The Bachelor recap episode 5: Baby on board!

What is an episode of The Bachelor without Osher strolling into the Bachie Babes Mansion with a date card? It’s no episode at all and that is how we are welcomed tonight.

And it’s a single date! They’re going into the city! And White Rose Alex has the single date and everyone is annoyed. Keira isn’t happy, that is not a surprise.

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And after some product placement from Dyson, and Alex mentioning she’s a mum, she’s ready to be whisked away by Richie. He wants to see if there is a deeper connection.

“Oh you look stunning,” *awkward laugh* - Richie’s standard opening line. And finally he has discovered what the premise of the show is about and that he is indeed dating multiple women. Way to go buddy, you’re all over it.

Richie seems to think all girls love is clothes, so he’s taken Alex to Bondi to go shopping at Camilla. He sits and continues to laughs awkwardly as Alex tucks her new Camilla gown into her undies. Classy, girl.

Then Richie says he wants to find someone he can be himself around and we can only assume that means he wants to find someone who doesn’t mind that he’s a bit of a drip and won’t punch him in the face when it comes to his awkward laugh.

“Rose nest” is the PG name Richie has given the Bachelor Sex Room as he chats to Alex about something that isn’t really important and has nothing to with establishing that “deep connection” he was looking to find.

As the other girls sit around playing cards, a group date comes in. Hooray! Yet another time we’ll see Keira unimpressed.

Kiki seems to think Richie knows her favourite movie is Dirty Dancing and that’s why the opening line is “Nobody puts baby in the corner” but Kiki is a bit delusional after a few weeks in the mansion.

Sasha, Kiki, Megan and Nikki are the lucky four that get to be wooed by Richie. On a scale of how unimpressed Keira is, it’s probably around a five.

Back to the date, Richie has now just taken Alex to Double Bay, which I guess is nice but I think what Alex needs to understand is Richie didn’t plan this date and he hasn’t gone “above and beyond” for her.

Proving that she can’t go two minutes without mentioning she’s a mum, Alex brings up the fact she’s a mum and how Richie is feeling about that. Which is great single date conversation material. In saying that, this is the first conversation we’re actually seeing this season, so Richie gets points for actually answering and not just laughing awkwardly.

Of course no one has anything like this for you Alex. Have your other boyfriends had the privilege of a production crew to plan your dates?

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Alex is DEFINITELY in love with Richie. And is pretty adamant Richie plans the dates so I think someone needs to talk to her about that.

Ergh, he just managed to make that kiss SO awkward, Anyway, they pash for a while. Alex says Richie is still very “mysterious” and he gives her a rose. So that date ended in every way we imagined it would.

Ah yes, the soothing sounds of a baby crying in the morning. This group date should be VERY fun.

Nikki seems to think it’s a real baby, Kiki has become the ultimate MILF in six inch heels and Megan and Sasha are not natural mothers.

“I would rather swim with crocodiles than go on that date. Kill me now. This is the worst day of my life” a very impressed Noni says as she's picked by Richie to join the group date with not one baby, but two! A twins whammy.

She’s also not that good a guardian because she takes a baby out of its car seat to hold it while Richie is driving. He is very distressed and I’m under the impression he seems to think the doll is real too.

Because newborns and mini-golf go together so well, they’re playing putt-putt. If these children were real, community services would be called for sure. Megan just throws her baby in the corner. She literally just put baby in the corner.

Osher appears during their picnic to tell them the babies have sensors and that everyone has been pretty rubbish at taking care of the baby except for Nikki and as a rewards gets a trip to Richie’s Bach Pad to go and make a real baby.

“So you wanna have babies yeah?” Smooth conversation starter Nikki.

Showing that he loves a good pash, Richie and Nikki play tonsil hockey and then weirdly rub noses and then gives her a rose. Because that is how Richie likes to end ALL his dates.

And speaking of pashing, Nikki tells the other girls at the cocktail party she and Richie kissed and Alex is devo. She’s gone from cloud nine to down in the dumps in a matter of minutes. Alex is quick to recover because she’s off to the “rose nest”/sex room while Nikki bawls her eyes out because she’s upset she’s hurt someone’s feelings. It’s not a party until someone cries.

At the rose ceremony there are lots of girls and not that many roses. Alex and Nikki already have roses so that leaves 10 who don’t have a rose and there are only nine roses so someone has to get booted. Osher is very good at subtraction.

Everyone gets a rose except Eliza. Which is a bit awkward because she gave Richie a blue velvet rose at the cocktail party. That is not Cool Bananas.

She tells the girls left “look after your hearts beauties” and she’s out.

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