Does anyone else need a cold shower after tonight’s episode? No? Only me? OK cool! Anyway, another ripper of an episode just dropped and we need to rehash.
The night began with American Jarrod brandishing a date card and everyone momentarily remembering he exists.
Eden scores the date card and unsurprisingly chooses Elora. It’s wild hearing her audio bites of “I don’t really want to go on a date” blare over images of Eden’s beaming face.
“I’m not attracted to him,” she constantly tells the cameraman, while Eden’s besotted eyes laser directly into her soul.
Back at the resort, Simone is explaining that she likes pretty boys, and luckily for her the prettiest boy is about to descend into Paradise.
IT’S THE ARRIVAL OF APOLLO!
Let’s be honest, this is the moment many of us have been girding our loins for, and the primary reason we were so excited for Bachie in Paradise.
(I’m saying ‘we’ instead of ‘I’ because it helps me feel less creepy about stalking his Instagram thrice-daily if I believe there to be many of us doing it)
Prior to Apollo’s television debut on the last season of The Bachelorette, the concept of a magician who is both deeply attractive and socially competent was unheard of.
This perpetually smiling wizard has done wonders for the magic industry and they owe him big time for simply existing.
Everything about Apollo is perfect: his smile, his patterned shirt, his ability to cause healthy young women to spontaneously have several heart attacks and we don’t even mind, his hair…. Given the cheers that welcomed him I wonder if any or all of the men will join Megan in the bisexual club?
Simone and Apollo have a chat and it turns out she doesn’t know what a sea turtle is, and thinks they are related to dragonflies.
Unfortunately by this time Apollo had already asked her on a date so he can’t take it back.
Elora returns from her wildly platonic friendship experience with Eden to hear that Apollo has arrived and already asked Simone out on a date.
Their previously stable castle of friendship is clearly breaking down before our very eyes, brick by brick.
It turns out this isn’t the first love triangle these two pals have been involved in, so old wounds are being torn apart while the castle falls (sorry, I’m not great at analogies).
Elora pulls Apollo aside for a chat while Simone fumes. Wait a minute guys… red-faced, prone to mood swings, irrational thinking… IS SIMONE THE FEMALE JARROD?!
Ali sighs “I hate drama so I’m steering clear” but the rest of us wipe crumbs from our faces, fist-pump the air and scream “yassss bring on the conflict”
Meanwhile, Jarrod’s flip-flopping back to Keira now that Simone’s love for witchcraft and wizardry has been revealed, so he pops on a straw fedora and tries to woo her.
Somehow it works, presumably because they are both incredibly weird.
Alright mate good luck and everything but anyway can we get back to Apollo?
Simone and Apollo’s date is one of the more accurate representations of a real-life first date: awkward, clumsy, and involving an unsteady kayak.
Tonight’s cutie patootie moment: Sam building Tara a straw shack, which is the closest thing most 27-year-olds will ever get to home ownership.
They both really like each other and it’s actually really cute but if he harms our precious angel I will personally throw him javelin-style him into the ocean.
But truthfully, we don’t watch these shows for the wholesome moments; we tune in for the conflict and crying and love octagons, which is why the escalating drama between Elora and Simone is so cringe-worthy yet addictive.
We can only hope the next Rose Ceremony is as dramatic as the last.
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