It's official: You're going to marry the wrong person

It's 2am. You can't sleep. You can't stop thinking about why your partner isn't keen on that amazing curtain pattern you want for the bedroom.

You ask yourself: If we're so alike, if we're meant to be together, wouldn't we at least like the same things?

Then it hits you: Am I with the wrong person?

Yes. Yes you are, but it's OK.

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That's what philosopher and author Alain de Botton wants us to know in his new book The Course of Love.

Speaking with Be, Alain said one of the main afflictions plaguing society today is our inability to love.

"I think in a way we're not taught how to love," he said. "We're taught that feelings are everything and that everything will be fine if we follow them. But having a go at a relationship means letting go, or being disloyal, to some of those feelings."

We should, Alain explains, work to understand and explore our lover's individual quirks and elements of madness rather than seeing these elements as confirmation that your relationship is doomed to fail.

"We're all mad," he said. "Every human being is a deeply complicated machine. We need a lot of deep understanding of how this machine works."

Part of the problem he says, is our inability to "budget" for complicated discussions about the "little things".

"We feel so embarrassed that we want to make a deal of them that we end up not saying anything at all and then just end up getting mad," he said.

Alain continued: "There should be a feeling of digging deep about the little things – talk to your partner and say we need some explanations about why you do this or that. The terrible problem arises when you encounter a problem without having emotionally budgeted for it."

For Alain, being open with your partner about everything and self-awareness is the key to making your relationship work... oh, and not getting angry at your partner when they fail to guess your emotions.

"We have to stop thinking that people can get us by just guessing," he said. "That then leads to an outbreak of sulking. When people think they don’t think they need to explain themselves to others it’s terribly unfair and immature."

As for finding 'The One', Alain is refreshingly honest and unsentimental: "There is no such thing".

"We are told that all our problems will be solved when we meet the right person," he said. "But to be compatible with someone isn't something you should be on day one - it's the achievement that you might have after many years with someone."

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