Jake gets caught up in a whole lot of lies on Bachelor In Paradise

So. Where did we leave off from last night on Bachie In Paradise? Oh, that’s right. With Megan and Jake playing a good ol’ game of tonsil tennis.

Score is pending at love, love right now. Get it? Okay. Moving swiftly on.

As the pair enter, right on cue Florence offers up some major side-eye. But listen up everyone, she’s not jealous at all… in the slightest.

A big question mark on everyone else’s minds, because they’re all “just wondering” what is Megan doing here? Is she for the girls? Or the guys? Because, you know, it’s not like we’re in the 21st century and don’t need to put people in stereotypical societal boxes anymore. Not at all.

Taking it on the chin, Megan is a good sport simply saying she likes both girls and guys, because shock bloody horror that is possible.

But mate, wait. Flo would take Megan over all the guys in Paradise. Yeah mate, sure mate, sure.

Again, reiterating she’s not jealous AT ALL of Jake’s date with Megan. AT ALL.

And doesn’t give a “f*ck” if he talks to her or not. Cue Jake coming to chat to Flo and her eyes lighting up.

Again, everyone. SHE IS NOT JEALOUS OR ANNOYED.

The doesn’t-care-at-all-who-Jake-goes-for Flo subtly notices a bit of makeup on Jake’s shirt. If that doesn’t scream, “I’m not jealous” then I don’t know what does.

According to Jake it was “just a hug”. Yeah, mate that’s how I hug all my friends too.

And Flo being the great investigator she is and taking Jake for his word believes “they didn’t kiss”. Moving swiftly, swiftly on.

However, all I can think while this conversation is going on is that Jake reminds me of someone very familiar:

Anyone else?

Now we move onto a new day and another love triangle between Keira, Jarrod and Ali. Love triangles in reality TV shows really are so unheard of. And we get two on Bachelor In Paradise?! Oh the joys…

Anyone else having flashbacks to Jarrod’s Sophie Monk pot plant era, though? Do we all reckon Jarrod has a type? Nah, actually not at all.

Let’s cut to the chase. Keira loves Jarrod. End of.

Now, how about Ali? She's in the more playing-the-field mindset. Fair dos, girl.

And what about Jarrod. He’s bloody LOVING it. Bring on the new cool, calm and collected stud, brilliant-with-the-ladies Jarrod. Goodbye pot plants.

Back to the other Florence-Jake-Megan love triangle. Jake is struggling. Poor thing. The “freight train” of drama that unfolded following his date and “hug” with Megan. Apparently he’s been as open as he can with Flo about everything. For sure mate, for sure.

Well Jakey-boi, guess what? PEOPLE TALK. And ya gurl Flo, finds out about you kissing Megan and you can bet your ass off she’s not happy about it.

Heading back to our other love triangle, sort of. Throwing another spanner into the works we hear Mack is having doubts about Leah’s feelings for him, and has Ali on his mind. YA WHAT. Ali thinks Jarrod is a “nice guy” but has “no romantic feelings for him.” Ouch. She actually fancies Michael. So that means she’s going for the same guys as Keira? This is getting confusing.

But just as Ali tells Leah and Laurina she’s not sure on her romantic feelings for Jarrod he comes and asks her on his single date. Awks. And Keira sees it all happening. Double awks.

Just to add another person into the mix, Michael also admits he likes Ali. Let’s just take a moment to appreciate how simple life was on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette when there’s one guy or one girl to go for. Oh, for the simpler times.

Moving onto Jarrod and Ali’s date. They dance to some traditional Fijian music and Ali’s not really that impressed with Jarrod’s thrusting of the hips. But he’s certain he picked the right person. Perhaps not.

To make matters more confusing back on the beach, Leah confesses to Mack she wouldn’t mind pashing on with Michael. GOOD LORD. And obvs that doesn’t please Mack in the slightest bit. Basically, she wants to play the field and he wants to pash her. Right-o.

The not-jealous-at-all Florence, Gareth Gates lookalike Jake and totally chill Megan love triangle is once again the centre of conversation. Jake didn’t come here for any drama appaz and Megan soaks up every word of it. And Flo, as you’d expect is fuming. But old mate barman is there to offer his two cents. What a cutie.

“We live with the consequences of the decisions we make, you know. At the moment you’re living that, but you’re stronger than that,” old mate tells Florence.

Can he give her a rose instead?

Ali and Jarrod continue on with their date and it seems things between the pair have been brought to new temperatures. Literally. Look at the sweat dripping of poor Jarrod’s pink face looking at Ali like a love-struck puppy, while at the same time insisting he doesn’t want to “rush into things”. Yeah right, you would totes pash her if she went in for it.

Something appears to be rising in the winds. Hurricane Florence is about to implode because, according to what hating-all-the-drama-and-never-causes-it Jake told Megan, he and Florence are just “friends”.

SOUND THE ALARM. What happens? Florence pours throws champers on Jake. What a waste.

But as Ali and Jarrod return from their no-pashing-taking-things-slow date, the handsome as ever Osher enters. And you know what that means? Roooooose tiiiiiime. DUN DUN DUN. Now the panic for everyone sets in.

Rethinking chucking champers in Jake’s face, Flo? Thought so.

However, following champagne-gate Flo and Jake go off for yet another chat at the cocktail party and yet again Jakey-boi spurts absolute bull to Flo. And YET AGAIN, Flo falls for it.

In-demand Ali arrives at the cocktail party and it’s clear she is definitely safe. The new playing-it-cool Jarrod goes straight to Ali to make sure she knows she looks amazing. The same words are pretty much repeated by every other guy on the island.

She’s then whisked away for a chat by Michael who makes it clear he’s very, very keen. And then Mack does the same, sort of. It appears the poor bloke is suffering from a severe case of word vomit as he chats to Ali. But he reckons it’s because of his comedy skills. Yep, totally.

Then Jarrod out of “courtesy” to Keira tells her he’s choosing Ali, which of course leaves her in tears. Pool girl, chin up. Oh, how the tables have turned in such little time.

Dramatic music, boys on one side, girls on the other, everyone looks like they’ve got a stick up somewhere uncomfortable. It only means one thing. ROSE CEREMONY, LINE UP.

And, oh boy, does it get off to a dramatic start. Comedian Mack chooses Ali. WHAT. Ali’s shocked, Leah’s p*ssed, Jarrod’s bloody gutted, Mike too.

So, Jarrod’s up. He’s just sent Keira off in tears what’s he’s going to do now? Well, duh, he picks Keira but she is not happy being second choice. Too right she shouldn’t be happy.

Eden picks Nina, Luke picks Lisa. Meanwhile, Michael has no clue he’s going to pick now. Jake tells him to pick Flo. Seriously? Please insert a face palm emoji here.

Blake then chooses Lenora. Wait, sorry. Who, where, what now? You mean, Laurina?! He’s spent the last three days with this girl and he doesn’t know her name. Wow. Just wow. Please insert another face palm emoji here.

Sam chooses Tara, of course. Michael is next up and has just been begged by hates-the-drama Jake to pick Flo. And does he?

Of course bloody not. Sort your own messes out Jake mate.

And now it’s time for Gareth, I mean, Jake to take his pick. Drum roll…

It’s Megan. Leaving Florence out in the dust.

Bye, Flo. Sorry Jake effed you over, but then again it didn’t surprise us either.

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