The awful sex tips we’d suffer through if Cosmo was written for men

The sex tips in Cosmopolitan magazine – they’re a rite of passage. Who hasn’t wondered how to have the best sex ever? Or needed to know what the one magic bedroom move you need to try tonight is?

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Now a Reddit thread has opened it up to our male counterparts, asking if Cosmo were written for men, what would be some of the awful sex and relationship tips they’d give.

Frankly, some of the answers are terrifying.

Here are 15 tips which are guaranteed to make you go home, put your comfiest flannelette pyjamas on and tell your boyf: “Not tonight. Not tomorrow night. Maybe not ever again."

1. Spice things up
If you really want to spice things up in bed, you'll bring the spice to the bed! Dab a bit of Tabasco on your tongue before going down on her, and she will experience flames of passion like never before! Bonus tip: This pleasure can go both ways; a bit of hot sauce on the tip of your penis can make penetration powerfully hot! (@Chaosncalculation)

2. Get her in the mood with your moves
The Jackhammer: Every woman's favourite move whether they admit it or not. (@chrisreevesfunrun)

3. Talk dirty
Women love dirty talk. But you can go one step further. Squeeze the head of your penis repeatedly, making it look like it's doing the talking. It will make her go wild! (@ShinyShovel)

4. Confessional orgasming is hot
While she's going down on you, moan the names of attractive co-workers, friends, and family members. It lets her know that she's nearly that good looking, and reminds her that she's the one you've chosen out of all of them.
(@dudleymooresbooze)

5. Get straight to the point
Is she not in the mood? Poke her with your penis until she gets the point! (@Cheef_queef)

6. Dick pics are always ok
Girls always groan about the "dick pic"… but if you're in a high-risk, high-reward situation, and you're out of moves, the dick pic can be a potent icebreaker. Give her a well-posed candid shot of your own icebreaker, and you'll soon be crushing more than ice cubes, you sexy stud!
(@Romanticon)

6. Don’t take no for an answer
If she blocks you on Facebook, she is tired of only talking to you on the internet and wants you to come over to her home immediately. (@JustWingItOrDont)

7. Diamonds aren't always forever
Studies show the most passionate sex a couple will have is their engagement night. Why only do it once? Give her a ring and ask her to marry you. The next morning, explain that you've changed your mind. Any time the relationship needs a kick in thy bedroom, do it all over again! (@OnlyRacistOnReddit)

8. Fantasy sharing is hot
Women are always asking "what's on your mind?" Make her happy by telling her all about that sexy new coworker of yours! (@DangerousPuhson)

9. Pretend to like something she does
Quickly google "Royals fashion" and memorise the captions for the images that come up. She'll be so impressed that you're interested in her ridiculous bastardisation of childhood princess fantasies that she'll want to give your loins some serious love licks. (@Kahzgul)

10. Bargain for more than you want
Tell her you've been thinking about having a foursome without her. Pretty soon, a threesome with her is a polite compromise! (@dudleymooresbooze)

11. Try something new at critical moments
She's kidding when she says, "Just like that, just like that!!" Take it as your clue to try something new. (@AllKindsofCats)

12. Women love loud men
It's important for your girl to know that you're alpha, so you gotta be loud about it. The louder you shout about how manly you are, the louder she'll moan in bed later that night. (@Regorek)

13. Look out for numero uno
How does a real man know when his partner has achieved climax? Real men don't care! (@chuckdelmonico)

14. Communication is key
Don't expect her to know what you like. Describe in detail what your exes did better than her. Show her the videos of your ex doing it. (@dudleymooresbooze)

15. Compliment insult her
Is that girl constantly dating more "macho" guys? The best way to act like a hunk is to compliment like you don't care. Show your masculinity with complisults like "You're really hot from the neck down!" (@BlakeMassengale)

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