hard to tell if Kate is more shocked by Leah’s ‘secret’ career or at the other girls’ lightning-quick willingness to throw their associate under the sl*tty bus purely based on what she does for a living.

Regardless, we move on to the group date, which the show’s party planners have decided is in a childcare centre. This episode is so progressive it has both sl*t-shaming AND mother-testing – surely the best value in the reality TV supermarket this week.

Upon realising she’s on a group date with a bunch of five-year-olds and also some children, Leah tells us that “Once they stop shitting themselves, I’m in” which I have to admit is a bloody good dating policy.

In a sentence more likely than any other to inspire a Michael Bay movie, the girls must compete to win the affections of the children so they can spend the rest of the afternoon making a volcano.

It’s a room where the normal rules of society do not exist: Laura is distinctly unpopular, with a child preferring the hugs of the cold cement wall to hers.

On the flip side, Leah and Jen are universally popular. “There’s not a child I’ve met who has run away screaming” announces Jen, in stark contrast to most thinking adults.

It’s a great place for Kate to quiz Leah further about her party planning - in a room where the largest chair can be worn as a shoe.

Still, here interrogation skills are impressive:

Kate: Do you organise nudie parties?

Leah: Yes.

Kate: Have you been nude at a party?

Leah: Yes.

Kate: Would you tell Matty that?

Leah: Yes.

See, the trick is to ask direct questions that your subject is utterly willing to answer honestly.

That said, Leah is so incensed that other girls have been bad-mouthing her behind her back that she warrants the first double-mouth-blur of the series.

Fascinatingly, Leah implies that there are other girls present with the same occupation, but is hesitant to admi- SIMONE IT’S SIMONE YOU GUYS.

I wouldn’t say the sh*t’s about to hit the fan, but the lava’s definitely about to dribble off onto the floor.

Matty picks Laura for some alone time based on the fact that she eventually got one child to stop hating her, causing Leah to moan “The kids didn’t want her! How is it that kids have better intuition than Matty does?” I’m reluctant to admit it, but that is a tops sick burn.

Matty and Laura go on a river boat in the rain with champagne and talk about kids and kiss like two pythons swallowing the same goat and UGH, love is boring.

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Obviously after the drama of the day there’s exactly zero chance there’s not going to be a strong whiff of barney in the air between now and rose-flinging time, so let’s just summarise with a photo essay:

That done, we FINALLY get to the rose ceremony, where all the girls line up ready to prove their worth and hear their fate.

Except instead of “rose ceremony”, it’s “driveway”.

And instead of “all the girls” it’s “Leah”.

And instead of “prove their worth” it’s “be argumentative, make excuses for being a mean girl and tell Matty he’s making a mountain out of a mo-hill’” because that’s totally a thing.

So instead of “hear their fate”, it’s “BYE FELICIA”.

Leah wishes Matty luck in cutting through all the fake bullsh*t.

Babe.

He just did.

You can follow Jo Thornely on Twitter for some more brilliant Bachelor commentary.

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