'How getting cancer gave me the wake-up call I needed'

A few years ago, Gillian Coutts was eagerly climbing the corporate ladder. Self-described as “driven” and “ambitious”, Coutts was making her way to the top of a huge corporation, with no plans to stop.

“My career was going from strength to strength,” Coutts tells Be. “I didn’t slow down until I went on maternity leave and had my son. I had 10 months off. Then my husband was made redundant.

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“So I came back to work, but within five days was diagnosed with cancer in my left breast. I was absolutely stunned.”

Coutts describes hearing her diagnosis as feeling like she’d been hit by a truck.

“I was a bit all over the place from going back to work and I was a new mum – and then I was hit with the news. Luckily the organisation was wonderful and extended my maternity leave,” says Coutts, who went straight into treatment following her diagnosis.

The interesting thing for her, she says, was finding out that her A-type personality didn’t necessarily mean she could beat cancer or “win” at treatment – no matter how hard she tried.

“I had this self-perception that I was really resilient – I thought I’d be one of the two per cent of people that don’t have a reaction to chemo,” says Coutts. “But actually, I was one of the five per cent who react terribly. I was really struggling.

“By my fourth chemo session I was so ill the doctors decided to stop my treatment. I wasn’t going to make it.”

The realisation that she could die shifted Coutts’ view of the world. The self-confessed perfectionist suddenly had to give control to doctors and nurses who knew better.

“I felt like I had failed chemo,” explains Coutts. “All the drive I bought to my work wasn’t helping. It made me reconsider whether it was helpful in my personal life.

“I worked through my treatment part-time, than after I finished chemo, I had a mastectomy.

“I started thinking about what I wanted to do next and wrote down all these ideas on a whiteboard. Each week I became convinced I’d found the perfect job. Doctor, lawyer, magician, you name it, I considered it.

“I got a rude awakening when I went for a checkup and sitting across from me was a woman I’d been to chemo with. But whereas I was starting to recover, she had relapsed. And her outlook was bleak.

“It was in this manic, meaningful moment that I realised I had disappeared up my own ass. Why was I planning my next 9-5 job, when I had a second chance at life?

“I was thinking too far ahead. There was a chance I could die and I wasn’t doing anything about it.”

It was then that Coutts decided to stop thinking about her next career move and spend time every day doing something she enjoyed instead.

“I thought bugger it, I’ll work on the projects that I’ve never actually done anything about, like writing a book proposal,” said Coutts. “I only did 20 minutes a day, but the act of taking action meant other stuff started to happen – and other ideas started to emerge. It was like I unblocked the creative stuff I wanted to happen.

“I also spent time with my son playing with my son for half an hour each day – even if the laundry was in piles. I gradually came to the realisation that you can still get stuff done even if you don’t beat yourself with a whip.

“From there, I thought – what if I don’t take a full time permanent job for two years? And instead only work with people I like and things I enjoy? Trying things on short term contracts or as a consultant? I ended up ringing people and asking if I could come and hang out and see what they were doing. So I picked up lots of projects in industries I didn’t even think of.

“I still had to earn money for the family - but maybe I could not let it define me so much for a while. It sounds simple - but for someone who had only ever worked for big brands before, coming from parents that only ever worked for one employer, it was a radical leap.”

It wasn’t until a board position came up in a non-for-profit organisation that Coutts began thinking about going back to work.

Now the Australian Director of ‘The Potential Project’, Coutts has helped organisations such as Google, Nike and Microsoft use mindfulness to training to develop employee happiness.

“If you had have told me I’d be working in a role that involves mindfulness a few years ago, I would have laughed in your face,” says Coutts. “But here I am!”

One of the surprising outcomes of her mindfulness training was the way in which it improved her personal relationships.

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“My husband actually said to me, ‘You’re easier to live with,’ and I said, ‘so are you’.”

“But I guess the biggest learning from this that I took away was, if you’re feeling stuck, do something about it. Don’t let it stop you from living your life the way you want to. We’re all going to die – it’s what you do with the life you have now that matters.”

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