The talented and hilariously entertaining Jo Thornely is back with her latest recap of The Bachelorette.
Roses are red
And attract lots of bugs
But they aren’t as attractive
As three pairs of Uggs
Look at those blokes, would ya – bloking around on the bloke patio, talking about bloke stuff. One of these blokes is wearing a moon-boot, and one of these blokes is about to go on a date, and that bloke is Jarrod. Commence blokey celebrations.
“BS, man” says Blake, miffed that it’s not him going on a date. “When she gets bored, she can come back to a real man”.
Jarrod meets Sophie at a stadium where she tells him that they’ll be doing a high-wire walk so she can face her fear of heights.
Jarrod tells her he’s also scared of heights but he’ll protect her, whilst off-camera a producer tells a runner to go and put a minimum of six fresh pairs of underpants on standby.
The sight of the high-wire, two billion feet in the air and roughly the width of a fashionable necktie, would make even a marble statue’s sphincter clench. Even though Jarrod and Sophie will be on ropes, in seated harnesses and wearing helmets, Sophie’s not even all the way up the pylon when actual terror grips her face. “WE’RE ONLY HALFWAY UP AND I’M SHITTING MYSELF” she says through gritted teeth, endearing herself thoroughly to the entire nation.
They edge partway along the wire when Sophie’s bum dislodges from her safety seat, and psychologically it’s the absolute end of her. She panics, and the fear in Australia’s Most Recent Sweetheart’s voice is urgent and real.
But Jarrod. JARROD. Despite also taking the terror train to brown town, Jarrod is reassuring, gentle, firm, and relaxing, and confidently eases Sophie back into her seat. Even though he basically has to touch her buttocks, he’s the ultimate brave gentleman warrior, and songs called Copping A Polite Feel At A Cloud Height will be written and sung about him.
Back at the dude ranch, Blake the Rake is trying to figure out why a guy like Jarrod would even get a look-in, and predicts he’ll get a kiss on the cheek or a high-five at most. “Jarrod’s a nice guy, but nice guys finish last, don’t they?” he asks the camera. Dude, you’re sitting in a kitchen with fourteen other guys and he just touched her bottom.
Not even coming close to last, Jarrod accompanies Sophie to our her first Soph-a. It might be in the middle of a paddock under a flower-festooned Bunnings pergola with a promotional scoreboard in the background, but it’s still heaps romantic plus booze.
Jarrod says all the right stuff, Sophie tells us she’s surprised how into him she is, and we know where this is going. We know what’s about to happen.
Jarrod does get a bit cocky once he’s back with the stallion battalion though, and starts telling the other guys what Sophie wants and how to date her. They love it!
But enough of delicate egos, we’ve got the traditional photo-shoot to get done! The theme is ‘historical moments between couples’, or as ‘festival of man-nips’ if you prefer. Sophie does what any human woman would do under the circumstances.
We too do what any normal person would do under the circumstances and laugh at Ryan, who reckons he wouldn’t have even turned up if he’d known beforehand he’d be playing Cupid in a nappy in the background.
Clearly not too fussy about ‘historical’ meaning ‘people who existed ever’, the next shoot is based on the story of Robin Hood. Uncle Sam is dressed as Robin, but that doesn’t matter, does it. Because can we… can we just talk about James for a sec, please.
Sophie says it’s important that people aren’t too cool to have a laugh, which is why people like Ryan will not understand the fact that sixty thousand people just fell instantly in love with Friar Tuck. Or as William Spooner would say, Try A F… ok nevermind.
“I JUST LOOKED AT SOPHIE’S CANS” shouts Robin Hood Sam, not understanding life and foolishly giving James an opportunity to defend Sophie’s honour as a fellow monk. She instantly confirms James as a dark horse in this competition. A fat dark horse in a dress.
Amidst all of this confidence and personality, Jourdan has a tough job playing the role of Clyde to Sophie’s Bonnie in the next shoot. The character requires swagger, ruggedness and a gangster-style bad streak. Jourdan brings awkwardness, cheerfulness, and a moon-boot.
“Adam and Eve were the first power couple” says Blake of his and Sophie’s Garden of Eden photo shoot. I mean sure, if by ‘power couple’ you mean ‘banished from paradise in disgrace and responsible for the temporary damnation of humanity’, go for it.
Blake does push-ups to beef up for the shoot. Blake fantasises about how many Instagram likes he’s going to get. Blake tries his hardest to make the other guys jealous. In a nutshell, Blake is wearing a Christmas wreath as a g-string does everything to make this about him.
Admittedly though, it’s an insanely hot shoot.
I bet some of the guys in the house would be glad to see the back of Blake. In fact, who wouldn’t? Here you go.
The cocktail party is a predictable combination of Sophie looking incredible and the guys swarming on her like she’s the last Chiko Roll at a hangover symposium. Jarrod doesn’t cope well with remembering that he went through a gruelling application process so he could come on this show and be in precisely this situation, and wants to hog Sophie for himself. He claims it’s just being polite and considerate to want to thank her for their date and stare at her constantly, but Harry gently points out that his behaviour is perhaps impolite and inconsiderate towards the other guys.
“But I’m not marrying the other guys”, responds Jarrod. Crickets sound. Somewhere in the distance, a dog howls.'
Jarrod goes on to steal Blake’s idea and gives his future wife and possible captive a pair of Ugg boots and a pair for himself, which so far makes the ratio of Ugg boots to episodes 3:2. Still, Blake is FUMING. He’s ROPABLE. He almost gets a HAIR OUT OF PLACE.
As a result the Rosatorium is a seething mass of Ugg boot resentment, but from the cool end of the spectrum.
Sophie slowly makes her way through the blokes whose names she remembers until we’re just left with Jourdan and Bingham, which sounds like a cheap law firm. In a seemingly easy decision, Sophie sends Jourdan home.
Bye, Jourdan. It’s odd that your flirting technique of blindfolding Sophie, crying and limping was unsuccessful, but I guess some girls are just fussy.
You can follow Jo Thornely on Twitter for more brilliant Bachelorette commentary.