The Real Housewives of Melbourne S4 recap Ep 6 - Jackie's Birthday

Jess McGuire

We kick off this episode in a cafe where Venus joins Lydia and Gina for a cuppa and some apparently delicious ginger biscuits.

Gina announces that she’s thinking of getting some counselling to deal with the grief of losing her father as, “I feel like I swing between hysterical laughter, to feeling really agro”.

Lydia’s actual response:

“Oh you’re gorgeous!”

Right, okay then. Venus pipes up that she feels pretty angry toward Gamble, which is a great cue for Gina to rant about Gamble sounding like a cutesy wounded little bird. Venus starts doing a high pitched noise to mock how Gamble sounds, and Lydia is utterly confused about the whole thing

LYDIA: “What’s that?”

GINA: “That’s the noise she makes.”

LYDIA: “ … what? (then sounding unsure) that’s hilarious, do it again?”

VENUS: (does high pitched noise)

GINA: “She’s like a little doll”

LYDIA: (not following) “Broken?”

GINA: “No.”

Anyway, Gina declares that once trust is gone in a friendship, it’s done for, and Lydia confides that that’s how she feels about Janet and Jackie - to which Gina responds, “They’re not your friends, are you kidding?” Ooof.

Jackie’s still rattled about the things Lydia told her at Sally’s homewares launch, particularly the stuff about Chyka, so it’s a great reason to go and visit everyone’s favourite former Housewife who has actually been on the show a lot this season which makes me VERY happy! Chyka gives Jackie a crystal angel as a gift, and Jackie is moved to tears and there’s lots of “I love you” “I love you too”-s going on.

She gives Chyka a rundown on what happened between her and Lydia, and all the things that have been said regarding Chyka and Janet, and Chyka reassures Jackie that Janet would never speak unkindly about Jackie. Jackie adds that Lydia also told her that she knows about Chyka and Jackie’s recent fight, a fight which is news to Chyka and Jackie.

OR IS CHYKA PLAYING US ALL nah she’s a perfect angel

Back to lunch with Gina, Venus and Lydia! Lydia tells Gina she wishes she would back her up more in this Janet/Jackie saga, and Gina says, yeah nah.

Venus lets slip that Jackie is having a birthday party next week which would be the perfect time to try and… uh oh. “Didn’t you get an invite?” asks Gina brusquely, between mouthfuls of dessert. Lydia’s face reveals that she knows nothing about this upcoming social engagement.

Oh. Awkward…

Jackie tells Chyka that she’s deliberately not invited Lydia to her “private party” because she really doesn’t want any more of this drama and she certainly doesn’t want it kicking off at an event full of family and friends. She adds that she and Ben are planning a business trip to Mexico (they’re entering the tequila biz, because OF COURSE) and she was planning on inviting all the girls but she’s still up in the air about whether ol’ Tin Lids can come along.

Sally has a long meeting with the interior designer who’s handling her soon-to-be-opening Bali resort and spa, and I struggle to care (although deffo looking forward to an upcoming Housewives Do Bali special, will be worth it just to see the ladies donning Bintang singlets and hair braids).

Sally, girl, I love you but I just do not give two shits about interior design I’M SORRY YOU ARE WONDERFUL THOUGH

Over at Gamble’s place, she’s talking to Luke and her Wolfpup about her suspicions their garage is haunted. She then tells the camera she’s thinking about having a seance, and then she hears a bump in the ceiling.

GAMBLE: “Didja hear that? ARE YOU F**KEN SERIOUS?”

Finally, scientific proof caught on caught on camera that ghosts exist, thanks Gambie

Gamble, Rick and Luke head down to the garage\cellar and don’t bother turning on any lights cos it’s much easier to connect with the spirits via candlelight.

Something touches Gamble’s leg and she screams, but I dunno, when you live in a house with several small dogs I feel like something is always gonna be touching your leg?

For a superior ghost hunting experience, please search YouTube for ‘ghost hunting with girls aloud’ - you’re welcome.

