Jo Thornely recaps The Bachelor 2017 premiere

It’s here. It’s back. The show that’s supposed to be about love but is actually about a popularity contest and getting p***ed with your boobs up around your chin is BACK.

As a bonus, we don’t have to call the star of the show, the human kelpie, Matty, ‘Matty J’ any more. He’s it. Just one namelike Cher, in a tuxedo like James Bond, in a mansion full of girls like Hugh Hefner.
Probably also like someone under 40.

Let’s just do a quick roll call first:

Sweeping aerial shot of the Womansion?

Osher in a suit with hair that could withstand a category 4 hurricane?

Recently waxed pert man-nipples?

RIGHT. LET’S MEET SOME SLIM WHITE GIRLS AND BOOZE.

Alex is a slim white girl who’s a professional body painter, because amateur body painters are laaaame. Seduction technique: painting part of her arm and telling Matty she sometimes gets an eye-twitch. Matty’s response: “nice vibe”.

Nanny Tara, a slim white girl who has an accent with a Queensland postcode thinks the Womansion is (whispered) “epiiiiiic”. Seduction technique: forgetting which ear she has a smiley-face tattoo behind and shouting “See ya maaate!”. Matty’s response: “she doesn’t seem like she has a filter”. I want her to commentate this entire show and my life.

Laura is not only a slim white girl, she’s also a jewellery designer with a mild pantsuit wedgie and Matty LOVES IT. Seduction technique: putting a ring on it. Matty’s response: *clears throat, hopes Little Matty isn’t visible through pants*

Next is a slim white girl called Cobie, a coal plant operator with a gimmick. Seduction technique: Sucking down a bunch of helium before speaking. Matty’s reaction: Sucking down a bunch of helium before speaking.

Jennifer has many slim white girl qualities, like telling Matty that being dipped is on her bucket list. Most people have eating fugu or bungee jumping, but you do you, Jennifer. Or maybe she’s lying just to get Matty to dip her? Sorry, I shouldn’t judge so early. Seduction technique: Lying to Matty. Matty’s reaction:

After six months of internet stalking, slim white girl Natalie is so ready to meet Matty she’s dry-retching in the fancy car.

Her friends describe her as ‘batshit crazy’ and it is my earnest and joyous pleasure to confirm that they are correct. She says she was in her first and only relationship with a woman last year until she saw footage of Matty with his shirt off, and if Natalie is ever off my television from this point forward I’m taking legal action. Seduction technique: using the word ‘moist’ and letting Matty’s nipples turn her straight. Matty’s reaction: Not proposing on the spot, because he doesn’t understand perfect humans or something?

SUDDENLY, IT’S THE POLICE CAR FROM THE PROMOS OH NO. But it’s not the fuzz come to bust the set dressers for an illegal number of fairy lights, it’s slim white police officer Michelle, misusing a state-funded vehicle. “I’m constable Paxton” she says and it’s true, it does look quite stable. “That’s a really great entrance” responds Matty, even though Michelle’s dress isn’t see-through. Seduction technique: Arresting Matty. Matty’s response: calls her hot and promises not to piss in public.

All you need to know about slim white girl Belinda is that she brought a kitchen timer with her and makes Matty touch her heart in complete silence for a minute. Babe, if you want him to touch your boob, ask him to touch your boob.

Seduction technique: Telling Matty she’s a love coach. Matty’s reaction: that face blokes do when you tell them you’re a love coach.

Like most Dutch people, Florence is slim and white, and she’s brought Matty a present. Well, two presents if you count the tightest red dress in all of the Netherl.. Hollan… Europe. Seduction technique: giftwrapped clogs. Matty’s response: accepting giftwrapped clogs.

Hey guys, meet slim white rhythmic gymnast Akoulina.

Akoulina tells us she doesn’t worry about the other girls because “I’m going to wrap him up in my love and in my ribbon and in my twirling and in my… just in myself, in general”. Seduction technique: being terrifying and not making sense. Matty’s reaction: Suitably, terror.

Relief comes in the form of slim white model Lisa, who Matty is probably already in love with provided she lets him win at tennis. Seduction technique: promises to let Matty win at tennis. Matty’s reaction: catches his breath and watches her five-feet-off-the-ground buttocks all the way to the door.

HOLD UP. At LAST we meet slim white girl Leah, announced in the promos as being ‘full of surprises’, none of which are what she had for breakfast.

She does a twirl and musses Matty’s hair, but leaves time for sexual innuendo, suggesting that she “likes it slow”. She fancies herself as a bit of a flirt, and her flirting face makes it look like she’s got a fruit roll-up stuck to the roof of her mouth. Seduction technique: everything, all at once. Matty’s reaction: The exact mid-point between ‘phwoar’ and ‘please stop touching my hair’.

RIGHT. This is a cocktail party, so let’s drink and b**ch. Let’s dritch.

Highlights in escalating order of excellence are:

• Osher introducing the idea of the ‘secret garden’, a rude-sounding place where Matty can speak privately to the lady of his choice, hitherto nicknamed ‘The Pash Patio’. Matty shows Lisa his secret garden, and the other girls wish her well and all sign a card saying how pleased they are.

• Instant hate for Leah the moment she enters the party and continues her twin hobbies of focus-pulling without underwear and twirling. “We get it. You’re here” says a complete champion.

• This face. I feel like we should probably get used to it.

* The arrival of Tahitian Elora, a slim, extremely light brown fire dancer that the other girls suspect is “another girl”. They embrace her in the same way any moderately tipsy girls welcome a competitor who can touch her head on her arse – with open contempt. Leah calls her tacky for arriving with no clothes on, which is like the pot calling the kettle sideboob.

* Jennifer wants you to know that she’s a grown woman who has her life together. Who can milk half an hour of drama out of someone calling her muddy dress ‘putrid’. “This is so beneath me right now” says Jennifer, as we welcome our new bitch queen.

• Natalie. Being Natalie.

* Matty gives Constable Michelle a pre-ceremony rose, primarily because she’s nothing at all like Manufactured-Drama Jennifer or Look-At-Me Leah. It’s bloody nice, is what it is.

RELATED: The Bachelor 2017: Fans are already going crazy for Matty J
RELATED: Bachelorettes get their claws out in first ep

Everybody’s tired. Everybody’s drunk. There’s nothing else to do but get high on hairspray and crush some dreams.

Osher enters the Rosatorium in a vegan liquorice tuxedo, introducing Matty and trying to ignore the fact that Jennifer’s Pick Me Face looks like she’s just smelt a fart.

There’s no surprises as Lisa and Laura are picked first, then five or six hundred other people, until only two complete and utter strangers are left behind.

WE’RE IN. WE’RE AWAY. We’re ready to join Jennifer on her narcissistic journey of melodrama and scowling.

Now everybody go put some clothes on.

Wantmore celebrity, entertainment and lifestyle news? Follow Be on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Instagram