Things go bananas on Love Island... literally

By Deirdre Fidge

Cue Nelly and Kelly Rowland’s banger Dilemma because gosh darn, these couplings are turning on each other. Charlie’s gone, Kim has a new love, Tayla and Grant are finally comfortable flinging their limbs across each other… who would have thought throwing a bunch of horned up 20-somethings together would result in drama?

Also, I hate myself for recognising these people on sight now. Welcome to Week Two.

And collectively, all viewers apply a hefty dose of Glen 20 over their entire bodies. Source: Nine
OH GOD IT’S THE LITTLE ANGRY GHOST GIRL FROM THE GRUDGE. Source: Nine

All the girls have taken Cassidy’s side, with Tayla describing the situation as “The Great Wall of China” because I guess the Berlin Wall was too accurate. To be fair Cassidy also says she “hates segregation”, referring to either the rift in the villa or just general race relations.

Folks, this is what happiness looks like. Source: Nine
The three acceptable ways to deal with manly emotion: pick up heavy things, poison your liver, assault a stranger. Source: Nine

Later, Tarzan Elias receives an important text message, disappointing everyone who only tunes into this show in the hopes that Sophie Monk actually hosts some part of it.

Why does an SMS say #TopPick? That’s not how hashtags work. Source: Nine
Even the most astute editing team can’t make Justin’s monologues interesting or sensical. Source: Nine

DING DONG, NEWBIE ALARM! Welcome Francoise: and what a surprise that she is long-haired, slim and conventionally attractive!

When these two acted like 28 was super old did anyone else throw their phone at the TV? Anyway now everything I own is broken, like my soul. Source: Nine
Elias desperately trying to work out the age gap between 27 and 28. Source: Nine

Francoise then goes on a date with Johnny Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo, and they both agree that in a male-female pairing the man should be taller. Heterosexuality is a prison.

“I like manly men and would never date someone shorter than me because I’ve bought into horrifyingly outdated notions of gender roles!” Source: Nine

Frenchy-Poo sashays over to the villa where the group begin ceremoniously chanting “fresh meat! Fresh meat!” while leaking saliva all over each other’s torsos.

The Channel Nine live stream began glitching as these two started squawking enchanté at each other – truly a blessing. Source: Nine

The group welcome Nicoise Salad with open arms and even more open legs. She confesses she had already stalked Elias on Instagram, the modern-day version of standing outside someone’s house holding a boombox. (Does anyone understand this reference or are you all tiny children? Go away.)

Who wants to play F*** Marry Kill but it’s just Kill everyone? Source: Nine
“Wow, we both know of Melburnian suburbs… it’s fate!” Source: Nine
Apparently Francoise is the mother figure given how ancient she is. Honestly I can’t even look at her decrepit, weather-beaten face. Yuck. Source: Nine

Tragically, mind-numbing conversations among contestants wasn’t spicy enough for producers so they decide to force everyone to shove bananas in their mouths and walk around the pool. No, it’s not a game. Yes, I also want to leave this earth.

Why is this happening? Source: Nine
I have never been so distressed. Source: Nine
I wish a cartoon piano would fall onto my head right now. Source: Nine
I’d even settle for an anvil. Anything to crush me beyond consciousness. Source: Nine

After that insanity, everyone tucks themselves in for bed to hopefully feel immense shame and reflect on all their questionable life choices that led them to this point.

You should all be very ashamed of yourselves. Source: Nine

We viewers, too, settle in for the evening and allow a large blanket of indignity to cover us as securely as our winter doonas, for we have allowed this world to exist… but only until tomorrow of course, when we begin it all over again.

Goodnight, sleep tight, don’t let the existential dread bite!

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