The talented and hilariously entertaining Jo Thornely is back with her latest recap of The Bachelorette.
Roses are red
And violets are not
Flowers are yellow
If you piss in their pot.
The Bromansion is sad. It lost four good men to battle, and the mood is sombre and funereal. See? Here’s a picture of James looking sad. Sad and hot.
But you know what happens next? James gets a single date! Here’s a picture of James looking happy. Happy and hot.
The mystery and extremely dark lipstick build up as Sophie picks James up in a water taxi to take him to ‘her world’.
And… look. I know a lot of television budgets are tight, but there are still thousands of really good low-cost date ideas. And busking at Darling Harbour is none of them.
Armed with a box of bizarre performance accessories, they rap badly, dance badly, and do rhythmic gymnastics badly. Make no mistake: I do not understand this date. I do understand what a happy bloke looks like when he’s hugging the girl he’s got a crush on, though:
I also understand what a promising date soph-a looks like, and this one’s a winner. Dripping in fairy lights, corner nook, rooftop, blankie – this couch is a harbinger of rampant pashing.
“Is this like the New York skyline?” asks James pointing at Sydney, and Sophie tells him that it’s very similar. The two main differences are obviously that it isn’t and it doesn’t look like it, but all is saved when James says “the most important thing for me is finding your happiness inside”. Sophie gets a tear in her eye and looks up at him like he’s the most attractive man in the world, for two good reasons: he is, and can I have him.
“Can I just kiss you?” asks Sophie, because duh.
“Can we just grin at our televisions like idiots and let out a little squealing noise?” asks Australia, because IT’S SO GOOD.
“I really like you” whispers James softly. “You’re a really good person” he adds, and there are not enough underpants in the entire world to get through this.
Nothing – NOTHING – could bring us down from this cloud of glorious romance.
Nothing except this.
Yep, the group date today has a ‘back to school’ theme, and Sophie will be testing the lads on a number of school-specific skills, because nothing’s more normal and healthy than pretending your multiple boyfriends are under the age of consent.
Anyway, let’s stop wasting time with the law and get this ridiculous farce of a group date underway.
CHALLENGE ONE: PAPER PLANES (not the song)
In the first challenge, each bloke has one chance to make a paper plane and fly it further than the others, with the shortest flight directors being knocked out. As with all challenges on this show, it’s about aerodynamics, physics, and Jarrod.
Happily new dudes Guy and Stu are utter garbage at making planes, so Jarrod loudly rejoices being the third worst at something.
CHALLENGE TWO: HOOPS (not the song)
Six men must shoot as many basketball hoops as possible in a limited time, with the top four going through to the next round. The basketball skill is varied, but it’s most certainly an opportunity to display raging levels of boisterous testosterone and loud bursts of Big Man Sport Laugh. You know Big Man Sport Laugh:
“Basketball is one of my favourite sports, and shooting under pressure is kinda my thing, this should be a piece of cake” boasts Blake, shortly before losing.
CHALLENGE THREE: 5,6,7,8 (not the song)
This next challenge is all about quick-fire mathematics skills. Picking a random question card from a table, each guy has ten seconds to answer the maths problem on the back. Jarrod seems determined to let everyone know that he’s thick as two buckets of dough, but boy, does he have some competition for that titl.
Guys. GUYS. Anything times zero is zero. That’s why zero is spooky and powerful, and why you are idiots.
Still, some of the questions are easier than others.
Which just leaves Ryan and Intruder AJ to battle it out in:
CHALLENGE FOUR: ABC (but not the song)
“Which one of you is the most cunning linguist?” asks Osher, a man who makes us prouder and prouder every day. Take a bow, Osher. You deserve a Shia.
It’s a spelling bee, which upsets Kiwi Ryan a bit. “I rely a lot on spill chick” he says, concerned.
AJ is more confident, but is also concerned about ruffling feathers and being unpopular with the boys. Despite there being alone time with Sophie at stake, he doesn’t want to put ‘END in ‘FRIENDSHIP, so instead he puts the ‘Q’ and ‘Z’ into ‘CUISINE’ when he’s asked to spell it. He even bungs on a bit of thinky-face to make things more convincing.
Ryan wins and Sophie takes him to an unimpressive outdoor soph-a later that evening for a drink and a spot of light interrogation.
See, because during their last chat Ryan put his foot in it and said he wants a hot girl who doesn’t swear, Sophie wants to see if he’ll say anything stupid again. So when she asks him if he thinks he could fit in with her life and if he responds basically with “if you’re worth it, I guess” and then repeats his distaste for girls who like wearing comfortable clothing, we all take one last look at the face of a man prepared to say “maybe” to this country’s greatest living treasure.
“I want someone that wants me, so I’m going to choose them over you” Sophie tells Ryan, forthright and glorious. “You should go off and meet the right girl, and I promise you it’s not me” she adds, as Shia cracks his knuckles again. With very good cause, Sophie’s a little bit proud of herself.
“This is f*ckin’ bullsh*t” whispers man-who-hates-swearing-girls Ryan as the door hits him on the arse on his way out. LOL BYE.
There you go, mate. Your prize for winning four challenges in a row today is being told to piss off.
Hey, speaking of piss, does anyone know why Jarrod’s plant isn’t growing?
Jarrod suspects sabotage and is angry. What’s more, he suspects Blake. What’s more, he suspects Blake’s urine. That’s right folks, IT’S PISSGATE. But how to prove it?
DON’T PUT YOUR HAND IN IT AND THEN SNI… oh, go on then.
The mystery is never solved, but Jarrod is determined to keep growing his creepy love plant. And if he finds out who’s been messing with it, “I’m gonna be tenfold on your ass” he says. Jarrod, I promise you. Nobody knows what that means.
All this talk of urination has made us desperate to go to the toilet, but we have to hold on to find out who get the boot in the Rosatorium. Osher enters in his crystallised blueberry suit and we’re busting. Sophie starts handing out roses in her excellent dress and we’re crossing our legs. The music swells and we’re desperate. There’s only one rose left, and it comes down to… to…
AJ stays because for all we know, Guy is a toilet roll that someone’s painted a face on. Bye, Guy. Thank you for extending my toilet metaphor.
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