The boys compete in Sophie's 'Real Man Games'

The talented and hilariously entertaining Jo Thornely is back with her latest recap of The Bachelorette.

Roses are red,
And fire is hot.
We say yes to a wardrobe,
But no to a pot.

One of things that makes The Bachelorette different to The Bachelor is the distinctly penile flavour of a lot of the euphemisms, never made more clear than when Osher arrives at the Bro Ghetto and says “I’m afraid I’m not going to whip anything out of my trousers today”. That Osher. Such a wag.

Another difference is the number of gender-stereotyping tyre-changing challenges that occur. Sophie tells the gathered blokes that she’s looking for “a real man that can do manly things like fix things, fences, all that stuff”. It’s almost an affront to the sort-of-Rosie-the-Riveter outfit Sophie’s wearing.

Osher announces the inaugural ‘Bachelorette Real Man Game’ to a bunch of guys on a reality show in a mansion decorated with candles, flowers, and frilly curtains.

From this point forward if you’re playing the inaugural ‘Take A Drink Every Time Anyone Says Man’ drinking game, best to just pump your stomach now. On the other hand, if you’re playing ‘Take A Drink Every Time Jarrod Looks Relaxed’, you’ll be fine, don’t even open the bottle.

Part One: Plank You For Being A Friend

After a quick warm-up in which we GET it, PLANK rhymes with WANK, the boys line up to see who can keep themselves stiff the longest.

“If you get out early don’t worry, it just means you’re a bit of a girl” says Sophie, making getting out early sound excellent because hello, girls are amazing.

Unbelievably Apollo, whose arms are bigger than most Sydney apartments, doesn’t win the plank-off, but Mack – flying in the face of all who say singer-songwriters don’t have core strength – kills it with a seven-minute plank.

Part Two: Your Love Keeps Lifting Me Tyre And Tyre

“Any real man worth his salt knows how to change a tyre” says Osher, announcing a tyre-changing challenge and biding his time before making a joke about nuts.

My certain future boyfriend James is Grand-Prix-pit levels of excellent, Luke is surprisingly inept, Ryan is adequately competent, and Jarrod has changed tyres in a warzone and MUST WIN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES and goes like the desperation-fuelled clappers. But to no avail. The team of short guys – Ryan, Mack, James and (looks up name on The Bachelorette website) Harry – win the challenge.

I said they WIN THE CHALLENGE, JARROD. You can… you can stop changing the tyre, dude.

Jarrod?

Come on, mate. Keeping going at this point is like a comb-over – it doesn’t make you look better, just like you’re trying too hard.

“It was important for Sophie to see that I didn’t spit the dummy, and I did behave as a man” says Jarrod, panting. Honey, what Sophie just saw is a guy who doesn’t know when things are over, which admittedly isn’t a real shock to anyone about you.

Part Three: IKEA True Colours, And That’s Why I Love You

For the third challenge, the lads must construct a totally-not-IKEA-because-they’re-not-one-of-our-official-sponsors flatpack wardrobe. For appealingly back-lit James, flatpack furniture is like exciting adult Meccano, because he is perfect.

For Kiwi robot and professional carpenter Ryan, flatpack furniture is a “nightmeer”, and he finishes by violently hammering the crap out of his wardrobe.

Sophie calls Ryan a ‘cranky pants’ which is uncomfortably close to the phrase ‘boys will be boys’, but we’ll just leave that for now. Cautiously, without pissing him off.
And Finally Part Four: Come On Barbie, Let’s Go Party.

We’re down to Mack and James for the final challenge, but for some reason we’re still listening to Jarrod.

“I didn’t expect Mack to be there. I expected myself to be there or someone else more manly” he tells us, not realising how manly patience, reading the instructions, and not being uptight can be.

The very excellent men must use a flint to make a fire big enough to burn through a rope that supports a comical loveheart on a fulcrum, a fire skill utterly wasted if there are no sausages involved.

And what’s a party without sausages, I say.

“Can we step away? I’m highly flammable” says Sophie, referring to either the fire or Jimmy’s undeniable hotness.

There’s no contest. Two quick flicks of the wrist and James’s fire blazes through the rope. James is the manliest man, because James is a smart and humble and calm man, and those guys Get. Sh*t. Done.

In the resulting couch time, James pops a blankie on Sophie, pours her a wine, relaxes and asks her questions about herself. Y’know. Real man stuff.

Sophie’s super-impressed at someone who’s good at everything except arrogance, and gives James a rose because she’s not allowed to just flat-out propose yet.

Look there’s no kiss, and that’s a problem. But James says there was definitely a spark.

The next morning, with no fanfare of date card, Sophie drops by the house to ask Sam on a date, presumably to shut him up about the Double Delight rose.
Relieved, the other guys try to tidy his hair, but it’s no use.

They drive for hours to a kitchen, because they don’t have any of those in the metropolitan area. It’s time for one of the house’s most overrated bachelors to cook easily the world’s most overrated dessert: red velvet cupcakes.

And make no mistake: Sophie and Sam are terrible at making red velvet cupcakes. Sophie admits that her aim is to try to see if there’s anything to Sam other than just having fun all the time, and does so by putting them in the least fun situation possible. Some guys get highwires and some guys get sumo surfing, but Sam gets… well, housework.

They sit and have soph-a cocktails and a chat by the fire, but it’s not really any better. “I know I inject magic into the day” Sam assures Sophie. I guess… I guess he just doesn’t mean THIS day. Still, she gives him a rose because he makes her feel “so comfortable the whole time”.

Except, yeah. Except the time he shouted out loud that he could see your cans.

Later at the cocktail party, Apollo demonstrates what actual charm looks like and shows Sophie a magic trick involving a fork. Actually, many tricks with a fork. This guy could probably fork all night.

He says it’s one of his first times using magic to get a girl’s attention. That, I would bet money, is a goddamn lie.

By contrast, Jarrod has brought two pots of dirt to the party and invites Sophie to plant violas with him as a demonstration of how love can grow. He’s even named Sophie’s pot, exactly the same way someone without a shrine to you at home in their spare room doesn’t.

“What if it dies?” asks Sophie, having none of this love metaphor crap.

“That depends on how you care for it” he responds, adding “This is something that my mum likes to do with me” for good measure.

Hey, you know that face James Caan makes in ‘Misery’ the moment he realises Kathy Bates is a psychotic fan and not just a kind stranger?

After that we need to do something pure, something cleansing. We need to get rid of someone we haven’t formed any attachment to.

Bye, Bingham. You filled your role as ‘supporting cast’ well.