Ash Pollard: How to survive losing a loved one

Ash Pollard is best known as one of Australia’s most gifted home cooks. But underneath those signature spiral blonde curls, the television personality and radio-host has a noggin full of knowledge that she’ll be sharing exclusively with Be.

Over the next 12 weeks she’ll be sharing her top tips on how to tackle life’s trickiest situations — from what to do during an awkward encounter with an ex, to surviving a dreaded social media slip-up

This week: how to survive losing someone you love.

Losing a loved one is a horrible ordeal. There’s no other way to describe it.

But it doesn’t mean you can’t recover from the loss, even if it seems overwhelming or impossible at first.

At the very centre of loss is grief; the most intense pain there is, and as humans we will do anything to avoid it.

Our natural impulse is to run away from the pain, whether it’s our own grief or someone else’s.

But the thing about this is, if we do that we’ll never recover.

The trick to moving forward and healing from a loss is to acknowledge it and deal with it accordingly.

I have read that there are two kind of loss: expected loss and traumatic loss. Both are similar yet vastly different.

Expected loss gives you time to prepare for death, traumatic loss strikes when you least expect it and as a result, usually takes a lot more time to heal your broken heart.

My first encounter with death was when my uncle died by suicide.

It was so unexpected and without doubt the most horrific experience I have ever been through. I remember each second, minute and hour of the day as it passed after I’d found out.

That experience, even though I sought help to deal with the loss after, will always be fresh in my mind. Come to think of it though, it was more than the loss I sought professional help for, I needed help dealing with the guilt I felt for my Mum losing her brother. I wanted to help with the burden… but how could I?!

The awful experience taught me a lot about coping and for someone who has lost a loved one, I would suggest the following:

Acknowledge
You just have to, even though you might not want to. This is the first (and hardest) step to moving forward. Remember that everyone reacts and deals with their grieving process in their own way.

Open up
Chatting about death can be extremely cathartic but only do so when you’re ready. At times it will bring the family together to remember and reminisce on wonderful memories. Communicating your thoughts and feelings is paramount to healing.

Be Vulnerable
Forget the people that might tell you to ‘stop crying’ or ‘be strong’… vulnerability is so powerful. It takes a really brave person to show vulnerability. Being so open may help other family members to cope too.

Call on your friends
Allow you friends to be there for you. Trust me, they REALLY want to help you but just don’t know how. Let them in, let them bring laughs, comfort and joy into what may feel like a really dark time. Friends are the best gift!

Make the right decisions
Don’t go drinking yourself into oblivion because you think that’s the only way numb the pain. Be kind to yourself. Get sleep, eat well and exercise no matter how little you feel like doing it.

Seek professional help
Don’t be ashamed to get professional help. This can be your saving grace as it was mine. Someone disconnected from the trauma, someone who is not a relation is a godsend. They give clarity and open mindedness to the situation and at times can be extremely comforting.

Death is never a nice experience but unfortunately we will all experience it at some point in our lives. Whatever your situation, I hope this helps with the process moving forward and healing.

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