Sexual tensions rise for Nick 'Honey Badger' Cummins on The Bachelor

Team Lifestyle

The hilarious Deirdre Fidge is back to recap this year’s season of The Bachelor.

Wowee zowie! We’re only two episodes in and I’m already covered in second-hand embarrassment sweat. What just happened? Strap on your feedbags and let’s have a yarn.

The Honey Badgelorettes are waking up in the spinster-pad, presumably well-rested thanks to Cayla’s magic crystals or whatever. DING DONG, OSHER ALARM!

All of us when Osher enters the room. Source: Ten
All of us when Osher enters the room. Source: Ten
Has she spotted a date card or a plate of chicken Crimpy’s? Maybe we’ll never know. Oh wait no, it’s a date card. Source: Ten
Has she spotted a date card or a plate of chicken Crimpy’s? Maybe we’ll never know. Oh wait no, it’s a date card. Source: Ten

It would be irresponsible of us to promote excessive alcohol intake, so we won’t recommend any drinking games. That said, if someone were to place a slab of West Coast Coolers on the table and suggest downing one every time Cass says “I already know Nick” maybe that would be fun? Just sayin’.

The lucky lady is… Shannon the sk8r girl! Source: Ten
The lucky lady is… Shannon the sk8r girl! Source: Ten
Coincidentally, this date appears to be held at the hideous shoe convention. Source: Ten
Coincidentally, this date appears to be held at the hideous shoe convention. Source: Ten

Just kidding! The date is actually being winched out of a helicopter, because nothing says romance like defecating your pants mid-air.

Nobody tell her what happened to Vic Morrow. Source: Ten
Nobody tell her what happened to Vic Morrow. Source: Ten
“WE DIDN’T DIEEEEEEEEE!!!!” Source: Ten
“WE DIDN’T DIEEEEEEEEE!!!!” Source: Ten

Naturally it’s time for Mother Nature’s best cures for settling anxiety: seafood and liquor!

Uh oh, the slow piano music means it’s time to talk about FEELINGS. Source: Ten
Uh oh, the slow piano music means it’s time to talk about FEELINGS. Source: Ten

Shannon says her “morals” mean you should never kiss a guy on the first date, even if you want to. I guess these 1950s principles work on Nick because voila, here comes a rose.

Meanwhile back at Mean Girls Manor, a group date card appears!

Although out of shot, we’re told Cass’s fingernails were gripping the cushions so tightly the whole couch spontaneously combusted. Source: Ten
Although out of shot, we’re told Cass’s fingernails were gripping the cushions so tightly the whole couch spontaneously combusted. Source: Ten

The lucky ladies are Brooke, Aleksandra, Christina, Sophie, Cass, Cayla, Cat, Alisha, Romy and Vanessa Freaking Sunshine, which in my opinion is about 294 too many people for an enjoyable date.

My Big Fat Mormon Sisterwives Wedding: coming soon to 10. Source: Ten
My Big Fat Mormon Sisterwives Wedding: coming soon to 10. Source: Ten

Bingo bango, it’s a bloody photoshoot! The theme is “Things Nick Is Passionate About” which includes things like ‘80s music’ but not, sadly, ‘inventive euphemisms for oral sex’ (see prior reference to feedbag).

Is anyone else super relieved we finally have a Bachelor with an actual personality? Source: Ten
Is anyone else super relieved we finally have a Bachelor with an actual personality? Source: Ten

By some MAGICAL STROKE OF LUCK, the least-likeable contestant Vanessa has to wear overalls instead of something revealing (although she clearly doesn’t travel in lesbian circles because gosh darn it – dungarees are sexy).

Some days you’re the damsel in distress, other days you’re the axe-wielding maniac, am I right guys? Source: Ten
Some days you’re the damsel in distress, other days you’re the axe-wielding maniac, am I right guys? Source: Ten

Of course naughty schoolgirls come out to represent Nick’s “passion for education” – HAHAHA. Good on the producers for at least trying to pretend they weren’t just choosing a cliche.

For an “energy healer”, Cayla sure emits some awkward as heck vibes. Source: Ten
For an “energy healer”, Cayla sure emits some awkward as heck vibes. Source: Ten
But not as awkward as Sophie, who was shaking like a dang leaf, possibly out of shock from Nick’s enormous traps. Source: Ten
But not as awkward as Sophie, who was shaking like a dang leaf, possibly out of shock from Nick’s enormous traps. Source: Ten
Who wouldn’t feel nervous being judged by these chuckleheads? Keep drinking your Aldi cask wine and leave Sophie alone, ya jokers. Source: Ten
Who wouldn’t feel nervous being judged by these chuckleheads? Keep drinking your Aldi cask wine and leave Sophie alone, ya jokers. Source: Ten

Jesus Christ, this episode is just non-stop action. Suddenly it’s the next day and Nick is bursting through the mansion door.

How are we meant to keep track of the timeline? Didn’t they just see each other? I need help. Source: Ten
How are we meant to keep track of the timeline? Didn’t they just see each other? I need help. Source: Ten

Romy is invited out to lunch! Congrats, one of several blondes I get confused with the others!

Pizza time with Uncle Mike! Sidenote, is he single? Unlimited access to pizza sounds very appealing. Source: Ten
Pizza time with Uncle Mike! Sidenote, is he single? Unlimited access to pizza sounds very appealing. Source: Ten

Romy tries to insert her entire body into Nick’s ear cavity, but is rejected politely.

HOW LOVELY, A MOST AWKWARD KISS ATTEMPT. HELP. Source: Ten
HOW LOVELY, A MOST AWKWARD KISS ATTEMPT. HELP. Source: Ten

FINALLY – it’s everyone’s favourite time of polyester frocks, hair extensions hanging freely and excess alcohol being plied down hungry women’s throats: the cocktail party!

Romy describes her mistimed peck as a “hot” and “romantic” kiss, proving her to be an even greater storyteller than that old man who used to come into my work and spin yarns for an hour when I was 16 and worked at a newsagency.

Romy, I don’t use this phrase often but you are a MEAN BEAN. Source: Ten
Romy, I don’t use this phrase often but you are a MEAN BEAN. Source: Ten
This doorknob is deeply upset that someone kissed Nick first. Source: Ten
This doorknob is deeply upset that someone kissed Nick first. Source: Ten

Wipe your tears ladies and knobs, it’s time for the rose ceremony.

The best part of these group shots is seeing people who have never been featured on the show and screaming WHO IS THAT IMPOSTER?! Source: Ten
The best part of these group shots is seeing people who have never been featured on the show and screaming WHO IS THAT IMPOSTER?! Source: Ten

Tensions are almost as high as those hemlines, am I right ladies! Sorry. Anyhow, Nick starts chucking out flowers to the gals and honestly… good on him for remembering that many names.

It would be funny if a large weevil crawled out of a rose and attacked one of the contestants I reckon. Anyway.. this ceremony is taking too long. Source: Ten
It would be funny if a large weevil crawled out of a rose and attacked one of the contestants I reckon. Anyway.. this ceremony is taking too long. Source: Ten

And it’s goodbye to Renee and Juliana, two athletic blondes we barely saw.

We won’t miss you, but it’s fine – all the best! Source: Ten
We won’t miss you, but it’s fine – all the best! Source: Ten

Now that the numbers are on the decline, we can only hope this leaves more room for drama and conflict – I mean, romance and true love. Until next time, fellow losers.

You can follow Deirdre Fidge on Twitter here.

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