The most hilariously inappropriate things kids have said

Eliza Velk
Junior Lifestyle & Entertainment Producer

We all know that some of the funniest one-liners can come from kids who know no better and lack a filter.

So based on a trending Reddit thread, we have rounded out some of the most hilariously inappropriate things kids have ever said.

Here are the best ones: 

“Had a friend who transported goods for a pharmaceutical company. He jokingly referred to it as ‘delivering drugs’ in front of his 4-year-old nephew.

“One day, the friend was supposed to pick his nephew up from daycare. His caretaker asked him conversationally what his uncle did for a living. Of course, the kid spouts off that his uncle delivered/sold drugs for a living. This did not go over well with the caretaker. She proceeded to call the mother, who burst out laughing before she could explain.”

– Posted by mh3ubernard

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“My 7-year-old son slept on the top bunk of a bed with his brother down below. He’s a bit of a tank and was hitting around 28kgs. One night he asked me to put him to bed, and I said, ‘Mate, you’re getting really heavy, I’m not sure that I can lift you all the way up that high anymore!’.

He looked me straight in the eye and said, ‘Dad, you just need to believe in yourself’.”

– Posted by cmdwedge

“My daughter wanted to wear tights one day… ‘Dad can I wear my sock-pants?'”Posted by Rorstaway

“As a child, my Brother didn’t like peanuts. As a treat after dinner one Sunday we had Cornettos, my brother peeled the wrapper off and then turned to my Dad and said, ‘Daaaaaad, can you nibble my nuts off?’

My aunt wet herself laughing.”

– Posted by bedwelld

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“When my cousin was still a toddler they were constipated so badly that a suppository was prescribed. This lead to an episode in which my cousin screamed, ‘No Daddy, not the bum medicine again!’ While their bedroom window was open and the neighbours were having a BBQ.

– Posted by OdinsonALT

“My partner’s 5-year-old daughter was watching me do my makeup in the mirror and she said, ‘You look like an angel.’

That’s the sweetest thing she’s ever said to me, so I gushed like a teenage girl and thanked her with a big grin on my face.

Then she elaborated: ‘You look like you’re dead.'”

-Posted by Assrocket33r

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“Family went to Olive Garden restaurant. Waitress delivers the obligatory bowl of salad with the salad tongs. I proceed to start mixing up the salad with the tongs.

My 4-year old daughter sits up and stares into the bowl and then looks up at me and asks, “What are you looking for?”

– Posted by pinheadmaximus

“My niece likes to sing in front of everyone at holiday gatherings. When she finishes she says ‘everybody crap’ instead of ‘everybody clap.’

Always gets a good laugh.”

– Posted by abstractoil

“I was in a McDonald’s bathroom when I was in middle school 20 or so years ago, and the kid in the stall next to me very loudly said, ‘GRANDMA, WHY DO YOU HAVE HAIRS ALL OVER YOUR BUTT?’

I still giggle every time I think about it.”

– Posted by ooh_de_lally

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“Watching Star Wars with my 5-year-old nephew. Great scene with Darth Sidious sitting in his little chair facing out to space. You can’t see him and all you can see is the chair before he does his big spinning chair reveal. Sidious says something like, ‘Ahhh Skywalker, I’ve been waiting for you’ or something.

My Nephew turns to me, shrugs his shoulders and says, ‘Talking chair’

Don’t know why this caught me but I lost it.”

– Posted by pablo_pogo

“I used to work in a preschool, and a little boy heard me say that one of my friends was visiting Baltimore. The kid immediately gasped and went, ‘You aren’t supposed to say his name!!’

He thought that Voldemort was named Baltimore, and was horrified that someone I knew was visiting He Who Must Not Be Named. I didn’t correct him.”

– Posted by angelasroses

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“I could tell hundreds of stories from my camp counsellor days 10 years ago or so, but one that will always stick out was when I had a group of 6 to 8-year-olds on an exploration hike decently far into the woods, and one of the boys told me he needed to go to the bathroom.

‘OK, Trevor,’ I asked, ‘Do you know how to go to the bathroom outside?’, questioning whether or not he understood to do his business out of view from the rest of the group, on a tree or something.

‘Yeah,’ he assured me, while walking away, ‘I just take my peanutses out and go.’

Couldn’t argue with his answer.”

– Posted by Caruthers

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“We were bringing lunch to the teachers at school and my daughter announced that we made a special soup for Mr. S because he’s a virgin.

Mr. S is a vegan.”

– Posted by Princ3ssP3n3lop3

“My daughter at maybe 2 or a little under proclaimed to our family that ‘My daddy has a front tail.'”

– Posted by gameboyhomeboy

“My husband was pulled up for random breath testing. As the cop told us we were fine to go on our way, my youngest child piped up ‘Well that went better than last time!’

Turns out he meant last time hubby was RBTed he bitched about it because it was raining and the shoulder he was pulled up on was boggy.”

– Posted by macadamiaicecream

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“It was about nine years ago, when I was chilling at my sister’s place during summer break. She was watching a 60 Minutes interview of recently elected President Barack Obama with my nieces in the room.

The youngest at the time who was three saw the screen and then yelled ‘Ooo it’s Abracadabra!’ when she saw who was talking.”

– Posted by AvadaNevada

“A little background: When my daughter was little, she would make any excuse to try to sleep in our bed. We also had a lab named Morty who fell in love with her the day we brought her home from the hospital and followed her around until the day he died.

One night, she told me, “Mommy, I can’t sleep in my bed because Morty left all of his dog feathers in it.”

– Posted by unolemon

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“I was a counselor at a summer camp and we were taking the kids on a trip to the ice cream store. As I’m writing down the kids orders a little Asian girl in my group comes up to me and says, ‘I can’t eat ice cream, it makes my tummy hurt.’

I replied, ‘Oh I’m sorry, are you lactose intolerant?’ She looks back at me with a blank stare and says, ‘No, I’m Chinese.’

Might still be the funniest thing I’ve heard to this day.

– Posted by splityoassintwo


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