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Matty J's most BRUTAL move on The Bachelor yet

Roses are red
And violets are blue,
But mountin’ in mountains
Is probably taboo.

WELL.

After last night’s epic moral minefield, let’s take a break from slut-shaming and toddlers and head out to a mountain getaway on a single date. Elora – you know her, the exotic dancer who gossips about other exotic dancers – is the lucky girl to get a first second date, which the other girls all think is fanTAStic.

Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaat. Source: Channel 10
Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaat. Source: Channel 10

“I’m absolutely disgusted” says Jen, weirdly not talking about Pauline Hanson wearing a burqa in parliament. “You’re taking Elora, scum of the earth, on a second date?”

From there on in it gets reasonably vicious, with Jen – you know her, the elegant woman who likes to keep things elegant – mentioning that she could rip Elora’s hair out and would be fine if Matty pushed her off a cliff.

Meanwhile, Sharlene laments “He thinks I’m catering”, as Australia whispers “we… we sort of do too”.

Although in this light you do look familiar. Source: Channel 10
Although in this light you do look familiar. Source: Channel 10

Without further ado except to acknowledge that the producers gaffer-taped a camera to a drone, let’s head to an inoffensive puddle in the Blue Mountains.

Hey wow the exotic dancers look like ants from up here. Source: Channel 10
Hey wow the exotic dancers look like ants from up here. Source: Channel 10

It’s the classic tale: boy meets girl. Boy and girl have very little to say beyond “this is nice”. Boy and girl inflate a giant swan, enabling countless “blow job” jokes.

Mind your teeth. Source: Channel 10
Mind your teeth. Source: Channel 10

Boy and girl take their twin fit rigs out onto the water where they surprise nobody by pashing on.

Do you mind if my mate watches. Source: Channel 10
Do you mind if my mate watches. Source: Channel 10

Boy and girl move it to a date couch and a crackling fire where they continue to talk about literally nothing and just stare at each other. Girl can’t leave her hair alone for five minutes. Boy kisses girl. Boy reveals that he’s organised, completely spontaneously and without anyone’s help, for them to stay the night in separate cabins. Boy and girl mash face on the doorstep. Girl not known for metaphor asks boy in and says her door’s open. Boy hesitates.

VIOLINS SWELL.

OTHER THINGS SWELL.

AUSTRALIA HOLDS ITS BREATH.

AUSTRALIA HOLDS ITS OTHER THINGS.

And then…

Then...

OH GODDAMMIT! Source: Channel 10
OH GODDAMMIT! Source: Channel 10

After about eight cold showers, morning breaks and the rest of the girls are on the way to the mountains in a mini van, wondering amongst themselves if Matty and Elora totally like done it.

Osher announces to them, under the vague guise of compatibility testing that justifies the cost of prop rental, that they’ll be participating in the inaugural Bachelor Bush Race of 2017.

This is it. It’s finally here. It’s literally bush week.

QUICK, run towards the manufactured jeopardy. Source: Channel 10
QUICK, run towards the manufactured jeopardy. Source: Channel 10

Everyone must run cross-country until they get to strategically-placed little polling booths, each containing a question about life. If your answer matches his answer, you take a little heart from the booth and run to the next one. If you fail, you take an egg-timer and sit out a one-minute penalty.

It’s… oh, what’s the word they use in high-end university based psychological testing…. It’s stupid.

Completely undoctored screenshot.
Completely undoctored screenshot.

The clear front-runners due to good guesses and supernatural fitness are Florence and Elora, and with the pressure of twelve girls all wanting to stab Elora rather than give her the alone-time-with-Matty prize, Florence takes the only option available to her.

She cheats the ever-loving sh*t out of it.

In Holland, cheating is a delicacy. Source: Channel 10
In Holland, cheating is a delicacy. Source: Channel 10

During the resulting couch time with Matty, Flo ‘fesses up about the fact that she cheats at compatibility games, Monopoly, and every other single game in the entire world, and he hesitantly but good-naturedly laughs it off.

So for those of you keeping score:

Once being a stripper but not telling Matty: BAD

Once being a stripper but crying when you tell Matty: TOLERABLE

Openly flouting the clearly-stated rules: WHEEE LET’S HAVE SOME WINE

“I like how honest you are” says Matty to Flo, moments after she’s given him an itemised list of how dishonest she is. But all’s fair in love and hot Dutch women, so he throws a rose and a kiss into the deal.

Florence, will you accept this reward for treachery. Source: Channel 10
Florence, will you accept this reward for treachery. Source: Channel 10

Aaaaand we’ve reached the point where Matty’s kissing pretty much everyone and therefore rendering all kisses meaningless. Nothing for it but to drag ourselves through the cocktail party and see what catering has in store for us.

“I’M NOT CATERING!” announces Sharlene to Matty when she finally corners him for a chat, not really convincing anyone.

If she doesn’t get there in thirty minutes, she’s free. Source: Channel 10
If she doesn’t get there in thirty minutes, she’s free. Source: Channel 10

Alas, Matty is easily capable of deciding whether or not he likes a caterer just by not knowing who they are and and not spending any time with them. Matty fires the caterer, just when they had a special on the word “thanks” over and over again.

Thanks for ordering the extra garlic bread. Source: Channel 10
Thanks for ordering the extra garlic bread. Source: Channel 10

Sharlene heads back to the girls to tell them she’s resigned. “Oh my god, poor Matty” emotes Cobie, who knows how tough it can be when you have to let staff go.

“I mean, he’s not into pugs. He doesn’t train in martial arts. He doesn’t like musical theatre” says Sharlene in her exit interview, explaining that she’s in a production every season. She proudly steps into the limousine and drives off to the dress rehearsal for A Street Pug Named Jackie Chan.

While the remaining girls gather in the Rosatorium, Matty has a long, hard, throbbing think about what he’s going to do next.

By the time Osher, resplendent in a knitted iron suit, tells the ladies that two more of them will kick dirt before the candles burn out, there’s an impending sense of doom.

“I don’t want to waste anybody’s time” says Matty, the guy who takes a full month to ask someone on a second date and twenty minutes to distribute ten roses. He continues to not waste time until only blondes Lisa, Steph, and Alix are left.

Does he not like pale fabrics or something? Source: Channel 10
Does he not like pale fabrics or something? Source: Channel 10

Trumpets blare, molars grind, and thighs chafe until Matty eventually sends Steph and Alix packing.

Bye, girls – we’ll miss you. You were great at not being strippers.

You can follow Jo Thornely on Twitter for some more brilliant Bachelor commentary.

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