Shout out to Luke who knows the best way to approach hunting down otherworldly spirits - do it with a glass of wine in hand.

[38581950|Respect.]

Gina meets with her life coach slash friend Teymara and talks more about the trauma of losing her dad and they scribble down on a piece of paper all the things she’s feeling: “Sadness”, “Loss”, “Guilt”. She tells Teymara she’s been feeling angry and moody lately too, and references her recent lunch with Lydia and Venus and confesses she found it “laborious” - to be fair, that might not be part of the grieving process, that might just be enduring a conversation with Lydia.

(Genuine side note: I think Gina’s directing a lot of her anger and frustration toward Gamble at the moment and it’s super hard to watch)

It’s time for Jackie’s birthday party and all the ladies (except Lydia) have arrived in high spirits. I would dearly love to give a special shout out to the party DJ in this scene who does some exceptional work spinning, twisting unnecessary knobs, and generally jiggling about in a very busy manner.

Check that thing over there! Twist this thing! Adjust headphones! IT’S BUSY WORK

As someone who was once cast as The DJ In A Lesbian Bar for a scene in the hit TV Offspring (true story) where I too had to look busy pretending to spin records in the background for like, 8 long hours, I can see he has put his heart and soul into this performance and his energy level never falters just top shelf stuff.

Anyway, there’s lot of tequila shots and then Jackie announces SHE’S TAKING THE WHOLE GANG TO MEXICO and a mariachi band turns up and there’s dancing and oh my!

Honestly I know it’s not the point of this scene but everytime I see Janet’s shoulder tattoo my imagination runs wild wondering what she got up to in the early 90s.

It doesn’t take long for Round Whatever of Venus v Gamble to kick off, there’s lots of snarling and insults and Gamble persistently asking what Lord James actually does for a living, and when Venus tells Gamble to grow up because “you’re older than me darling”, Gamble retorts that in “plastic surgery years” Venus is at least 20 years older than Gamble. Sheesh. Rich people’s arguments, huh?

Inventing new ways to calculate the passing of time sure can tucker a woman out.

Back to the question of what Lord James actually does! Venus announces “my husband gives great oral sex!” and look, I’ve gone and checked his LinkedIn page and sure enough Lord James Clark’s profile headline is Actual Proper Legitimate Lord (Not Purchased For $39) & Vagina Whisperer so this seems legit.

“MY HUSBAND GIVES GREAT ORAL SEX, THAT’S WHAT HE DOES!” cackles an insistent Venus.

Tonight we are all Gamble Breaux.

On the way home from the party, Gina decides to stop off at Lydia’s and check in on her and give her a run down on how Jackie’s birthday do went.

GINA: “You didn’t miss a lot.”

LYDIA: “I didn’t miss a lot?”

GINA: “Well, you sorta did.”

FOMO.

Gina tells Lydia that it’s time she put the Jackie\Janet issue aside and just leave it alone - “points been made”. Especially as Jackie’s inviting everyone to Mexico and should an invitation make its way to Lydia’s mailbox, Gina would really love it if Lydia came along. Lydia says she’ll think about it.

Following on from the party, Jackie’s discussing Lydia and the upcoming Mexico trip with her stylist, and decides that she couldn’t live with herself if she excluded one of the girls from the group holiday. She quotes Michelle Obama - “when they go low, you go high” - and her stylist excuses herself from the room to give Jackie a chance to call Lydia and talk.

It doesn’t really go well.

Jackie quite reasonably tells Lydia that she’d love for her to join them on the trip, but there’s a condition: Lydia has to promise not to raise the issue of Janet or Chyka having issues with Jackie again.
Fair enough, right?

“I can’t promise that”.

LYDIA JUST LEAVE IT ALONE M8.

The phone call ends with both women hanging up and shaking their respective heads at the other one’s unreasonable behaviour. “

What hard work!”, Lydia exclaims, although I can’t see a mirror anywhere in shot!

NEXT WEEK: The gals head to Mexico, someone forgets their passport, Janet gets a head injury, and Sally takes on Gina!

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