Yahoo Lifestyle 
Mel Greig: How bodily functions can ruin a relationship
When it comes to finding someone we can share our lives with, it turns out we don’t really mean sharing EVERYTHING, do we?
I was off sick for a couple of days this week with what could have been food poisoning or a bad bout of contagious gastro, either way it was a very draining couple of days.
When you have this situation, you are couch bound or bed bound… whichever is closest to the bathroom. So, in between the gasping for air and the walk from the bathroom to your place of comfort, which for me looked like I was an extra straight out of The Walking Dead stumbling across the room, you watch TV or go online.
After 15 episodes in a row of Designated Survivor on Netflix (OMG SAHHHHH GOOD) I decided in my oh-so-sexy state to waste time on Bumble.
I started chatting to a guy who asked how I’d found time to Bumble so much during the day and I explained that I was off sick with gastro. His instant response was “Gross I can’t deal with poo talk I hope you feel better soon.” The conversation then swiftly ended.
That moment took me right back to my honeymoon where I experienced one of the most mortifying experiences of my life and I’m now at a point in my life where I give zero feks about being embarrassed or turning anyone off that I will share the moment, and hopefully it will help others realise they aren’t alone in the face of poo adversity.
Five months before my wedding I went on a huge body overhaul. I wanted to be my dream weight and peak health on my wedding day.
Incredibly I achieved that by losing 14 kilos and regaining my health. I was on a strict and clean eating diet, and for the final three months this included no red meat because it’s not ideal if you have a weak Endometriosis Bowel like me.
We were two days into our honeymoon in Hawaii and decided to go to Teppanyaki with delicious meats cooked on the hotplate, choosing wagyu beef as one of the dishes. YUM. I’m finally going to eat red meat again after three months, and my god, it was good.
We were walking home along the beach and it was so romantic and such a beautiful balmy night. My husband and I had been together for over five years, so a sneaky pop off here and there wasn’t foreign to either of us…but what happened next definitely was.
I decided to sneak out a little fluff and it turns out it wasn’t a little fluff. My bowel reacted to the red meat and I looked at my husband under the moonlight and said those three little words: “I just sharted”. I have never seen someone run away from a situation as fast as he did after those words left my mouth.
I can still see him running down the beach, not to find help but to get away from his sharting wife. I then proceeded to pull myself across the grass like a dog with a dirty bum to try and clean up my mess, but I had to jump into the ocean fully clothed to wash away the evidence.
THE MOST MORTIFYING MOMENT OF MY LIFE. It was so embarrassing. But it happens and it’s something that is out of our control sometimes.
I hate to break it to you guys, but you might want to get used to poo before you have children. There’s a high chance your wife might crap as she’s giving birth and you won’t be able to run away then, not to mention the dirty nappies that will follow.
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