Camels, a cook-off and awful belly dancing on The Bachelor

Roses are red,

And violets are dreamy

Is that a real snake

Or are you pleased to see me?

So here we are somewhere around the middle – most of the crazies have gone and we’re trying to figure out who we have feelings for, but we’re not yet at that tiresome bit where we have to pretend we’re interested in meeting peoples’ parents.

Oh.

Oh well, if we’re going to jump the gun/shark and pull the parents out early, we might as well have a classic reality TV emotional reaction that also works as a bar graph of whose reaction is the most believable:

The deal is that each girl must cook a course of lunch with their parent from a family recipe, and Matty will judge from the meal which girl he’ll sit with later on a couch, his hand resting gently but ambiguously on their leg.

BUT IT’S A RUSE.

Matty doesn’t care how they COOK, you see. He wants to carefully watch the young ladies interact with their parent and then see which parent he’s the most terrified of.

“I’M THE BEST COOK IN THE HOUSE!” shouts Jen at anyone who will listen, so presumably just her mother and the sound guy. She continues to critique other dishes with words like “horrible” and other girls with words like “duds”.

Elise and her dad cook tuna or possibly chicken, Simone and her mum giggle the shells off some prawns, Cobie and her dad walk briefly through the kitchen, and Jen and her mum finish with ‘deconstructed banoffee’, which is coincidentally also my stripper name.

It’s anyone’s game, unless you’ve been watching, in which case you know the outcome because you’ve seen the face Elise’s dad makes when he discovers his daughter hasn’t had a single date yet.

Phil insists that Matty either lets Elise know he likes her or cuts her loose, advice that seems simple but escapes most people of all genders because yaaaaay, humans are garbage.

It works, Elise gets the Matty-time prize, and we get to see two very clear human emotions.

Glee:

And ‘sleep with one eye open, bitch’.

The resulting couch mini-date has everything a father could want for his daughter in a date: endless talking, a rose, and an awkward, passionless kiss on the cheek.

What we need after this snooze-fest is something ridiculous. Something unusual. Something that sounds like a long, low fart as it comes up the driveway.

With the helicopter budget low this year, Matty comes to pick up Tara for a single date on a ship of the desert, which delights and terrifies Tara in equal measure and sends the internet into a frenzied search for ‘hump’ puns. I only really have two things to say.

The first is TARA YOU ARE A GENUINE DELIGHT AND WE LOVE YOU.

And the second is: if you’re going to show footage of two people riding a camel, make sure you get the camel in shot.

All this is at its core is an increasingly bizarre date punctuated by Tara’s utterly enchanting commentary and addictive screech-giggle.

“Is Ginger’s outfit a Camilla?” questions Tara as they ride the afore-named camel up the street.

“I LOVE TEA!” shouts Tara as Matty serves her an array of Moroccan teas in a Bedouin tent in the middle of a wet field.

“MY NAME STARTS WITH T!” she adds.

“Don’t they strangle people?” asks Tara as a belly-dancer enters the tent wrapped in a snake.

Matty and Tara are treated to a belly-dancing lesson. Tara accompanies her impressive shimmying with absolutely sh*tting herself laughing, while Matty looks like he might literally be sh*tting himself, but with quite good spirit fingers.

They sit. They pash. And even though Tara is too good for Matty because she is too good for all humans, she accepts a rose from him and invites him to put up with her forever. Look, all I’m saying is that if Matty hurts Tara, Australia will walk through the streets with garden shears baying for his gonads. It’s pretty simple.

Speaking of disenfranchised gonads, let’s see what Jen’s up to!

Aw, she’s telling Michelle that it’s weird she hasn’t had a single date because she’s the BEST COOK IN THE HOUSE! and because she’s so strong and intimidating.

She’s showing Matty that she’s the BEST COOK IN THE HOUSE! by presenting him with a smorgasbord of her favourite desserts at the cocktail party. Guys, she was in the kitchen ALL DAY. She was so busy she forgot half of her dress and all of her underwear.

She’s telling the camera that she’s an awesome chick, a bit of a catch, and the BEST COOK IN THE HOUSE!

She’s showing Matty her vulnerable side by using crafty phrases like “this is my vulnerable side”.

She’s sucking in her cheeks and trying to figure out what that smell in the Rosatorium is.

The last third of the episode is so Jen-focussed that we barely notice Osher in his char-grilled ball-bearing suit ushering Matty onto the elimination dais, or Matty flinging rose darts at girls one by one until only Constable Michelle and Exotic Elora are left.

Come ON. This is like comparing apples and oranges. Chalk and cheese. Overnight hella-pash date and absolutely no dates. We know it. Matty knows it. Elora knows it.

Constable Michelle leaves, and Matty realises that he’s about to get a speeding ticket every week for the rest of his life.

Bye, Michelle. We’ll miss the way you… waited. A lot.

You can follow Jo Thornely on Twitter for some more brilliant Bachelor commentary.

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