The talented and hilariously entertaining Jo Thornely is back with the recap of The Bachelorette finale.
Roses are red
And violets are blue;
Will it be Jarrod,
Or will it be Stu?
Finally. The time when Sophie Monk – who totally waits in regular airport lounges yep that’s definitely true – literally and metaphorically waits for her flight to be called.
Anyway, via a whirlwind of flashbacks and extremely serious thinky voice-overs, we’re off to Fiji to figure out which of these two men that we’re struggling to care about Sophie wants to wake up with for the rest of eternity. At least, I think we’re in Fiji.
So let’s get real – what are we up against here? Compare the pair: on the one hand you have Jarrod, who juuuuuust qualifies for shirtless-in-the-water, in a pinch, now that Apollo’s gone.
And then there’s Stu, who… stands at the water’s edge in a t-shirt.
What we need here is a jury to help us decide, and it arrives in the form of Sophie’s mother, father and sister. Sophie tells them through tears of happiness that Jarrod adores her for her, and that Stu represents both chemistry and baggage. Look, I’m sure Sophie’s family gives her some really cool advice at that point, but honestly it’s going to be hard to concentrate on anything until Sophie wipes that bit of snot off her lip.
It’s hard for families to make judgements just based on a description though, so they’d better meet these normal cough Aussie cough blokes, eh?
First it’s Stu’s turn, and he announces that he’s “nervous as buggery”. Mate, you’re a publican – just offer them free Keno vouchers and they’ll be putty in your hands.
Still, to say Sophie’s family has reservations about Stu is an understatement. You can tell from Dad Andrew’s face that all he’s ever wanted for his little girl is a father of four with hurricane-resistant levels of hair product.
When sister Lucy asks Stu about his reputation as a playboy, he reminds her that he was married for fourteen years. Oddly she doesn’t remind him right back that he’s still married yet dating somebody else on a reality TV show now. “Thanks for answering the questions hopefully honestly” Lucy finishes, allowing even entry-level body language experts a clear glimpse into her feelings.
By way of comparison, Jarrod enters the familial cabana bearing flowers and is – for Jarrod – relatively relaxed and natural. Naw, remember how we felt about Jarrod for five minutes eleven episodes ago?
Mum Sandi takes him aside for the mildest interrogation of all time, and by contrast to Stu asks him a bunch of questions about love instead of a bunch of questions about whether or not he’s rooted his way around Sydney. “You’re really special” says Sandi, as we all, sitting here in our loungerooms on our eighth wine, realise something shocking.
At some point, somehow, the producers and editors of this show have made us want to back Jarrod.
But there’s no time to ponder the mysteries of psychic manipulation, we’ve got about six hours’ worth of two final dates to drag through.
Both dates have warm salutations.
Both dates have aerial transportations.
Both dates have tropical destinations.
Both dates have soph-a situations.
Both dates have squelchy osculations.
And then, when both blokes open their hearts and tell Sophie how in love with her they are and how vulnerable she makes them feel, both dates make Sophie, a good person, realise this show is about to force her to be a bad person extremely soon.
Strap yourself in and put on your best product placement waterproof mascara mates, because here it comes. We finally find out which of these fellas, neither of whom have ever been our favourites, who both think it’s okay to wear a suit on a yacht, is Sophie Monk’s sick idea of a normal Aussie bloke.
The gents sail towards an island where Sophie’s chatting to Osher, who is cackling like a man who already has a partner and doesn’t have to go through any of this ridiculous sh*t.
We wait through the violins and whooshing waves, and then what we always knew would happen actually happens.
There’s an ad break. We KNEW that would happen.
Here, to wait it out, look at this collage I made of every time Jarrod has looked intense over the past six weeks.
Okay, we’re BACK! It’s… it’s…
Like, of course it is. You don’t get Aussie blokes more normal and down to earth than a guy who’s the legal custodian of nine hundred pubs and four sevenths of a netball team. It just goes to show that if you’re a multi-millionaire in a brand new pair of jeans that you bought in a young person’s shop, you too can find love.
Now if we can just wipe the mental image of Jarrod’s Ralph heartbroken Wiggum face out of our mind’s eye, maybe we can get some sleep.
You can follow Jo Thornely on Twitter for more brilliant Bachelorette commentary.