Tensions are through the roof on Bachelor In Paradise

HOLY HECK YOU GUYS, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! I mean, this is a recap so I’m about to tell you, but WHAT THE HECK?!

We start with the gang adjusting to Laurina/Lenora’s sudden departure as the affirmations aficionado called quits on Paradise.

You do you matey, and on behalf of all women cheers for getting Canadian cyborg Daniel booted off the show.

But the next Rose Ceremony isn’t far from anyone’s minds. Some of the wholesome couplings are feeling safe, but Keira and Jarrod have yet another dramatic spat. How many times does one person need to be broken up with before it gets embarrassing?

They call it quits and engage in the most performative high-five in the history of faux chillness, and decide to slither around the island as two singletons.

A date card is dropped, and after remaining 100% dateless on her season with Matty J, today Simone finally gets a chance at canoodling.

She chooses Jarrod, potentially because he was bobbing around making loud noises and was impossible to miss in a crowd.

Keira pulls the classic ‘ha ha I don’t even care, you can tell by how much I don’t care by how often I keep telling you ha ha’ while sporting a rather constricting-looking fishing net.

Sidenote: when Jarrod said Simone looks like his ex, was he referring to Sophie Monk? Can he technically call Sophie an ‘ex’? Were they really together?

All these questions will remain unanswered and haunt me in my tomb. Anyway, Simone and Jarrod go yoga paddle-boarding!

Yoga is cool and paddle-boarding is cool but put those things together and it’s just the dumbest activity ever, I’m sorry, it is.

For some reason they have a lot of fun doing deliberately awkward poses, possibly because it’s been so long since either of them have felt the touch of another human being.

They later get to put on some human clothes have a cute smooch which is incredibly zoomed in on by a frisky cameraman, just as all first kisses should be.

Meanwhile, SCANDAL ALERT! Michael reveals that he fancies Lisa, even though she’s in one of the most wholesome couplings with Luke. And Eden reveals his pants are tight for Elora, poetically describing her as ‘exotic’ and her body as having ‘meat’.

A modern Shakespearean sonnet! Will these two horned up blokes create some love triangles?

Osher performs his signature move of popping out of a hedge to make an announcement, declaring a Rose Ceremony will be tonight, with the lads handing out flowers.

Everyone starts sweating (OK, they were already sweating) and Keira’s feeling unsafe, which she shows by transforming herself into a moderately terrifying disco ball.

Jarrod declares he is ‘the new Jarrod’ which looks surprisingly similar to the old Jarrod in that he is crimson-faced and obsessed with a pretty blonde.

Keira, meanwhile, boldly asks Michael if he’ll give her a rose but he declines, reminding her they aren’t on Survivor.

Luke puts his foot in it by blurting that he’d be open to meeting another woman on Paradise, putting doubts in Lisa’s mind.

Poor Luke, you clumsy hot tree… you didn’t realise Michael was waiting in the wings. And BAM here he is!

Michael and Lisa engage in a weirdly coded chat about “connections” and hypothetical situations and then perform a weird handshake, proving there must be a gas leak on the island or Wise is serving extra-strength drinks.

Emotions are high for everyone pre-ceremony, especially for Keira.

Tonight’s Hot Mess award goes to Eden, pressuring Nina about intimacy and saying “I have needs”, calling her self-centred for not giving him smooches.

I can’t believe I defended you Eden, you salty dog!

Ding dong, it’s time for the rose ceremony and first up is aforementioned dirty dog Eden. Does he give his rose to long-time love Nina? Of course not, he votes with his trousers and chooses Elora.

Some predictable choices come up: Grant choosing Ali, Sam choosing Tara, Jake choosing Megan, American Jarrod choosing Leah. Turns out yoga paddle-boarding is a success because Megan gets Jarrod’s rose.

Michael steps up and tensions are THROUGH THE ROOF. He performs a little speech about connections and respect and bla bla bla: he chooses Lisa and promptly bursts into tears.

How will Luke play his cards now his lady has been spoken for? Turns out he sees some good in ol’ mate disco ball, and Keira takes the rose. She also bursts into tears.

So it’s goodbye to Nina, briefly sucked in by Daniel and now betrayed by Eden. Good luck out there, boo.

These people have only been on Paradise for ten days - how can so much drama happen in so little time? We can only remain stuck to our crumb-covered beanbags and await the arrival of Apollo.

Thank you lord.

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