Sabotage, shenanigans and Stu's kiss fail

The talented and hilariously entertaining Jo Thornely is back with her latest recap of The Bachelorette.

Roses are red
But your pot plant is dying
So let’s put on our onesies
And all take turns crying.

Here we are again coincidentally all sitting in the same room of a multi-room mansion, speculating over the object of a single date card recently yoinked from Osher’s Dark Place. Of the original blokes, only Mack and Blake haven’t had dates yet, so they’re of course excited when the card has Intruder Stu’s name on it.

While Sophie choofs towards the waiting Stu on a big boat she doesn’t have the cabin keys to, we watch a montage of Stu’s history on the show – the full two minutes of him walking from a helicopter to a metre away from the helicopter – while Sophie’s voice-over tells the story of how they met.

“I first met Stu a year ago and he invited me on his boat, but I thought it was like a massive party thing and I’m not much of a socialite so I said no. I didn’t realise he actually asked me on a date, so technically I stood him up” she says, pretending she’s on How I Met Your Millionaire Publican.

Look, the date’s fine. It’s fine.

Mind you, you know how they always play that music full of swelling violins whenever there’s a kiss? Things don’t look great at this stage, as the orchestra’s royalties are currently being paid by dolphins off the port deck.

To try and steer the conversation away from counting family members, comparing work schedules, and aquatic mammals, Soph suggests a spot of golf off the bow and proposes a wager – if Stu gets a hole in five, he gets to kiss her. But no dice. The orchestra’s on a break and Stu misses. “You were nowhere near the hole” comments Sophie, correctly.

But enough of the bogeys from the boat. When night falls, Stu’s intent on telling Sophie how he really feels, just in case she doesn’t get a hint every time like he stares at her like a cartoon cat at a fish skeleton. He takes his chance on a lacklustre couch surrounded by a measly four candles, summons his courage, and begins his speech.

“I’m here”, he says. “I deadset am”.

“’kay” responds Sophie, unable to look at him in a suddenly weird moment.

Still, as the storyline back at the Bromansion goes, the other guys think of Stu as a threat, so I guess Sophie had better kiss him so we think that too. In another oddly uncomfortable turn of events, Stu treats the kissing like a housemate during an episode of Game Of Thrones and talks the whole way through it.

The next morning, Sophie reveals that all this glitz and glamour isn’t the real her, and she just wants to sit on the couch at home like a normal person with nine boyfriends. She’s decided that tonight, the ten of them will have a night in making Mexican food, playing games, and dressing like dickheads.

Jarrod takes charge of the cooking, telling the whole room including a professional chef a couple of culinary secrets like “lemons have seeds”.

“Straight away I want to do the cooking, because I enjoy it and I get to cook for Sophie” says Jarrod. “I’d do anything for Sophie” he adds, obviously excluding relaxing or being quiet.

Sixteen Mexican dinner kit product placements later, dinner’s ready and it’s time to chill and have a laugh. The boys are so busy making jokes and enjoying each other’s company that they don’t even acknowledge the elephant in the room. Or more accurately, the super-intense giraffe in the room.

Jarrod’s disgusted by the ambient juvenile hedonism, whining to camera that Sophie – the woman who insisted everyone wear onesies in the first place – would prefer an adult conversation over all this unfettered, revolting fun.

Because she likes adult conversation, Sophie suggests a party game – the lads can fill her bowl with anonymous questions and they’ll be answered.

The first question, ‘Who is the most into Sophie’ reveals the surprise answer of Mack, who admits he has a massive crush on her. It seems genuinely sweet, and I’m certain that won’t change and become mildly creepy at any stage.

There are questions about who the biggest threat is and who thinks they’re going to get their heart broken, both of which are answered by the guys in a considerably adult fashion.

And then.

The inevitable question: Who sabotaged Jarrod’s pot plant?

Things spiral drastically childward as fingers are pointed, voices are raised, and there’s a distinct odour of ammonia and horticultural failure. There’s nothing for it but to hitch our wagon to these heightened emotions and ride them all the way to childhood tanty-town.

“I’ve arranged for your family to send something that’s important to you from your childhood” announces Sophie, still showing zero signs of wanting an adult conversation.

Look, it’s a bit nice.

James gets all perfect and shiny-eyed when his old teddy bear appears.

AJ is impressed that his mother still has his sports trophies.

Apollo shouts “Barley bunny!” with glee when his toy rabbit emerges.

And Jarrod, who hears a mild giggle while he’s well into his second hour of a story about his blankie, shouts “SHUT UP! MAN! SUCH LOSERS!” He tells us that this is the time for the others to just SHUT your mouth, SIT there, and LISTEN, in much the same was as people holding adult conversations don’t.

Everyone’s emotional. Everyone misses their families. Everyone has a story to tell. Sure, Jarrod’s the only one who is so overcome that he has to leave the room in tears and be comforted by Sophie, but if this show has taught us anything, it’s that Jarrod’s an emotional guy.

Blake is less forgiving, announcing that blankies are dumb and Jarrod’s just bunging on the waterworks for attention. Mate, admittedly Jarrod does literally everything else for attention, but this seems pretty sincere. And for the record, BLANKIES ARE NOT DUMB, SHUT UP.

So she can find out more about him, Sophie takes Mack aside for a chat, but he doesn’t handle it well, sitting alone with his all-time goddess idol. “It’s hard for me” he tells her, growing suddenly serious.

Mack basically spends his one-on-one time reciting the Sophie Monk Fan Club Manifesto aloud, and it’s fair to say she’s not one hundred percent into it.

It’s time to leave all this onesie business and head to the Rosatorium, where our suitors continue to all shop from the same store.

Osher arrives in a singed bluebottle suit, drops the bomb that two bros will be leaving tonight, and introduces Sophie, whose dress is held on by witchcraft.

She lobs binky roses at the gents one by one until only Luke Clooney, Fan Club Mack, and I Can See Your Cans Sam remain. I’m not gonna lie, this is exciting. Loungerooms across the country have people shouting names at the screen, certain they’re right.

They’re not right. Sam is safe. He and the aforementioned loungerooms all make the same face at once.

Bye, Luke. Bye, Mack. One of you just made some bookies very angry. The other one… yeah, not so much.

RELATED: Undie-throwing, tears and dance-offs all for Sophie Monk
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