Meet Love Island's newest hunks

By Deirdre Fidge


Friends, enemies, and all in between: we’ve all endured another Hump Day Love Island episode which always feels like such an intimate experience of rolling around in the garbage together.

Let’s wipe off the banana peels and recap.

Meet the two newcomers Mark and Kory.

Monday feels like a lifetime ago for Erin and Eden.

After their official coupling ceremony, which isn’t a thing by the way, the honeymoon phase is clearly over… DING DONG, there goes the fight alarm!

The first rule of Fight Club is get insanely jealous over nothing. Shh. Source: Nine
Erin has to put about $3000 in the swear jar tbh. Source: Nine
Turns out I’m really into seeing these dudes be humiliated… who knew? Source: Nine
Turn up the pool temp and boil ‘em like crabs! Source: Nine
Ah of course, the customary cushioning. How quaint. Source: Nine

 Anyhow, Erin supposedly catches sight of the $5 Lovisa bracelet Eden bought her and they make up.

Gang have bigger fish to fry: fish in the form of new men entering the house.

But before they arrive, some of the girls decide to torture the existing males by forcing them to endure a bootcamp, involving a lot of jumping and thrusting and Human Centipede-style crawling.

Time for some poolside goss.

Now that Jaxon (NOT HIS REAL NAME) has cycled away, Shelby confesses she’s keen on Dom, while also keeping her options open for the newbies.

But bouffant-headed Teddy tries to flirt by talking about hermit crabs.

I was just getting to the best part!!!” Source: Nine

 Tragically, his tale is cut short by the excitable tingle of a text message.

#FannyFlutters is a phrase I will pay good money to have medically extracted from my brain. Source: Nine

Dom loses a bet which apparently means he has to smooch one of the ladies (whatever happened to the old-fashioned classic outcome of paying your winning opponent $20, or having to light yourself on fire?). Naturally he chooses Shelby.

That’s right, bend down and mark your territory like some sort of schnauzer. Source: Nine

Finally, date time has arrived! The chosen gals awkwardly sit on Kmart chairs in an abandoned street for a group date with the two new guys which is definitely what gets me in the mood for romance.

“The cheap lead paint is burning my polyester dress and now I’m fused to the chair.” “Shut up.” Source: Nine
Their appearance could not be less surprising. Source: Nine

Their names are Mark and Corey, or Kark and Maurie, I was too busy screaming about their horrible Euro-trash white suits.

Really enjoying this artistic shot of them being blocked by local pedestrians. Source: Nine

Kark is a model of course, and possibly a spokesperson for veneers.

Maurie the koncreter reveals he has his own business, as well as a daughter. He seems almost normal compared to some of the other poofy-haired pups we’re used to enduring.

A tradie and a model walk into a Spanish alleyway… the punchline is all the contestants. Just them. Source: Nine

The gals seem impressed – possibly just stunned by the blinding teeth – but what about the rest of the gang?

The newbies fit in perfectly, in the sense that no human on earth could tell them apart from the others. Source: Nine

Shelby’s returned from the date keener than ever for Dom – that territorial marking seems to have worked a treat!

Also Dom’s teeth are 200% less terrifying than the model’s. Source: Nine

 Kory and Mark play date swapsies with Mac and Millie in a modern-day Benny Hill skit. They all canoodle and chinwag about values and morals and then take selfies. Lord help us all.

“So… are you also into building an online brand and selling your soul for product placements?” Source: Nine

 

As my grandmother always said: never trust a man in pre-torn white denim, let alone two of them. Source: Nine

 WOOP WOOP WOOP! It’s the Monk Alarm! At long last, our queen Sophie has marched into the villa.

Peekaboo to our perfect angel, we’ve missed you! Source: Nine
If only Love Island was one hour of Sophie Monk slow-motion walking. Source: Nine

As always, the Fire Pit is hungry and needs broken hearts to sustain its energy. Who will Kark and Maurie choose?

Tweedledum and Tweedledee must fight to the death! Oh wait, they changed that – now they just say who they like. Source: Nine
Millie and Kory to reenact the classic film Stepmom any day now. Source: Nine Mac and Mark – another happy (?) coupling! Source: Nine

Sophie then announces that Shelby must choose where to place her pillow for the evening… so to speak.

For some reason Shelby literally grabs her pillow and places it on the man of her choice. Is this normal? Is this a heterosexual tradition?

Ah of course, the customary cushioning. How quaint. Source: Nine

More new couples, even more blinding teeth, and only one week to go. Strap yourselves in friends – the countdown is on.


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